No kidding

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you allergic to any medications?"

Mrs. Morton: "Yes, ether makes me lose consciousness."

Sigh

Look, sir. I think it's great that you want Mom to be able to reach you.

You're obviously a devoted son, and I respect that. In spite of Mom having advanced Alzheimer's disease, you're doing your best to take care of her.

Wanting her to be able to call you at any given time is a noble idea.

BUT

Let's face it. Mom can't work a toaster. So buying her an iPhone was not a great idea.

Great patient moments

"Doctor, I saw something on television last night. They have a machine, called an MRI, that can take pictures of your brain. Have you ever heard of this?"

Schedule

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I'm Dr. Grumpy. What can I do for you, sir?"

Mr. Gregorian: "My previous neurologist retired, so I want to get established with one for this year."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. What's up?"

Mr. Gregorian: "I was looking at my calender, and realized that I have heart attacks in even-numbered years and strokes in odd-numbered years. Since it's getting late in 2011 I need to get ready."

Survey

Over lunch I was doing a medical market research survey, and got this question:

"What incidence of injection site reactions would you find acceptable in an oral medication?"

Uh, I guess that would be zero.

Mary's desk, last Friday

(door flies open, really huge wild-eyed guy runs in)

Mary: "Can I help you?"

Really huge wild-eyed guy: "OH MY GOD! IT'S EVERYWHERE! DO YOU HAVE ANY PAPER TOWELS?"

Mary: "Um, sure, back in our kitchen, let me go..."

Really huge wild-eyed guy: "I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG! NEVER MIND!"

(runs out door)

Crime in America

I guess this trio has redefined "making a clean getaway."

Thank you, William!

Why you need an iPhone

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you ever smoked?"

Mr. Precise: (whips out iPhone, taps a few times): "One cigarette, on September 21, 1958, at around 2:00 in the afternoon. It was when I was at Ohio State."

"I can't stand a wet car, your Honor."

In a world of lame excuses, some people are better at it than others.

Thank you, Alison!

September 23, 1779

Her name was Duc de Duras, and she was a nondescript wooden cargo ship. The French East India Company built her in 1765 for far East trading, and if that had been the extent of her life she'd be long forgotten by now.

For a little over 10 years, she led an uneventful life as a merchant ship, sailing back and forth between France and the Orient. But she was destined for a place in history.

In the late 1770's war was raging between England and her American colonies. King Louis XVI of France was more than happy to join the colonists against his old enemy in Britain. He bought the Duc de Duras, converted her to a warship, and turned her over to the fledgling American navy.

She was renamed, and began her new life as the Bonhomme Richard, under the command of John Paul Jones.

Her story is known to most American schoolchildren. 232 years ago today an American and British squadron met in a remarkably vicious battle off Flamborough Head, England. Although other ships were involved, the main action was between the Bonhomme Richard and the Serapis. Initially the Serapis was winning, and at one point the British asked if Jones had surrendered. His immortal reply was "I have not yet begun to fight!"

On a bloody evening which saw almost half the crews of both ships killed, the Serapis eventually surrendered after a pitched battle and boarding action. The Bonhomme Richard, however, was so badly damaged that she was abandoned, and Jones had to make Serapis* his flagship. The Bonhomme Richard drifted away, sinking sometime the next day.

The Bonhomme Richard, to this day, remains one of the few holy grails of lost ships. As underwater technology has improved more famous ones are found. Titanic. Bismarck. Scharnhorst. Yorktown. Yamato. Ark Royal. Portland. All within the last 25 years.

But the Bonhomme Richard, like the Santa Maria, stubbornly remains hidden. Several well-funded, high-tech expeditions have searched the area where it's thought she sank. They use computers to predict 1779 drift patterns. Side scan sonar to image the seabed. They send down cameras and divers to investigate targets- and still have nothing.

But the answer may have already been found, by an English salvage diver named John Adams.

In Filey Bay, England, there's a mysterious wooden shipwreck. Adams discovered it in 1975 while recovering a fishing net, and year in & out since then has worked to identify it. But poor visibility, a limited diving season, and money have kept the ship a mystery. How it got there also remains unknown, as there's no record of a large wooden ship sinking in the bay.

And yet:

The wreck is a large wooden ship, built in the mid-18th century. Radiocarbon dating of a length of rope gave a likelihood of it being within 10 years of 1767.

The rough design of the wreck matches that used by France for trading ships sailing to the far East.

Worm damage to the hull shows that it spent time in oriental waters- Like the Duc de Duras.

The wreck, although broken into several pieces, is roughly the same total length as the Bonhomme Richard.

The wreck has extensive fire damage. As did the Bonhomme Richard from the battle.

There is no record of a large wooden ship - other than the Bonhomme Richard - sinking in that area.


All the computer models say the Bonhomme Richard drifted out to the North Sea and sank several miles off the coast. And maybe she did, and has yet to be found.

Or maybe the computers are wrong. And the ghost ship in Filey Bay is one of the most famous in history.


*The Americans turned the Serapis over to the French, who used her as a privateer. She was destroyed by an accidental fire in 1781 off Madagascar. Her remains were found by divers in 1999.

Today's mail

There is absolutely NOTHING that can make you feel more inadequate as a parent than an issue of "Working Mom" magazine. It came today, and always has stories like this:

"In this issue we feature Suzy Oveur-Cheever. Suzy spends time at home raising her 2 lovely daughters, is active on her school board, and helps deliver meals to poor families. In addition she's developed a new technique for DNA recombination that led to a breakthrough for cancer and is helping to excavate a 2000 year old shipwreck in the Red Sea. Last week she was confirmed to the U.S. Supreme Court, and will be taking her daughters to Oslo next year to pick up her Nobel Prize after solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. In this issue she'll be sharing her recipe for brownies and showing us her homemade Halloween decorations."

Excuses

Mr. Party: "I need a note saying I take Fukitol, and it effects my balance and coordination."

Dr. Grumpy: "But you're not taking Fukitol."

Mr. Party: "I know, but this way I can use it as an excuse if I get pulled over this Saturday."

Life at my desk

Dr. Grumpy: "At your last visit you tried Feelbetter. Has it helped?"

Mrs. Shootme: "No. The first pill made me horribly sick. I had every side effect I read about, so I threw it away."

Dr. Grumpy: "But, according to our records, you had me call a refill into the pharmacy?"

Mrs. Shootme: "I was afraid you'd get angry if you thought I'd stopped it."

Annual Peeve

For the 3rd year in a row I'm going to run this column, as I went to the store last night, and saw it had started already. I'll keep running it until this practice stops. Which likely means the post will be here every damn year until I retire/die/get institutionalized.


Dear Mr. President,

We now face a national crisis of such serious proportions that it dwarfs other issues, such as global warming, health care, and middle-east peace. It now threatens the very fabric of our society, and directly affects every citizen. And I can remain silent no longer.

It's still September, and every store near me ALREADY HAS THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP!

I have nothing against the holidays, Mr. President. Peace on Earth and all that stuff. But moving them up as if they were being held in another time-zone or alternate universe is getting out-of-hand. As far as I know, Christmas hasn't budged in my lifetime. And treating every day like it was Christmas (like the stores seem to want me to do) is not helping.

The well-respected Nick documentary program, The Fairly Oddparents, has carefully researched what would happen if Christmas were held every day (Episode 107, air date 12-12-01 I have kids, OKAY!). Their conclusion? It would be catastrophic.

There also seems to be a degree of unintentional discrimination. For example, Hanukkah starts almost a week before Christmas this year, but I don't see Hanukkah decorations going up 1 week before the Christmas ones. In fact, I haven't seen any at all yet. Or Kwanzaa stuff. Or Festivus. Or New Year's.

This seasonal perversion extends to other holidays, too. I mean, by January 2nd most stores are decked out with Easter junk, and on July 5th the Halloween crap is up.

So, Mr. President, I propose the following, federally mandated solutions (please note: I'm only including those holidays that retailers love. Let's face it, not many of us are out there buying gifts for Groundhog day or cards for Columbus day. I'm also leaving out local holidays like Delaware Statehood Day, the Montana Huckleberry Harvest Celebration, and the Byron, Illinois, Turkey Testicle Festival).

Valentine's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of January.

St. Patrick's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until after March 1st.

Passover/Easter decorations will NOT be put up until after St. Patrick's day.

Independance day decorations (July 4th) will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of June.

Halloween stuff will NOT be put up before October 1st

Thanksgiving Stuff will NOT be put up before November 1st.

Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus stuff will NOT be put up until the day after Thanksgiving.

(Please note: there should be some flexibility here, as Hanukkah and Easter/Passover may vary, but decorations should NOT be hung more then 3 weeks prior to holiday onset).


An alternative plan would be to have a single annual holiday combining all of the above, called St. Christmukahpasseastkwanpatfourthnewfestgivingween. Decorations for the combined holidays may be hung for 30 days prior to this event, and MUST be removed the day after.


Punishment for business owners who violate these laws would be on a 3-step basis:

1st offense: Business license revoked for one month.

2nd offense: Tarred, feathered, and forced to eat fruitcake.

3rd offense: Drawn and quartered, then served with fava beans and a nice chianti.


Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.