Merry Christmas to all!

Weekend on call

Dr. Grumpy: "So you haven't been taking your seizure medication at all?"

Mr. Stoner: "I don't need to! See, my friend gives me marijuana, and if I smoke it several times a day than I don't have seizures. Hey, can you give me some while I'm here? He's not answering his phone."

Dr. Grumpy: "Local Hospital doesn't keep marijuana in the pharmacy and..."

Mr. Stoner: "Well, I'm not going to take any of your pills!"


Several hours later, at the nursing station...


Dr. Grumpy: "All right, here's some orders on the new admission. Hey, has Mr. Stoner had his EEG yet?"

Nurse: "He left AMA*. Didn't anyone tell you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. When did this happen?"

Nurse: "After you told him the hospital wasn't going to give him marijuana. He snuck out of his room and went down to ER, trying to find a patient there who could sell him some. When security came after him he ran out of the building and didn't come back."


*Against Medical Advice, for the non-medical readers. Basically walking out.

Skool Nerse Page

This is Mrs. Grumpy, announcing that I now have my own page on the site, compiled from my posts.

You can find it down in the right sidebar, or click here.

Guest post from Officer Cynical

While the insanity of our world takes over headlines, the legacy of one man has been largely ignored. Daniel Inouye died on Monday, December 17th.

Inouye served as congressman and senator from Hawaii since the date of its statehood in 1959 until his death. He was also a Medal of Honor winner during WWII. The following is the citation for that award:  

________________________________________

The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress, March 3, 1863, has awarded in the name of The Congress the Medal of Honor to

SECOND LIEUTENANT DANIEL K. INOUYE
UNITED STATES ARMY

for conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty:

Second Lieutenant Daniel K. Inouye distinguished himself by extraordinary heroism in action on 21 April 1945, in the vicinity of San Terenzo, Italy. While attacking a defended ridge guarding an important road junction, Second Lieutenant Inouye skillfully directed his platoon through a hail of automatic weapon and small arms fire, in a swift enveloping movement that resulted in the capture of an artillery and mortar post and brought his men to within 40 yards of the hostile force. Emplaced in bunkers and rock formations, the enemy halted the advance with crossfire from three machine guns. With complete disregard for his personal safety, Second Lieutenant Inouye crawled up the treacherous slope to within five yards of the nearest machine gun and hurled two grenades, destroying the emplacement. Before the enemy could retaliate, he stood up and neutralized a second machine gun nest. Although wounded by a sniper's bullet, he continued to engage other hostile positions at close range until an exploding grenade shattered his right arm. Despite the intense pain, he refused evacuation and continued to direct his platoon until enemy resistance was broken and his men were again deployed in defensive positions. In the attack, 25 enemy soldiers were killed and eight others captured. By his gallant, aggressive tactics and by his indomitable leadership, Second Lieutenant Inouye enabled his platoon to advance through formidable resistance, and was instrumental in the capture of the ridge. Second Lieutenant Inouye's extraordinary heroism and devotion to duty are in keeping with the highest traditions of military service and reflect great credit on him, his unit, and the United States Army. 

______________________________________________________

More remarkable (to me) is Inouye's own description of those events. The Atlantic published the following - Inouye's personal account of his Medal of Honor-winning actions in the town of San Terenzo, Italy, in 1945.

Inouye's unit was charging three German machine guns.

'"I remember being shot in my abdomen, first, on the right side. The bullet came out in the middle of my back, and it felt like someone had slugged me. There was no intense pain or anything like that. I fell backwards and then kept on going until my messenger right in the back of me ... said, 'By the way, you're bleeding.' So I stuck my hand in there and, sure enough, it was warm and moist. I took out my hand. It was all bloody but, since it wasn't bleeding profusely, I just kept on going."

Continuing forward with a bag of grenades, he cocked his hand and was ready to throw another when a German grenade hit him in the arm, leaving his right arm dangling by a thread.

'"I saw a fellow pointing it at me and I felt the blast and I recall going for my grenade, prying it out of my right hand and throwing it with my left. My arm was dangling by a couple shreds, so when I lifted it up, it was hanging like that. Just shredded. So I knew it was gone. First I was looking all over for the grenade, I thought it fell. And then I looked at my hand and I said, 'Oh, my Lord. It's there.' I had pulled the pin, and my hand was back ready to toss it, so I knew it was armed. The fingers somehow froze over the grenade, so I had to pry it out."

With his left hand, Inouye tossed the grenade at the German who had shot him, hitting him. Then he blacked out. Later, when he was cited for his bravery, he learned that he had grabbed a tommy gun in his left hand, charged toward one of the machine guns, knocked it out, and then got shot again. He was given so much morphine that doctors later amputated his arm without anesthetic, concerned that any more would drive his blood pressure too low."

 ________________________________

I try to remember that, while a few nutjobs are out killing kids and cops and firefighters, real heroes walk among us.

Today's featured gift #1

Today wraps up the 2012 Grumpy gift guide, with the following 2 items. I hope you've enjoyed it! If you see anything out there that catches your eye, please send it in and I'll consider it for next year.


 This gadget is advertised for training dogs.

Looking at it I can't help but think that if someone tied a rope around my, uh, boy parts down there, I'd be pretty "calm and orderly," too.

Today's featured gift #2

Now this one I kind of like. Because a leading problem of the modern workplace is the dreaded lunchroom thief. This drove Mrs. Grumpy nuts, as no matter how brightly she wrote her name on an item, it would still disappear before she had a chance to touch it.

But now, you can get this awesome lunchbox:

This great lunchbox is just perfect for any workplace, or the ax murderer on your list. Mary and I use hers to hide body parts after I've finally snapped at a patient on their 5th consecutive visit who hasn't yet started the medication I prescribed, but is still complaining that they aren't any better.

Mary's desk, December 19, 2012

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Dilly: "Yeah, I have an appointment in an hour, and I'm going to have to cancel it. I'm in the Emergency Room."

Mary: "Are you okay?"

Mrs. Dilly: "Yeah, I was all blocked up down there. I think I ate too much cheese."

Mary: "I'm sorry. Just call us back whenever..."

Mrs. Dilly: "They just gave me my third enema. I've never seen so much shit in my life. Do you have anything open on Friday afternoon?"

Skool Nerse time

Attention parents:

Calling in to say your kids will be absent on Thursday and Friday, because it's the end of the world, is absolutely the lamest excuse for a long weekend I've ever heard.

If you really believe that, you're going to have a boatload of catch-up Christmas shopping to do this weekend.

Gee, why didn't I think of that?

Joe: "Local Hospital computer help, this is Joe."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I went to read an EEG, and the reading room is, um, gone. I mean, completely vanished, and they're building an orthopedic supply closet where it used to be."

Joe: "Is this a problem?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, yeah. A lot depends on my ability to read EEG's on the hospital patients. If I don't have the results, then I can't make treatment decisions."

Joe: "Look, we spent a lot of time setting things up so you guys can read EEG's from home, WHICH YOU ASKED FOR, so why can't you just drive home, read them, then come back and round?"

Today's featured gift

Do you enjoy mini-golf? Do you love bathroom humor? Have you ever wanted to show the office golf asshat where he can put his ball? Then this is ideal for you!

Yes, with this remarkably tasteless gadget, you can pretend to whack a golf ball into someone's ass and listen to them fart. You can repeat this action until the joke is old (1-2 times) and then give it to that co-worker you hate in the office gift exchange.

Proud parenting moments

At my parent's 50th anniversary party, which was held at an incredibly swanky restaurant:

Grandma Grumpy: "Marie, are you enjoying your dinner?"

Marie: "Yes. I like this place. It's fancy. It doesn't have gum under the tables."

From the "No shit, Sherlock" research department

The mere anticipation of an interaction with a woman can impair men's cognitive performance.

Archives of sexual behavior, (2012) 41:1051-1056 

Abstract

Recent research suggests that heterosexual men's (but not heterosexual women's) cognitive performance is impaired after an interaction with someone of the opposite sex (Karremans et al., 2009). These findings have been interpreted in terms of the cognitive costs of trying to make a good impression during the interaction. In everyday life, people frequently engage in pseudo-interactions with women (e.g., through the phone or the internet) or anticipate interacting with a woman later on. The goal of the present research was to investigate if men's cognitive performance decreased in these types of situations, in which men have little to no opportunity to impress her and, moreover, have little to no information about the mate value of their interaction partner. Two studies demonstrated that men's (but not women's) cognitive performance declined if they were led to believe that they interacted with a woman via a computer (Study 1) or even if they merely anticipated an interaction with a woman (Study 2). Together, these results suggest that an actual interaction is not a necessary prerequisite for the cognitive impairment effect to occur. Moreover, these effects occur even if men do not get information about the woman's attractiveness. This latter finding is discussed in terms of error management theory


Thank you, Vince!

Today's featured gift

Before moving on to the post, I'd like to say something:


HAPPY 50th ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD!

And now back to our regular program.

 
Is your favorite cook tired of drab colors? Do they want to spice things up? Well, you should give them Esslack: edible spray paint for food!

Think of the possibilities: gold chicken, blue steak, or fire-red asparagus! Make your holiday dinner look like something out of Willy Wonka (the 1971 version).

Foodies in the 'hood can give up using plain, inedible Krylon and do some serious food tagging to let everyone know that particular Big Mac is YOURS.

Your kids already believe you're trying to poison them. So why not have fun with it?

Today

I want to offer my thoughts, prayers, and condolences to all affected by the terrible events of today.