Great Moments in Crime

"Gee, how did you guys catch me so fast?"

Thank you, Ed!

Reasons I'm going to hell

Before leaving last night I looked at today's schedule. One of the new patient's listed was familiar, and I searched my charts. It was a lady I'd fired 7 years ago for various reasons. She'd been referred back to me by her new internist, Dr. McCheese, who likely hadn't been told of my history with her. Mary had missed the problem.

So I talked to Mary. She'd forgotten I'd fired the lady, and said she hadn't spoken to the patient. Dr. McCheese's office had scheduled the appointment.

Dr. McCheese doesn't normally refer to me, so I really didn't care about making him angry. I called his office and reached the lady who'd made the referral.

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm not going to accept this case. She can't come back here."

Office Lady: "Well that's just freakin' GREAT! I mean, we don't refer to you anyway, and you were our last hope. We already tried all 5 good neurologists in town, but none of them wanted to touch her either. So we thought we'd send her to you."

You have no idea how special I felt. There are about 80 neurologists in my town, not including the one who died on Monday, and I didn't know that only 5 of them were competent.

Dr. Grumpy: "Sorry. I'm not taking her."

Office Lady: "So now what am I supposed to do?"

I thought about telling her to go stuff herself, but an even better idea came to mind.

Dr. Grumpy: "Why don't you refer her to Dr. Justdiedmonday?"

Office Lady: "I hadn't thought of that. He isn't on our list either. Do you think he'd see her?"

Dr. Grumpy. "It can't hurt to ask. I heard he has some schedule openings this week."

Office Lady: "Thank you! I appreciate your help. I'll call his office right now."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have a good night."

Mary, bring me a gavel

Dr. Grumpy: "So when did this start?"

Mrs. Tia: "Well, we were at dinner, and I'd just started some chocolate pudding, when suddenly I had trouble talking and..."

Ms. Daughter: "Mom, you were having tapioca pudding."

Mrs. Tia: "No, it was chocolate. I hate tapioca pudding."

Ms. Daughter: "No, I'm the one who hates tapioca. It makes me sick that you order it."

Mrs. Tia: "I wouldn't have ordered it because I can't stand it. That's why I got chocolate."

Ms. Daughter: "Maybe you should consider a restaurant with better desserts."

Mrs. Tia: "Maybe you should think about why Robert left you."

Ms. Daughter: "I didn't bring you here to fight with you."

Mrs. Tia: "Could have fooled me."

Ms. Daughter: "I hate all kinds of pudding, anyway."

Priorities

Dr. Grumpy: "How did this start?"

Mr. Walton: "We were in line at Walmart, returning a toaster. It was a real POS, know what I mean, Doc? It burned everything. Anyway, Ma began telling me that her left arm and leg were weak, and so I helped hold her up. After we returned the toaster I carried her out to the truck, and drove her to the hospital."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, what time would you say this all started?"

Mr. Walton: "We were in line about another 20 minutes after she first said something."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why didn't you bring her in or call 911 right away?"

Mr. Walton: "We'd already been waiting for 20 minutes and I didn't want to go back."

Weekend reruns

From December, 2008:


Okay, so at this time of year we get tons of cookies, candies, fattening stuff in general, dumped at the office.

A few weeks ago a local physical therapy place that specializes in hands dropped off a bunch of hand-shaped frosted sugar cookies.

Our staff was pigging out. I kept asking them to set one aside for me and put it next to my coffee in the break room, but they ignored me, as the cookies gradually decreased in number.

Finally I said "Somebody put a cookie near my coffee, or I'll have you all shot!" Then I went in to see my next patient.

When I wandered back to the break room 20 minutes later, they had saved me this cookie.

Driving safety quiz

Which of the following is a bad idea:

A. Driving while texting.

B. Driving with a kid in an unsecured child seat

C. Driving while talking on your phone.

D. Driving without wearing a seatbelt.

E. Driving on a suspended license.

F. Driving with an infant on your lap.

G. Driving with an older kid who isn't wearing a seatbelt.

H. Doing all of the above at the same freakin' time!


Thank you, David!

Artisanal: now with artisanally dangerous additives

 

Thank you, Sheila!

Oh yeah, that one

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Vague: "My sister has that one disease, it makes you sick. You know which one I mean?"

Bad idea #1

There are worse things than driving drunk. Butt not many.

Thank you, Webhill!

Bad idea #2

I hope they didn't get to the "Hot Wax Undercarriage" treatment.

Thank you, Bob!

Great ad placement

Thank you, Rachel!

Mary's desk, April 4, 2012

New patient signs in up front.

Mary: "Hi, I need to get a copy of your insurance card."

Mrs. Paranoid: "I don't carry my card with me. Someone might steal it."

Mary: "Okay, but we need your information to bill your insurance."

Mrs. Paranoid: "I have Medicare."

Mary: "Okay, then can I get your Social Security number so we can bill them?"

Mrs. Paranoid: "I can't give you that. How do I know you won't still my identity, or sell it to someone who will?"

Mary: "We need some way of billing your insurance for the visit. Otherwise you'll have to pay cash today."

Mrs. Paranoid: "This is ridiculous that you treat people this way."

Leaves.

Wait...

Mr. Sugar: "I have diabetes, but it's controlled with diet. I don't take anything for it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. Are you on medication for anything?"

Mr. Sugar: "I take Metformin, Actos, and Insulin."

Time for another advertising quiz

This picture:




A. Some flick about a romance between a doctor and football player.

B. Boy, Dell is really going avant-garde in their new commercials.

C. She makes porn movies of herself & drunk quarterbacks on her laptop, and sells them online.

D. Um... L'Oréal ad? She really needs something for better hair control. Or is she a medusa?

E. Is a computer-guided system to help the center guy at the bottom scrape dog shit off his shoe.

F. Why is her white coat billowing up like that? Is it starched? Is she gassy? Hey, does she even have pants on?

G. An ad for an ultrasound needle-guidance system.