Sunday reruns

People use different phrases to mean the same thing. Case in point: migraines.

Some patients say "I have migraines". Others say "I get migraines". Occasionally one will use the odd phrase (at least to me) "I take migraines" to mean the same thing (I always want to ask who they're taking them from).

But today I had a lady who used a more, uh interesting, phrase.

When she gets a migraine she has to go lie down in a dark room (which is common). So, for whatever reason, she uses this act to refer to the migraine.

In other words: when she gets a migraine, she calls it "going down".

It is remarkably hard to keep a straight face when the young lady across from me says things like:

"I went down 3 times last week."

"July was awful. I spent the entire month going down".

"I went down on Saturday. I had to do it in front of my kids, too."

And, as she was leaving, she said, "I feel another one coming on. I just know I'll be going down tonight, but have to wait until my husband gets home."

Memories...

In 1997 I was in Boston for a neurology meeting.

One morning I was walking from my hotel to the meeting, and stopped at a Starbucks on the way. After getting my order I sat down by the window to glance through a newspaper.

Suddenly an ambulance, sirens and lights on, came flying down the street outside at warp speed.

It screeeeeched to a stop in the middle of the street. 2 guys got out of the front, walked into the Starbucks, and waited patiently in line. They left the ambulance running in the middle of the street (blocking traffic) with the sirens and lights on.

When they got up to the counter, one used his radio and called the guy in the back with the patient to see what he wanted them to get him.

They got their order, walked back out, squealed the tires, and drove away at warp speed.

I was the only one there who seemed at all surprised.

Mary, bring me a strong drink

Mr. Pill: "I didn't take it. The lady at the drugstore told me it had all kinds of side effects, and that I shouldn't even try it."

Dr. Grumpy: "The pharmacist said that?"

Mr. Pill: "No. It was a lady behind me in the check-out line. She was buying cigarettes."

Wild times

In the past I published an article about a guy who was dating a carwash vacuum cleaner.

And who can forget the touching romance between a man and his patio table?

This week we had a guy elope with a plastic pool raft.

Part of the problem may be that people just seem to keep losing their undies.

This sad problem of keeping your pants on is even affecting the mayor.

Don't we all

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Son: "Yeah, both my parents lived until they died."

Definitely not my field

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have a copy of your most recent labs?"

Mrs. Whiskers: "Yes, here they are" (pulls papers out of purse, hands them to me).

Her lab values were all abnormal, but the normal ranges listed weren't what I'm used to, either. None of them made sense. I was trying to figure this out when I noticed the patient information in the upper corner:

Name: Sparkles
Age: 5 Y, 3 M
Species: Feline

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I think these are your cat's labs."

Mrs. Whiskers: "Oh, hang on. I have mine here, somewhere..." (starts digging in purse).

Today's tip

If 2 shady-looking characters offer to sell you an iPad at a great price, in a McD's parking lot, it may not be a good deal.

Thank you, Don!

Attention patients!

I'm sorry that you landed in the hospital, or that your nurse there isn't as responsive to your call light as you feel she should be. I'm sure she has several other patients, and is doing her best.

BUT

Mary and Annie are NOT your nurses. Just because your nurse is busy doesn't mean you should call my office to see if they can drive over to bring you pain medicine, have someone come fix your TV's volume, or get you coffee or a warm blanket.

So stop calling my damn office.

Thank you.

In the news

Two unrelated articles:

1. Sometimes being drunk and naked isn't enough. Then you need a raccoon.

Thank you, Tanya!

2. Now THIS is what I call a gardening accident.

Thank you, Webhill!

Dear Dr. Whozawhatsit,

Thank you for faxing me this remarkably helpful picture last night:





For the life of me, I have no idea what it is. Since you left the name off, I have no idea who it is, either. In fact the only thing legible on it was your name. So maybe it's you? But you're not one of my patients (perhaps you should be).

Anyway, I'm sure these amazingly clear pictures will be of tremendous use in my treatment of their condition, whatever it is. Whoever it is. And whatever the hell it's a picture of.

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Mary's desk, August 29, 2011

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Krayzd: "Hi! I need to reschedule my appointment with Dr. Grumpy. There's no way I'll be able to make it that day."

Mary: "Okay, when is your appointment?"

Mrs. Krayzd: "I have no idea. Can you look it up for me?"

First day of school

Today the Grumpy kids (and Carson, whoever he is) are back to school.

It's also come to my attention that classes are starting today at the medical school I attended.

In honor of that, I'd like to show this brief educational video to let the new medical students know what the next 7-10 years of school and residency will be like.

Maybe she can get a job at Dunkin Donuts now...

Yes, yet another fast-food entrepreneur goes down.

Thank you, Janine!

Sunday morning, 1:38 a.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Beer: "Hi ya, Doc, how ya doin'?"

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you, sir?

Mr. Beer: "How's Las Vegas? I LOVE Las Vegas."

Dr. Grumpy: "It was fine. Why are you calling?"

Mr. Beer: "Mary had said you were going to be in Vegas, so I thought I'd give you some pointers. I have a great Blackjack system, and there's an awesome bar over at..."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm home. If you don't have a medical reason to be calling, then I'm getting off the phone."

Mr. Beer: "Hang on, why don't you get something to write on, in case you go back, and..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good night."