Grumpy Summer vacation, day 2

This morning I noticed that I only had one day of deodorant left, and so we stopped at Target. Thanks to the miracle of GPS, it's possible to find pretty much anything, anywhere, provided they haven't started doing extensive road construction since the last time your GPS unit was updated. Which, of course, they had. So we drove my cousin's borrowed truck in circles for an hour trying to buy one stupid deodorant stick.

Today we went over to a cousin's house. The original plan was for the kids to spend the day out in their yard, which has all kinds of stuff. Unfortunately, some local inhabitants had other plans.

Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an apiarist.

So we went to an aquarium instead, where we got to see the bravest man in California cleaning a tank:

Yes, folks, the fish really were in there, all cowering in the left corner. So much for using them as watch fish in my swimming pool.


And then, because the cousins outvoted us, we ended up going back to (drumroll, please) Lego Land! Did I mention that I can't wait till these passes expire next week?

Lego Land, like every amusement park on Earth, has a generic "Wild Mouse" type roller coaster. Here it's called "Technic." It's not bad, but while waiting in line you're subjected to this horrible synthetic-industrial-pop soundtrack that plays the same 30-second sequence over and over AND OVER again. Until you want to move like Shields & Yarnell (yes, I'm old). How the people who work on the ride put it up with it all day I don't know, but you'd think one of them would snap sooner or later and add "going Technic" to the American lexicon.

Lego Land sells these little plastic packets, each with some sort of collectible minifigure in it, and they change minifigure sets (16 in each! Collect them all!) every 3 months. And once they're gone, THEY'RE GONE. Never to be released again in any form.

This is what they look like.

Now, I personally don't give a shit. I mean, they're freakin' Legos! And each minifigure is $2.99 ($3.22 with tax- you learn that fast). But my kids saved up a crapload of money just to buy them here (Grumpyville has 3 Lego stores, but that's not good enough for them). Of course, each kid has a specific request: Craig wants Little Red Riding Hood, Marie wants King Neptune, and Frank wants Astronaut Soldier That Looks Kind Of Like The "Halo" Guy.

Of course, they don't actually SELL the damn things labeled, so you can see what they are. They're in giant bins in every Lego store (and there's one every 50 feet here), sealed in identical plastic wrappers. You have no clue which one is which. So your kids (and everyone elses) stand around fondling packages, trying to figure it out. "Dad, does this thing in the bottom corner feel like Neptune's trident/a picnic basket/a space rifle?" And, of course, I have no idea. It feels like a hard piece of molded plastic, okay?

You'd think they'd put a label on them, to help kids. But the store dude told me that's not allowed, because it brings down the value for collectors. Yes, collectors. People who will pay big money in a few years for a sealed plastic packet, that for all they know has a broken figure and a rat turd in it. Because what's the point of blowing 2 months worth of salary on a small plastic toy if you actually know what it is?

So, each Lego store usually has one employee with a good sense of touch who can feel around and tell you what they are, sometimes. Not always. You have a 1 in 16 chance of being right.

THEN there's the guy at The Big Store, which is the main sales place at the park entrance.

I don't remember his name. Something like Ricardo. He reminds me of Franck Eggelhoffer, the insane wedding planner (played by Martin Short) in "Father of the Bride (1991). Complete with the nonspecific accent and flamboyant mannerisms.

But damn, this guy is good. No matter what they pay him, it isn't enough. He sells his weight in minifigures every 10 minutes. He should have his own TV show.

Kids find him and ask for, say, the Easter Bunny figure, and he takes it from there.

"The Easter Bunny, yes? You want Ricardo to find an Easter Bunny for you?" And with great theatrics he walks over to the bin, runs his fingers over 200 packets in 10 seconds (he doesn't look at them- sometimes he closes his eyes for effect) and then whips one out, snaps his fingers, announces "Ricardo has found the Easter Bunny!" and tosses it to the kid. Then it's the next kid's turn. This guy has some sort of zen-Lego magic touch. Even the other employees are in awe of him.

The best part is when some kid questions him "Are you sure this is the Easter Bunny?" Ricardo claps his hands and indignantly exclaims "Ricardo is NEVER wrong!" and goes back to his next request. And, I must admit, on this and several past trips  (he draws a crowd, he's that good) I've never seen him screw up yet.

Then the real insanity begins.

Every Lego Land employee has one or more of these coveted minifigures on their name badge, and kids can trade if they see one they want. So my kids will bring some from home to do this. Marie loves to buy them in the store, pocket the accessories, and then trade the naked figure for a fully equipped one, pull off their aceessories, and repeat (warning: this doesn't always work, depending on the employee). I've actually seen roller coaster rides delayed because kids are trading figures with the guy who works the controls.

Where this makes you want to pull your hair out is when your kid just spent 30 minutes looking for a certain figure, finally gets Ricardo to find it for them, is overjoyed to have bought it, and one minute later trades the damn thing to a guy selling churros outside the store. This happens all the freakin' time, and makes me glad I brought my Rogaine.

At one point, in an exchange that had me in hysterics, I watched as Frank traded figures among 3 park employees and 4 other kids who were walking around Pirate Shores, and at the end of 10 minutes he discovered he had his original figure back, with absolutely no new accessories.

I don't understand it either.

But you know what has REALLY pissed me off on this trip? It's going to sound stupid (because it is).

They used to have this great attraction where families would race firetrucks against other families. Four families would compete in a vicious, no-holds-barred competition to pump giant Lego fire trucks across a track, aim 2 water cannons to put out a fake fire, and then pump the trucks back. You play for pride (not even a cheapshit $2.99 Lego figure, FFS) but for 10 seconds afterward the victors can bask in the glow of having won.

Hell on wheels. With kids.

Not anymore.

Now, for reasons which the staff will only explain as "an accident happened," YOU CAN'T RACE. You all try to pump the cars slowly across the track, getting to the fire at the same time (waiting for the other trucks to arrive) then put out the fires, get back in the trucks (waiting for the idiots who can't figure out how to work a toy water cannon to finish) and then go slowly back to the finish together.

WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF THAT?!!! If you're going to do some manual labor at Lego Land, it should be to prove you're better at it than other families!

Obviously, it's really pathetic that this pisses me off as much as it does, and likely takes the phrase "first world problem" to a new level.

I'm going to bed now. King Neptune, Astronaut Soldier Guy, and Little Red Riding Hood are looking like they want to start a threesome, and I'm keeping them from getting it on.

Grumpy Summer vacation, day 1

This year we decided to start the trip by flying to San Diego, to visit my family there.

The flight from Grumpyville to San Diego yesterday was going fine, until the flight attendant brought Craig a little packet of artisanal hypoallergenic goldfish crackers. She complimented him on his hair, and he quickly become even more insufferable about it (hell, I didn't think that was possible).

Today we (and some cousins) went to Lego Land. This will, mercifully, be our last trip there because my kids are getting pretty damn old for it (they insisted on going! Not us!) and our annual passes expire next week. So this gives me a good reason to be done with the place. I have nothing against LL, but it gets old after a while. There's a reason you don't hear Super Bowl winners yell "I'm going to Lego Land!"

I suspect most of their "Master Builders" (that's what they call them, I swear) are working at the new Florida park, as the California one could use some upkeep. One of the big construction dinosaurs ("Lazy Pete") you see near the entrance is pretty well covered with black gunk. You get a frighteningly good look at it on the Coastal Cruise ride.

This a boat ride that takes you around various (fairly impressive) Lego structures of world monuments such as the Eiffel Tower, Sydney Opera House, Taj Mahal, etc. But the ravages of nature affect the Lego models just as much as the real ones, but on a more dramatic scale. Today the Lego man cleaning the windows on the Opera House was partially trapped in a spider web, and there were gigantic (by comparison) pigeons perched on the Eiffel Tower. With, I assume, huge bird droppings threatening to crush cars and pedestrians below.

From a perspective view these would make great horror flicks.

The annoying thing about Coastal Cruise is the guide's patter, which never changes. "Make sure you have your seatbelts on!" (riders look for seatbelts) "Just joking, there aren't any!" or (in a part where a Lego figure looks like he's about to fall on the boat) "Don't worry folks, he's been hanging on there for 14 years, and he hasn't LEGO yet!" They also always add something like "He's made out of 1,324,863 Lego bricks and took 346.57 hours to put together."

This is minor league stuff of course. Let's face it: the ride by which ALL corny boat ride monologues are measured is the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland. As far as I can tell (as of my 2008 visit) the patter there hasn't changed since I was kid. I guess this is part of the attraction. ("You're lucky your guide is such a crackpot!"

The cultural impact of the Jungle Cruise (most famous line is about hippos wiggling their ears) is such that it was further immortalized by Weird Al Yankovich in his song "Skipper Dan."





So, I think the bottom line here is that when you're working on the Coastal Cruise, you're in the minor leagues, and hoping to be called up to the majors in Adventureland.



The models also need to be repaired. Take this Lego butterfly that's up on a pole:

It looks good. I mean, pretty impressive when you realize it's all made out of Lego's. But on the next pole over:

The butterfly on the right has lost a chunk of one wing (likely fallen, shattered, and pieces picked up by passing kids as free Legos). The one on the left has lost pretty much everything, and what remains looks like one of Gene Simmons' evil robots from the 1983 movie "Runaway."

Over in Miniland we witnessed a traffic accident:

I hope all the Lego people are okay, and that the school bus driver has good insurance.

Frank, for whatever reason, has named his winkie "Bob." As we passed the theater showing "Bob the Builder in 4D" They have an overhead recording that says "Come on in and join us! Because no one can get enough of Bob!" The 5 of us broke into hysterics, leading many to assume we were nuts. Which we probably are.

They've installed a new water ride since we were last here, which was originally used for interrogation at Guantanamo Bay. It's called "Pirate Reef" and consists of a boat-flume type ride, with a single drop. Craig, who LOVES soaker rides, conned me into trying it with him.

It looks deceptively harmless. You figure, "Okay, maybe I'll get a little wet." Sucker.

You first realize something is amiss when they make you put EVERYTHING attached to you into a plastic bin before boarding: watches, glasses, phones, toupees, cameras, jockstraps, facial moles. Then off you go, in a boat that holds maybe 15-20 people. After getting in you realize that the bottom of the boat has 3-5 inches of water in it, and your feet are soaked. This is your first warning.

You chug around the little loop peacefully, then start the slow climb to the top. You are trapped.

And then you have the drop.

As you hit the bottom there's a split second where the water splashes up, you get a little wet, and you think "that's not so bad."

Then you get walloped. Because of the landing basin's design the entire water displacement of the boat and people in it is projected directly UP OVER YOU. So while you're thinking "this isn't so bad" the mass of water is right above your head, and starting to come down.

On impact it takes you completely by surprise. The practical effect is that you're completely underwater for 1-2 seconds, and get SOAKED. There is nowhere to hide. The entire boat gets it equally.

And it isn't over. As you come out of the downpour you go between 2 large Lego pirate ships. With 10 water cannons on each side, shooting down at you. Manned by the last people who went through the ride, and now looking to take it out on the next group of riders. They can also shoot at each other, but prefer to hit you. After you pass this there's a few more H2O sprayers to get through before returning to the dock. Where they cheerfully return your goods to you, as you drip all over.

Of course, you're now soaked, and so decide to stop in the pirate ships yourself to spray the next group of suckers. Craig and I got on different pirate ships, and battled each other.

Then the next boat came down. And in our determination to soak its payload we suddenly realized that the tsunami wave it generates would soak us again, 20 feet up on the pirate ships. DRENCH!

As we walked away from this aquatic conflagration I realized that, in spite of both of us being completely soaked to the skin with our shoes filled with water, Craig's hair was miraculously dry, perfect, and radiant.

Grumpy Summer vacation, 2012

Since I'm spending the morning frantically looking for plane tickets, my sunglasses, and kids, a special guest blogger has kindly offered to make the traditional announcement for me:





Thank you, Ambassador!

Vote Grumpy, 2012!

As the 2012 Presidential campaign goes on, I think it's time that I introduce more of my platform.

Certain phrases will be retired, or have strict limitations on them:

The words "artisan" and "artisanal" can only be used to refer to products manufactured by a company with fewer than 20 employees, and cannot be used for anything naturally grown (like lettuce, FFS). If it's not handmade, it's not artisan.

The use of the phrase "reaching out" and its derivatives will be punishable by death. I am sick of hearing "I'm reaching out to you today" or "We're trying to reach out." Bullshit. Do you say "I reached out to Mom to wish her a happy birthday?" No! You freakin' called her. Or sent her a card. Or email. Or whatever. "Reaching out" is what you do when trying to get pancake mix off the top shelf.

"Reaching out's" evil twin "touch base" will also be banned. Not only is it stupid, it sounds like a code phrase Jerry Sandusky would use. It will be strictly limited only to baseball announcers where appropriate.

Saying "think outside the box" will be punishable by being interred in a large box. Without airholes.

"Empower" really needs to go. It's stupid. I mean, hell, I empower my kids to take out the garbage, and they still don't. It's condescending. Worst of all, it brings back memories of a horrific blind date I went on in the early 90's where this girl kept saying it. She empowered me to pick a restaurant. She empowered me to order for her. She empowered me to decide what show to go to, and where to have a drink after the show. And after all that she didn't even empower me to sleep with her.

Want to use the phrase "push the envelope"? Under President Grumpy you'll be sealed in a big paper envelope and pushed into the Grand Canyon.

Do you always "give 110%"? Good. Because pretty much all it says is that you're a moron who failed 3rd grade math. If you're caught saying it when I'm in office you'll be sent back to grade school. And have to sit in one of those tiny desks.

The Disney company will be forbidden to use the word "classic" in advertisements for pretty much anything. And they can't use artisanal, either.

There will be a minimum wait time of 25 years before Hollywood can even think about remaking a movie. Violators will be forced to watch the new "Total Recall" until they gouge their eyes out.

The phrase "goes" to refer to people speaking will be replaced by the rightful "says." Believe it or not, this one drives me crazier than any of the above. It started when I was in High School, and just keeps spreading. Like Ebola.

Politicians who espouse screaming and yelling at the opposition will be dropped into a desert with an equal number of equally stubborn people from the other side, under circumstances where their mutual survival depends on finding ways to work together and be polite. This will be aired as a TV show called "Modern Sandbox," with advertising revenue and T-shirt sales going toward the national debt.

Remember: Vote Grumpy in November! Unlike my competitors I actually have my birth certificate immediately available (sort of - I think it's in an old briefcase in the back of my Dad's closet) and I don't own an Olympic horse that I'm spending $77,000 per year on. I've also never driven with a dog strapped to the roof of my car. And I've never been to Kenya. Or Africa. Or the moon. After all, these are the REALLY important issues you should be paying attention to, not silly things like the economy or women's rights. And, like any good politician, I'm for sale. Someone (hell, anyone), please buy me. I take Paypal.

OH NO! That will never come out of my shirt!

Yes, worse than getting blood or grease stains on your clothes:

Thank you, Webhill!

Fashion

They turned off the air conditioning at my office last night for repairs, so when I got here early this morning it was quite warm. Since on Fridays no one else comes in until 9:00, I took off my shirt.

I went up front to get water from the cooler, and found myself at the front window, face-to-face with the lung doctor next door. He'd just gotten out of the elevator across from my door.

The bottom half of the front window is fogged. So for all he knows...

This can only improve my reputation.

Effort

Today I'd like to share this bracelet, which was sent in by Beth (thank you, Beth!). Her husband got it after being treated at an outpatient surgicenter:

Now, I don't know about you guys, but I don't find this particularly reassuring. Granted, the word "excellent" is pretty overused these days, but still. They might as well write "Our goal is anything above mediocre care" or "Our goal is to avoid being on Fail Blog." I mean, this is surgery for crap's sake. I don't think "very good," even when all capitalized, sounds especially comforting.

I could probably go on with a whole post about how many resources are wasted on these stupid bracelets, which my kids bring home from school for one cause or another almost every freakin' day. With various shit like "I believe in art class" or "Support your local pencil factory" or "Eat at Rigatoni's House of Overpriced Pasta." They end up all over the floor, and then get tossed in recycling. But I think I'll stop there.

Life at the cheap motel

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, we'll try this new medication, and I'll see you back in a month. Any other questions?"

Ms. Viridae: "Yeah, it looks like I have, um genital herpes. Can you call in some Valtrex for me?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, that's not something I treat. I recommend you go back to your family doctor to have it properly evaluated and get the right medication."

Ms. Viridae: "I'd rather not... I think he's the one who gave it to me."

Tuesday morning, 2:18 a.m.

"Hi, can someone call me back? I saw you in 2005, but changed to another doc because I didn't like you. Anyway, that doc just moved away, and I'm out of Vicoden. Can you please call some in for me until I can find another neurologist?"

Tonight's health tip

While I don't have any large-scale, double-blinded, placebo-controlled studies to back it up, I'm going to go out on a limb with this recommendation:

IT IS NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, A GOOD IDEA TO SHOVE LIT FIREWORKS IN YOUR ASS.

This has been a public service announcement from Grumpy Neurology, Inc.

Today's quiz

This picture:

A: Shows why you shouldn't pass out drunk when your friends have magic markers lying around.

B. "OMG grandma, I told you not to use the discount tattoo place!"

C. Is the latest innovation from Apple, the iBrain. The flash drive is planted right under your skin, and connects in your gums via Bluetooth.

D. Is from an ad for a new type of brain scan.


The correct answer is D. Really!

Weekend reruns

Dear Dr. Worthless,

Thank you for your note on my migraine patient.

I've tried several medications for Mrs. Hedhurtz, including Fukitol, Painbegone, Nomigraine, Acefalgia, Gonehert, and Nopayn, all without success.

I've done MRI's, MRA's, and a spinal tap on her. I sent her to an ophthalmologist.

I was frustrated. She was more frustrated. I wasn't having a lot of success helping her. And she seems like a nice lady.

So, since you advertise yourself as a neurologist who specializes in treating difficult headaches, and cite your 2 years of headache subspecialty fellowship training, I decided to refer her to you. You opened up shop near me last month, so I thought I'd give you a chance to earn my referral business. Your marketing person dropped off some cards here 2 weeks ago.

And yesterday I got your faxed note about her.

At the beginning of your note it says that "I've reviewed Dr. Grumpee's notes and tests in detail." That was your second lie (your first lie is in calling yourself a headache specialist, or even a doctor). I also loved the fact that you spelled my name wrong.

Your note ends with the following, which I've paraphrased.

"Impression: Mrs. Hedhurtz suffers from chronic headaches. She's previously failed trials of Fukitol, Painbegone, Nomigraine, Acefalgia, Gonehert, and Nopayn. I suggest she be referred to an ophthalmologist. A spinal tap should also be considered.

For future treatment, I suggest she be started on a medication that she hasn't previously tried before. I've referred her back to Dr. Grumpee's care to follow my recommendations.

Yours truly,

I. M. Worthless, M.D."


Thank you SO much for your helpful advice. I'd normally say "thanks for nothing", but what you've done doesn't even amount to that much.

As my late grandfather would have said, "this is the second time I've sent you a patient. First and last."

Sincerely,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

July 28, 1909

The Waratah wasn't a fancy ship compared to the giants that crossed the North Atlantic. She was built for mixed-use (both freight and passengers) but still had fashionable features to keep her travelers comfortable. She worked the long (6-8 week) voyage between England and Australia, serving stops in South Africa along the way.

And 103 years ago today she disappeared. Without a trace.

211 people vanished with her. She'd stopped in Durban, South Africa, where one passenger disembarked as he felt she was top-heavy and unsafe. She left port later that day, never to return.

Cruising along the South African coast on July 27, 1909 she was passed by (possibly) 3 other ships, though identification was difficult. The Waratah, like many other ships of the era, didn't carry the newly invented telegraph equipment.

The area is known for monstrous freak waves, which can overwhelm and badly damage ships. One steamer reported seeing a ship coming up quickly, possibly on fire (though it could also have been a brush fire on land, which were common). A police officer patrolling the Transkei coast thought he saw a large ship offshore being battered in huge waves, finally rolling over and sinking.

She was expected to reach Cape Town on July 29, but never made it.

The Royal Navy quickly launched a search with 3 cruisers, without success. One of them (HMS Hermes) was so badly damaged by huge waves that she required extensive drydock repairs upon return.

Further patrols were sent out, both private and government sponsored. All together they covered 14,000 square miles of water of South Africa. Without any evidence of the Waratah.

Not a single verifiable trace has ever been found. A few sightings of what may have been bodies floating off the coast afterwards, or a non-identifiable chair cushion bobbing on the waves. All seen from passing ships, but no one stopped to get a better look. For all we know they were seaweed or aquatic objects.

Leads have come in sporadically over the years. In 1925 the pilot of a plane reported seeing a large vessel on the bottom, but searches of the area have since been unsuccessful. Similar searches of the offshore area where the officer reported seeing a ship sink have also found nothing.

Twice it was thought her wreck had been found, but on investigation they turned out to be other lost ships. One was a freighter sunk during World War II.

What could have happened?

The answer remains a mystery. She was considered a safe, well-built ship, and had received top ratings from government inspectors and insurance companies.

A great deal of investigation time was spent on descriptions of her stability, but in the end a board of inquiry was unable to find any clear evidence of her being unseaworthy.

103 years later and we're no closer to finding her, or learning the fate of 211 voyagers, than we were in 1909. Like U.S.S. Cyclops, this is a mystery I'd love to see solved.

But I'm not optimistic.

Patient quote of the day

Mrs. Young: "I like to walk a lot, but not hike. I prefer streets. I like to streetwalk. Um, that didn't sound good, did it?"