OH BOY! It's time for my pap smear!

Dear Medical Supply Catalog,

While I understand that attractive, Prozac-overdosed models may sell merchandise effectively, you should know that, in reality, NOBODY looks this happy about having to put on an exam gown.




Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Challenging case

Dr. Grumpy: "How did this all start?"

Mr. Lenz: "When I woke up yesterday, everything was blurry."

Dr. Grumpy: "Has it gotten better?"

Mr. Lenz: "Oh, it was fine as soon as I put on my glasses."

January 5, 1941

Amelia Earhart wasn't the only pioneering woman pilot, and there are others who should be remembered. One of the best died 70 years ago today.




The amazing Amy Johnson


Her name was Amy Johnson, and she was a legal secretary in London. But she was fascinated by the airplanes that were changing the world. In 1929 she earned both her pilot and engineering licenses.

Her father, in the tradition of all great dads, supported her dreams, no matter how far out of step with the times they were (Good Lord! Who wants a woman to fly a plane?!). He helped buy her first plane, a de Havilland Gipsy Moth, which she named "Jason".




Amy and Jason


She quickly began racking up records. The first woman to fly solo from Britain to Australia (1930). First person to fly from London to Moscow in 1 day (1931). From Moscow she continued on through Siberia to Tokyo (this flight set the world record for shortest flying time from London to Tokyo). Fastest solo flight from London to Cape Town (1932). It should be noted that the last bunch were human firsts- not just for a woman.

Although she later moved on to other planes, Jason was always her favorite, and is preserved today at the London Science Museum.

In 1933 she crashed in Connecticut while flying from Wales to the U.S., but quickly recovered.

When World War II began she volunteered for the ATA (Air Transport Auxiliary), flying aircraft from factories to front lines.

On this day in 1941 she was flying from Blackpool to Kidlington, on a mission that still remains a military secret. She may have been transporting another person.

In bad weather she went off course, and her plane crashed in the Thames river estuary. Amy was briefly seen alive in the water, but a rescue attempt by Lt. Cmdr. Walter Fletcher of H.M.S. Haslemere was unsuccessful (Fletcher himself died trying to reach her). Her body was never recovered.

She was 37 years old.

The cause of her death is listed as her going off course in bad weather, though there are also rumors that she was accidentally shot down in a "friendly fire" error.

Al Stewart, who I think is a great songwriter, wrote "Flying Sorcery" about her. I love the song, and in some ways it reminds of my own daydreaming daughter.


With your photographs of Kitty Hawk
And the biplanes on your wall
You were always Amy Johnson
From the time that you were small.

No schoolroom kept you grounded
While your thoughts could get away
You were taking off in Tiger Moths
Your wings against the brush-strokes of the day

Are you there?
On the tarmac with the winter in your hair
By the empty hangar doors you stop and stare
Leave the oil drums behind you, they won't care
Oh, are you there?

Oh, you wrapped me up in a leather coat
And you took me for a ride
We were drifting with the tail-wind
When the runway came in sight

The clouds came up to gather us
And the cockpit turned to white
When I looked the sky was empty
I suppose you never saw the landing-lights

Are you there?
In your jacket with the grease-stain and the tear?
Caught up in the slipstream of a dare
The compass rose will guide you anywhere
Oh, are you there?

The sun comes up on Icarus
As the night-birds sail away
And lights the maps and diagrams
That Leonardo makes

You can see Faith, Hope, and Charity*
As they bank above the fields
You can join the flying circus
You can touch the morning air against your wheels

Are you there?
Do you have a thought for me that you can share?
Oh I never thought you'd take me unawares
Just call me if you ever need repairs
Oh, are you there?


*Faith, Hope, and Charity were the names of the only 3 fighter planes that were available to defend British Malta during the dark days of early WWII, when the 3 were badly outnumbered by the German and Italian air forces. But they did it.

Let's do the time warp, again...

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Sundial: "Hi, what time is my appointment today?"

Mary: "Um, you missed it. It was at 9:00 this morning."

Mr. Sundial: "What time is it now?"

Mary: "10:15 a.m."

(long pause)

Mr. Sundial: "So can I still come in at 9:00 this morning?"

Attention ladies!

While I recognize that everyone has their own definition of romance, I think I speak for the majority of human males when I say this:

It is generally NOT a good idea to call the cops on a guy, and falsely accuse him of attacking you, in hopes that the presence of an armed police officer will make him suddenly propose to you.

Like this lady.

Thank you, Suzanne!

Whatever

Mr. Blackout: "I fainted last weekend. The Emergency Room doctor said it was called Cinco de Mayo."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, you mean syncope?"

Mr. Blackout: "Yeah, whatever."

Early morning hospital rounds

I'm sitting at the nurses station, reading a chart. A nurse comes over.

Nurse Query: "Dr. Grumpy, I have a question on Mrs. Stroke."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Nurse Query: "You ordered a head and neck MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Nurse Query: "So you want us to do a head and neck MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Nurse Query: "Now, the hospitalist ordered a brain MRI. So should we cancel that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. They all need to be done."

Nurse Query: "You want a brain MRI? Even though you're already doing a head and neck MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Nurse Query: "Do we need to do a neck MRI, too? Since we're doing a neck MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No."

Nurse Query (walking away): "I'm sorry, but these orders are confusing."

Pink medical scrubs? A black wig? And a Darth Vader mask?

Good heavens! Don't attempted bank robbers try to be fashionable anymore?

Thank you, Ami & Rob!

New Year's Resolution

Is your resolution this year to lose weight? (hell, that's been mine for the last 15 years) Are you sick of diets and exercise? Are you interested in a surgical gastric bypass for weight loss, but your insurance won't cover it?

Or are you interested in surgery, but don't like the idea of some stranger you've barely met seeing you naked and operating on you?

Well, Amazon has the answer for you!

Yes, for only $258.95 you can order your own laparoscopic bypass surgical kit! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!

Now (unless you don't have $258.95 + shipping) there's no reason for you not to have surgery. You can order this kit today, which (according to Amazon) features everything needed for the surgery. (NOTE- The kit for sale is new. Used kits are not listed, but I suspect they're cheaper).

Finally, you have the opportunity to improve your weight in the privacy of your own home, and don't have to worry about some surgeon (who you've just met, and who may not really be qualified) taking you to the OR. This time the surgery can be done by the person who knows your body best- YOU! Or, if you prefer, you can invite a few friends over. I'm sure they can help you figure out where to cut and what to do with the leftover pieces.

So what are you waiting for? Make this YOUR year! Order the kit, get a few bottles of strong whiskey for anesthesia (hell, it worked for frontier dentists), and invite friends over for a bypass party!

If you don't believe me, click the link here.

New year re-runs

I'm too tired and sick with the crud to write something new.

It's been a rough year for her, but at 15 Blackdog is still with us and doing better.

So I once again wish you guys...

A very happy New Year, from the dogs of Grumpy Neurology, Inc.




Zoom (Annie)





Spaz and Fizzy (Mary)





And last, but not least, Cooper, Snowball, and Blackdog (Dr. Grumpy)

Cooper isn't as fat as he looks. He's 80% fur. He got shaved down last week, and now weighs 12 lbs. And he DOES NOT like it, either.

Survey fun

Okay, gang, I'm doing an online survey this morning and encountered this question:

"Of your epilepsy patients who are taking multiple anti-seizure medications, how many of them are on only 1 medication?"

Reasons to strangle a patient

One of my epilepsy patients called this morning, asking if we could move up her appointment from next week to today. We're full today, and couldn't do it.

So a few minutes later she called back. She told Mary she'd had 3 seizures last night, and urgently needed to see me. So I added her on to the schedule, and crammed her in when I had a minute.


Dr. Grumpy: "So what happened? Mary said you had a bunch of seizures last night?"

Mrs. Abouttobethrottled: "No, I just told her that. I wanted to get in today."

Dr. Grumpy: "You lied to Mary so you could get in a few days early?!!!"

Mrs. Abouttobethrottled: "Well, your office is closed tomorrow, and next week my office visit co-pay goes from $20 to $30."

"I, uh, had my skin darkened, like Michael Jackson, but the opposite way."

Folks, if you're trying to use someone else's ID, please remember that they should at least be a similar race and sex to you.

Not like this guy.

Thank you, Mike!

That about covers it

While seeing a new consult at the hospital last night, I found this line in the admitting doctor's note:

"I think the patient had a TIA, or stroke, or headache, or some other type of neurology thing."