AYFKM

Dr. Hospitalist: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, this is Grumpy, calling about Mrs. Protoplasm."

Dr. Hospitalist "The lady I consulted you on? What's up?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, from looking at her chart she was here last month for a stroke, and then a seizure, and at that time you handled it yourself and didn't consult neurology."

Dr. Hospitalist: "That's correct."

Dr. Grumpy: "So today I get a consult and find she's obtunded, terminally ill, and scheduled to go to hospice in an hour."

Dr. Hospitalist: "Yeah, family doesn't want anything done, and I think that's reasonable."

Dr. Grumpy: "So why are you consulting me NOW?"

Dr. Hospitalist: "In case there's anything else to do."

Driving home from school

Craig: "Frank, we need to talk about our secret surprise present for Mother's Day."

Frank: "Yeah?"

Craig: "You need to help more. You're not doing a fair share of the work."

Frank: "But we haven't started! You haven't even told me what we're doing for the present yet!"

Craig: "What does that have to do with it?"

Oh, I think you do

Mrs. Neun: "I'm very unhappy with you! You told my co-worker she had Multiple Sclerosis!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sorry... Did it change your job a lot?"

Mrs. Neun: "NO! But I want to have something wrong with me, too!"

Yogurt. And nuts.

In humans, testicles tend to be more figurative than literal. When you say "he has big balls" I suspect you didn't actually LOOK at the guy's testicles. Besides, in the modern use of the term, females can be said to have balls, and I'm pretty sure they anatomically don't.

Part of the issue is that human testicles are a bit hidden at baseline, and when you add a few layers of clothes you don't see them at all (unless you have filariasis).

But all of that could change. With yogurt.

In a recently published study bound to send gangsta-rappers to the nearest dairy aisle, they found that male mice fed only yogurt developed larger and heavier testicles (5%-15% increase ) over mice on other diets. They also developed a characteristic posture of projecting their jewels outwards, which in turn gave them a "swagger" when walking. And (of course) they had better hair.

At this point I suggest you pause. Because you've probably got an image of a swaggering, big-balled, nice-haired mouse eating Yoplait listening to a megavolume boombox stuck in your head, and you'll need a minute to get over it.

Moving on.

The application of this in humans is staggering, but quite frankly I don't WANT bigger balls. I mean, walking can be klutzy enough as it is without putting more things in the way. The last thing I want is to go through life like Angus Young.*

The nicer hair I'm interested in. Hell, at this point in my life I'm interested in ANY hair. But I think I'll stick with Minoxidil.

I can see wanting to swagger here and there, like when I save the day at the hospital and don't have my cape with me (oh hell, I'm a neurologist, who am I kidding?), but I'm generally happy sitting at my desk in a quiet office. And when you spend most of the day on your rear end, bigger balls just get in the way, and you have to waste time readjusting them.

The article ended by noting that similar studies of yogurt, testicles, and "semen quality" in humans have been "consistent" with the mouse data. I have no idea who's volunteering for this. "After finishing the yogurt, take this magazine and a cup into the restroom."

Since I already have 3 kids, and would rather be comfortable at my desk, I'm glad that Diet Coke now comes with vitamins and minerals (can we have one with Minoxidil, too?). I'll get my calcium there, and leave the yogurt to those who prefer it with nuts. Big ones.


Thank you, Moose!

*If you understood the reference before clicking the link, then you're old. Like me.

Weekend reruns, part 2

A few days after the issue described yesterday, I put this letter on Dr. Pissy's desk...


Craven, Cretin, & Klutz, P.C. Attorneys at Law

November 5, 2010

I. M. Pissy, M.D.
7291 N. Headache St.
Grumpyville, CX 34611

RE: Legal Action of Grumpy vs. Pissy

Dear Dr. Pissy,

Our firm has been retained by Dr. Grumpy in a legal action against you pursuant to the events of November 1, 2010.

On that date a canine possession of yours ("Fancy") pooped in Dr. Grumpy's exam room. This is in violation of federal regulations #1, #7, and #3,748,425-A, and caused Dr. Grumpy severe emotional denoberation, mental discombobulation, odoriferous substance exposure, fulminant social embarrassment, and a bunch of other polysyllabic words.

After careful consideration of legal options, including a $10 billion lawsuit for emotional damages, we've decided on the following out-of-court settlement:

"Blackdog", a 65 lbs. canine possession of Dr. Grumpy's of undetermined genetic nature (i.e. a "mutt"), shall be allowed into YOUR exam room to poop on the floor following lunch on November 10, 2010. Laxatives will be used to ensure the settlement is equitable.

If this settlement is acceptable to you, please have your attorney call their attorney who will then call our attorney who will then notify us, and we will make the necessary arrangements to transport Blackdog.

We hope this resolves the issue. Please contact us for any questions.

Yours truly,

Oksana "Oksi" Kontin
Legal Assistant to Mr. Klutz.

Weekend reruns, part 1

Due to a bunch of school-year-coming-to-a-close things this weekend, I'm doing reruns.


Dr. Pissy's wife has a little black mop of a dog named Fancy. Mrs. Pissy is never without her.

Yesterday one of Dr. Pissy's staff was out, so Mrs. Pissy came in to help. And, of course, she brought Fancy.

Fancy spent most of the time trapped in the break room, but during lunch was allowed to roam the office since there weren't any patients.

After she was cooped up again I brought my 1:00 back, and gave him directions. "Go on back, 2nd room on the right, have a seat and I'll be with you in a sec" (I wanted to get a Diet Coke).

So after I grabbed a can, I headed back to my office. The patient was standing in the hallway.

"Uh, doc, do you know there's a pile of dog shit in your office?"

Thursday afternoon

Mr. Answer: "My parents are doing great. They're both in their early 90's, and quite healthy."

Mrs. Answer: "Honey, your dad is 89, and your mother is 87."

Mr. Answer: "Yeah, early 90's."

Mrs. Answer: "No, that's late 80's."

Mr. Answer: "That would be 85."

Mrs. Answer: "You're not rounding this properly."

Mr. Answer: "Who's the retired math teacher here?"

Mrs. Answer: "I am."

Dr. Grumpy: (Sigh) "Are you allergic to any medications?"

Computers: letting you practice without a brain

I don't use templates. I hate them. I don't care how much time they save.

They make you look like a moron. Not a doctor.

What makes me say this?

Because yesterday I got a letter from a local family practice doc, who I know recently purchased a computer chart system. A note on an 87 year old lady with advanced dementia, who lives in an Alzheimer's nursing home, featured this line:

"The following preventative issues were discussed with the patient: seatbelt use, driving safety, breast self-exam, testicular self-exam, tobacco avoidance, illicit drug use, safe sex, exercise, nutrition, alcohol moderation, caffeine moderation, routine screening for colon/breast/prostate cancer, and weight control."

Either:

1. He's a moron, and really did all that.

2. He's just letting the computer fill in every default, so he can bill for time, and is still a moron.

3. He's not even bothering to see the patients anymore, and is a lazy moron.

Great names

"Look, officer, I'm not the guy you're looking for!"

Have you considered earplugs?

Patient quote of the day:

"I always keep a gun on my nightstand, to help me sleep. The neighbors have this stupid dog that starts barking around midnight. So I fire a few shots out the window, and that shuts him up until morning."

Today's lesson: Never leave the patient alone.

Mrs. Ungal: "Hey doc, look at this!" 

Holds up small flat object, sort of a whitish-greenish-brown.

Dr. Grumpy: "What is it?"

Mrs. Ungal: "My big toenail. I pulled it off while you were talking to Mary."

Predictive humor

I was giving post-call checkout to Dr. Brain last night. The list was REALLY LONG.

Dr. Grumpy: "And that's it. Sorry about the list, it was insanely busy."

Dr. Brain: "Okay. Not your fault, but holy crap this is a lot of patients" (chuckles) "oh well, maybe some will die overnight."


3 of them did!

Sunday Reruns

So following the time-honored tradition of my Bible (Chapter 20- Execute Forms at Dawn) I'm sitting here doing miscellaneous paperwork.

For those of you who have never had to deal with employer health forms, they are a freaking nightmare. A remarkable collection of stupid questions, redundancy, and more redundancy.

Today I'm completing job forms for one of my epilepsy patients, who works in sales. Questions from his employer include:

Is Mr. Shakes capable of working in sales during a seizure? (depends on what he's selling)

Would a seizure at work impair Mr. Shakes' job performance? (No! Who could resist an unconscious salesman who just wet himself?)

Will Mr. Shakes need to leave work to attend doctor appointments? (Of course not, I'll just swing by in the Grumpymobile)

If Mr. Shakes has a seizure, will it be necessary for him to leave work? (No, just leave him lying in the aisle)

Between seizures, is it safe for Mr. Shakes to operate a golf cart for clients? (NO! Wait till he's having a seizure, THEN let him operate it)

We have a great deal for you! CLEAR!

I found this in a pile of scratch paper this morning. Obviously, I missed out on whatever fantabulous deal it was.

In medical language "coding" generally doesn't refer to someone who's in a good state of health. So if the customer is coding, having to pay full price on a book is the least of his worries.

Yes, medical coders, I know what it's really referring to. But it still give me a laugh.