Tuesday Morning

Dr. Grumpy: "So, I'm going to get these tests, and then we'll meet back here to discuss them. Any questions?"

Mr. Isoptera: "Yeah, do you like being a neurologist?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. I mean, no job is perfect, but I like what I do."

Mr. Isoptera: "Well, I'm selling franchises of my exterminator business, Termite Begone, and... Here, let me give you a pamphlet and my card..."

Today's featured gift

We've all had one of those embarrassing moments when we desperately need a spare pair of underwear. How often does thinking about this problem keep you awake at night?

Well, worry no more! Now there's the emergency Box-o-Undies!





Yes, this convenient package holds 5 pairs of clean, single-use underpants. Allowing you to go back to your favorite Mexican restaurant with confidence.


I should note that tonight is the first night of Hanukkah, and so I again present the traditional Hanukkah carol.

Yep, you need an appointment

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Galantamine: "Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, have you seen him before?"

Mr. Galantamine: "I don't know, have I?"

Today's featured gift

Men like breasts and women like wine. So what could be a better compromise than this?





According to it's web site the Wine Rack will increase an A cup to a DD, and holds 750ml of your favorite Cabernet (or whatever you prefer), with a discreet sipping tube. And you can inflate it with air after depleting the wine, to keep things looking "as advertised."

NOT a featured gift

This item was, I swear, featured in a catalog we got last week.





Let's face it: if your TV looks like that, I think I'd replace it before I'd get a swivel stand.

For that matter, it might be time to replace the VCR, too.

Hot Cross Bleaghhh!

Last night was that annual rite of parental torture, the Wingnut Elementary School band holiday concert.

My kids like playing in the school band, so, as supportive parents, we pay the instrument rental fees, put up with their unearthly screeching practice sessions in the living room, and attend the 2 annual concerts.

Elementary school band concerts are never a blast. They're held in the school cafeteria, meaning you have to sit at long lunch tables designed to be partially comfortable only for people half your size.

The kids really do try (at least most of them) but are still often out of sync and flat. And then there's the music selection. After the first 2 numbers all the songs start to sound A LOT alike. And they all sound like "Hot Cross Buns," which you've already heard played in your home so many times that you want to barf.

These things last about an hour, but seem like much longer. You sit there, politely clapping after each number, and hope your kids don't notice that you've dozed off or started playing Angry Birds.

As veterans, Mrs. Grumpy and I came well prepared. We sat in a far row where our kids couldn't see if we were playing scrabble doing medical research on our iPhones, and brought some Diet Cokes. You can always tell which parents are first timers, because they sit in the first row and bring cameras.

But this year, we had an unexpected reprieve.

At 18 minutes into the performance, during "Good King Wenceslas" a kid playing oboe abruptly projectile vomited into the first row, showering a group of eager parents with a partially digested Happy Meal. The other band members stopped, then valiantly tried to restart for a few seconds, but were so horribly out of sync as they tried to both read music and watch the new entertainment that it was a lost cause. Barf Guy's mom heroically leaped onto the stage and tried to use her husband's sweater (fortunately with him out of it) to clean it up. Then the kid heaved some more.

After about 30 seconds the band teacher politely said "Thank you all for coming, and Happy Holidays. Is the janitor still here?"

I feel sorry for this kid. Because from now on until he moves away to college he'll be known not as Mike or Steve or Mason, but simply as "the kid who puked during the holiday concert."

Today's featured gift

What's really enjoyable when you're sound asleep? Is "having a big hairy paw suddenly grab my face" at the top of your list? I didn't think so.

But a Japanese company is hoping that's high on somebody's list. They've developed a teddy bear sleep apnea robot.

It puts a cuddly-looking oxygen sensor on your finger, and if it hears you snoring, or detects your oxygen level dropping, it reaches up with a mechanical paw and wacks your face to make you turn your head.

Here's an informative video:





Personally, I have to say that if I was asleep and this thing grabbed my face, I'd likely shit the bed. So unless the robot is going to clean that up, too, I don't want one.

Great drug rep moments

"Do you need any more booklets? I just got a bunch of shit, uh, shipments of patient education materials."

Why do I bother?

Dr. Add: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Ibee Grumpy, returning your call. You left a message about Mrs. Wilder?"

Dr. Add: "Oh, yeah, she's been having a lot of side effects, and I think we ought to stop her Trigenum."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I stopped it earlier this week. I faxed a letter over to you."

Dr. Add: "Oh, I never read those things."

"He's flatlining! I mean flatbreading!"

While not available as a gift, I have to admit this design concept "defibrillator toaster" by Shay Carmon would be totally awesome to have.






CLEAR!!!

Thank you, Tab!

Dear Mr. Livingston,

I understand that you were on the way to work when you came to your appointment today. Many of my patients are.

And I understand that you are a clown. Literally.

But, I don't appreciate having to listen to your horribly corny jokes. Or you honking a bicycle horn after each one. Or showing me your cheesy squirting flower.

And it's hard for me to assess your balance when you wear giant floppy shoes.

But thank you for the smiley face "I met a clown today" sticker that you put on my shirt.

Today's featured gift

We all have that co-worker/classmate/boss/whatever who's under the impression that their own solid waste doesn't stink. Now there's the perfect gift for that person.





Yes, a few drops of this stuff in the toilet bowl allegedly nullifies any odiforous vapors, and allows them to continue in their belief that their ass smells like roses and cotton candy.

It should be noted that the product only works if you actually shit in the toilet bowl, NOT on top of the tank as the picture suggests.

Patient quote of the day

"I've had blood pressure here and there, but most times I don't."

Training

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay... the MRI report says the study was normal, and this is a good doctor who read it."

Mrs. Kroger: "Yes, but it was horribly misread. I've been comparing my films to some I found on the internet, and here's a list of all the diseases I have that the radiologist missed."

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you a doctor?"

Mrs. Kroger: "No, I'm a cashier at Local Grocery."