NFW

Lady with fidgety toddler: "I've been doing better on the new medication... Hey, can I borrow your iPhone?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, why? Do you need to make a call?"

Lady with fidgity toddler: "No, but Jessica broke mine yesterday, so I need to give her something to play with."

Whatever makes you happy

Dr. Grumpy: "How do you spell your first name?"

Mr. Caiman: "It's Albert, but I prefer to be called by my nickname."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's that?"

Mr. Caiman: "The Grey-Eyed Gator."

Mary's desk, January 2, 2013

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Valet: "Yeah, I have an appointment with Dr. Grumpy now, and I can't find a parking space."

Mary: "Okay... I'm looking out over the parking lot on the north side of the building, and there's quite a few open spots there. Try that side."

Mr. Valet: "I don't have time for that. I'm down by the east exit. Can you just come down and park it for me, while I see the doctor? Do you know how to drive a stick?"

Mary: "No, and that's not something I..."

Mr. Valet: "Then how about if you sit in it during my appointment, so it doesn't get towed?"

Nothing changes on New Year's Day

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Call: "Yeah, I was in ER this morning, and they told me I should call your office for an urgent appointment."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, we're closed today for the holiday. If you call back tomorrow you'll be able to talk to Mary, my secretary, and she'll get you in."

Mr. Call: "But they said it's urgent. Can I come in today?"

Dr. Grumpy: "We're closed."

Mr. Call: "So? Can't you meet me at your office? Or a Starbucks or something?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. If you have a serious emergency, you'll have to go back to ER."

Mr. Call: "It's not a serious emergency. I just want to be seen today."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir..."

Mr. Call: "I'm reporting you to the state board!" (hangs up)

Doktur must rite good

This ad was recently posted on a site for freelance writing jobs:

Spelling: it isn't brain surgery. I hope.

Thank you, Donna!

Friday whatever

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Lasix: "Yeah, my Dad is a diuretic."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean diabetic?"

Mr. Lasix: "Whatever."

Damn, you caught us

Dr. Grumpy: "It looks like the hematologist wants to do a bone marrow biopsy to find out..."

Mr. Gammopathy: "I'm not doing that bullshit."

Dr. Grumpy: "May I ask why?"

Mr. Gammopathy: "I know the games you people play. What you really do is inject my healthy marrow with lymphoma cells, thereby tying me into the medical-military-industrial complex that the government is running."

Post-Christmas rerun

In 2008, the following message was left on my office voicemail around 8:30 p.m. Christmas Eve:

"Hello, I'm calling from Local Pharmacy about a refill for Dr. Grumpy. It's on patient Amy Loid, for her medication. The idiots at her nursing home didn't realize she was all out until 5 minutes ago, and then were stupid enough to think they could just waltz down here and get more. But no, there were no refills.

"So if someone could please call me to refill this, this bunch of bozos at the care home want it tonight. And I'll be here, tonight, on Christmas Eve, at Local Pharmacy, all damn night. So you can reach me whenever you call. My name is Joy. Thank you."

Merry Christmas to all!

Weekend on call

Dr. Grumpy: "So you haven't been taking your seizure medication at all?"

Mr. Stoner: "I don't need to! See, my friend gives me marijuana, and if I smoke it several times a day than I don't have seizures. Hey, can you give me some while I'm here? He's not answering his phone."

Dr. Grumpy: "Local Hospital doesn't keep marijuana in the pharmacy and..."

Mr. Stoner: "Well, I'm not going to take any of your pills!"


Several hours later, at the nursing station...


Dr. Grumpy: "All right, here's some orders on the new admission. Hey, has Mr. Stoner had his EEG yet?"

Nurse: "He left AMA*. Didn't anyone tell you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. When did this happen?"

Nurse: "After you told him the hospital wasn't going to give him marijuana. He snuck out of his room and went down to ER, trying to find a patient there who could sell him some. When security came after him he ran out of the building and didn't come back."


*Against Medical Advice, for the non-medical readers. Basically walking out.

Skool Nerse Page

This is Mrs. Grumpy, announcing that I now have my own page on the site, compiled from my posts.

You can find it down in the right sidebar, or click here.

Guest post from Officer Cynical

While the insanity of our world takes over headlines, the legacy of one man has been largely ignored. Daniel Inouye died on Monday, December 17th.

Inouye served as congressman and senator from Hawaii since the date of its statehood in 1959 until his death. He was also a Medal of Honor winner during WWII. The following is the citation for that award:  

________________________________________

The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress, March 3, 1863, has awarded in the name of The Congress the Medal of Honor to

SECOND LIEUTENANT DANIEL K. INOUYE
UNITED STATES ARMY

for conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty:

Second Lieutenant Daniel K. Inouye distinguished himself by extraordinary heroism in action on 21 April 1945, in the vicinity of San Terenzo, Italy. While attacking a defended ridge guarding an important road junction, Second Lieutenant Inouye skillfully directed his platoon through a hail of automatic weapon and small arms fire, in a swift enveloping movement that resulted in the capture of an artillery and mortar post and brought his men to within 40 yards of the hostile force. Emplaced in bunkers and rock formations, the enemy halted the advance with crossfire from three machine guns. With complete disregard for his personal safety, Second Lieutenant Inouye crawled up the treacherous slope to within five yards of the nearest machine gun and hurled two grenades, destroying the emplacement. Before the enemy could retaliate, he stood up and neutralized a second machine gun nest. Although wounded by a sniper's bullet, he continued to engage other hostile positions at close range until an exploding grenade shattered his right arm. Despite the intense pain, he refused evacuation and continued to direct his platoon until enemy resistance was broken and his men were again deployed in defensive positions. In the attack, 25 enemy soldiers were killed and eight others captured. By his gallant, aggressive tactics and by his indomitable leadership, Second Lieutenant Inouye enabled his platoon to advance through formidable resistance, and was instrumental in the capture of the ridge. Second Lieutenant Inouye's extraordinary heroism and devotion to duty are in keeping with the highest traditions of military service and reflect great credit on him, his unit, and the United States Army. 

______________________________________________________

More remarkable (to me) is Inouye's own description of those events. The Atlantic published the following - Inouye's personal account of his Medal of Honor-winning actions in the town of San Terenzo, Italy, in 1945.

Inouye's unit was charging three German machine guns.

'"I remember being shot in my abdomen, first, on the right side. The bullet came out in the middle of my back, and it felt like someone had slugged me. There was no intense pain or anything like that. I fell backwards and then kept on going until my messenger right in the back of me ... said, 'By the way, you're bleeding.' So I stuck my hand in there and, sure enough, it was warm and moist. I took out my hand. It was all bloody but, since it wasn't bleeding profusely, I just kept on going."

Continuing forward with a bag of grenades, he cocked his hand and was ready to throw another when a German grenade hit him in the arm, leaving his right arm dangling by a thread.

'"I saw a fellow pointing it at me and I felt the blast and I recall going for my grenade, prying it out of my right hand and throwing it with my left. My arm was dangling by a couple shreds, so when I lifted it up, it was hanging like that. Just shredded. So I knew it was gone. First I was looking all over for the grenade, I thought it fell. And then I looked at my hand and I said, 'Oh, my Lord. It's there.' I had pulled the pin, and my hand was back ready to toss it, so I knew it was armed. The fingers somehow froze over the grenade, so I had to pry it out."

With his left hand, Inouye tossed the grenade at the German who had shot him, hitting him. Then he blacked out. Later, when he was cited for his bravery, he learned that he had grabbed a tommy gun in his left hand, charged toward one of the machine guns, knocked it out, and then got shot again. He was given so much morphine that doctors later amputated his arm without anesthetic, concerned that any more would drive his blood pressure too low."

 ________________________________

I try to remember that, while a few nutjobs are out killing kids and cops and firefighters, real heroes walk among us.

Today's featured gift #1

Today wraps up the 2012 Grumpy gift guide, with the following 2 items. I hope you've enjoyed it! If you see anything out there that catches your eye, please send it in and I'll consider it for next year.


 This gadget is advertised for training dogs.

Looking at it I can't help but think that if someone tied a rope around my, uh, boy parts down there, I'd be pretty "calm and orderly," too.

Today's featured gift #2

Now this one I kind of like. Because a leading problem of the modern workplace is the dreaded lunchroom thief. This drove Mrs. Grumpy nuts, as no matter how brightly she wrote her name on an item, it would still disappear before she had a chance to touch it.

But now, you can get this awesome lunchbox:

This great lunchbox is just perfect for any workplace, or the ax murderer on your list. Mary and I use hers to hide body parts after I've finally snapped at a patient on their 5th consecutive visit who hasn't yet started the medication I prescribed, but is still complaining that they aren't any better.