Sunday night. 11:35 p.m.

"I know the waiters there spit in my food, because they don't like people who just eat salads. I told the waiter that I had special powder I'd sprinkle in my salad to show traces of saliva, so he better not try it. But now I'm afraid to go anywhere else, because the food servers throughout the country are conspiring against me. They've hired a chemist to find ways to make it so that their spit doesn't show up with my special powder, and my powder doesn't work now. I know they're still secretly spitting in all my food, so I need to hire someone to make me a new powder that will detect their invisible saliva. Does Dr. Grumpy do this sort of thing? Please call me back in the morning."

Memories...

The brain that would not die...

In 2005 I took care of a patient with Jakob-Creutzfeld disease (or Creutzfeld-Jakob, depending on where you trained). This an uncommon, rapidly progressive, neurological disease.

My patient's family got in touch with a research program at the NIH, where they were collecting brains from these patients for further studies. So after he died later that year, his brain was sent off to their research center.

To this day, once a year, around the time he died, I get a letter from the NIH, asking how the patient is doing.

I used to write back pointing out that THEY had his brain, and to ask him. Now I just toss them.

Today, on the Travel Channel

One of my friends was recently on a trip to China, and sent back a few pics.

This one shows the location of a party school. I suspect there's a big difference between the American and Chinese definitions of "party school".

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In his hotel room, among the usual amenities, was a box of condoms. Obviously, these people take their birth control seriously.

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This last one, which I'm not going to comment on (that's your job) he says was taken in a generic shopping mall, in a store that featured local crafts.

(maybe you shouldn't click to enlarge)

The joy of Wikipedia

It was pointed out to me that the entry for IRNA, the Iranian government's news agency, lists their website as having started in 1981.



This is very impressive. In 1981 I was in high school. My computer at the time was a TRS-80 (top-of-the-line model, with 16K of RAM!) and in spite of all that technical saavy I'd never heard of webpages. I didn't learn about such things until the mid-90's, during my residency.

Friday afternoon whatever

Dr. Grumpy: "What kind of exercise are you doing?"

Miss Fit: "Yogurt."

Dr. Grumpy: "You're on a yogurt diet?"

Miss Fit: "No, yogurt. The exercise thing, where you hold different positions and stretch."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean yoga."

Miss Fit: "Whatever."

Urgent matters

Last night I saw a hospital consult, with the following admission note:

"On Saturday, while packing his car, he suddenly felt lightheaded, followed by right-sided weakness and slurred speech. He didn't seek medical attention at the time. In fact, he and his wife drove to Connecticut that day for a short vacation. All symptoms have since persisted, and upon returning to Grumpyville this afternoon they went home, unpacked, and then came to ER for evaluation."

Balancing act

Medicine is never an easy field. People accuse doctors of not doing enough, or doing too much.

There are no easy answers. We're caught between doing what's best, without putting the patient through too much, and doing what's needed to protect ourselves from legal action.

Let's take Mrs. Summer. She's a nice 78 year-old lady I saw in the office last week.

Earlier this month she hurt her back. So she saw her internist, who correctly diagnosed her with a muscle strain. He gave her a muscle relaxant and Tylenol #3.

A few hours after she took the medications she became confused and sleepy. Her family called Dr. Internist, who said to stop them immediately.

She was absolutely fine the next morning, but her daughter is a nurse at the hospital, and wanted me to have a look at her for the episode. So she called Mary, and they came in last week.

The odds are that all she had was confusion due to Tylenol #3. So do nothing. It's most likely and least expensive.

BUT maybe she had a TIA. If I don't correctly diagnose that, and she has a big stroke, than they could sue me. So let's order a brain MRI, head & neck MRA, and echocardiogram. That's a few thousand dollars in tests.

Or maybe she had a seizure, and needs to be started on seizure medications. So lets order an EEG, too. Another $500.

Perhaps it was a metabolic event, with her blood sugar getting too low. So I'll order some labs. That'll be another $500-$1000 depending on how much I order.

This is the dilemma your doctor faces each day, many times over. None of us come to work saying "Oh boy! I can't wait to drive up the cost of health care today!" But we're faced with finding an (at times) impossible balance.

We don't get a 2nd chance, either. If we guess wrong we run the risk of getting sued. Another doctor is always willing to make a living as an expert witness and testify that we are incompetent.

And yet, with this sword of Damocles hanging over our heads, I and thousands of other doctors do this every day. And try to do the best we can, within the limits of human fallibility.

High speed chase

Look, people. If you're planning on being a crook, you need a decent getaway vehicle to outrun the cops.

You should NOT pick something that they can catch on foot.

Thank you, Jok!

Guess again

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you ever had surgery?"

Mr. Hollow: "Yeah, they took out my internal organs."

Dr. Grumpy: "Which ones?"

Mr. Hollow: "Um, I don't know. All of them?"

Maybe I should dress better

Yesterday a drug company hired me to do a lunchtime talk at an office down the street. It wasn't one I'd ever been to before.

I showed up at the appointed time, and politely waited at the front desk. After a few minutes a lady noticed me, and before I could speak, she said "Oh, glad you're here. Go through the door, and down the hall. It's the 3rd room on the right."

So I obligingly headed that way. I found myself in a room with a few business machines, and no people. An odd place to do a lunch talk, but some offices have very limited space. So I got out my speaker's notes and quietly glanced them over while I waited.

A few people walked by and looked at me, but didn't say anything. Finally the lady who sent me in came back.

Office Lady: "Uh, you can start whenever."

Dr. Grumpy: "But there's no one here yet to give my talk to."

Office Lady: "Talk? What do you mean?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm Dr. Grumpy, here to give a talk on Fukitol..."

Office Lady: "Oh, I thought you came to fix the copier."

Today's criminal tip

Okay, when committing a robbery, there are some things you shouldn't leave at the scene.

Like your diploma...

Life in line

I had to return something to the store last night, and was in line behind a lady carrying a large cardboard box with a picture of a table on it.

Counter Girl: "Can I help you?"

Mrs. Mesa: "Yeah, I bought this table that you have to put together, and I didn't like the way it looked when I assembled it. So I'm bringing it back."

Counter Girl: "Okay, do you have your receipt?"

Mrs. Mesa: "Right here." (hands over receipt)

Counter Girl: "Okay, and the table."

Mrs. Mesa: "Here you go." (hands over box)

Counter Girl: "Uh, this box is empty."

Mrs. Mesa: "Yeah. I put the table together, so it doesn't fit in the box anymore."

Counter Girl: "So where's the table?"

Mrs. Mesa: It's in my car. Do I need to bring it in?"

Counter Girl: "Yes, if you're returning it."

Mrs. Mesa: "Okay. But you should have that posted somewhere."

That doesn't sound good

Mr. Reaper: "Everyone in my family who's died, died of stuff."

Dr. Grumpy: "Like what?"

Mr. Reaper: "Bad stuff. I mean, the kind people die from."

Monday morning hospital rounds

I love it when I see contradictory stuff like this in a chart:

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