Whatever

Mr. Blackout: "I fainted last weekend. The Emergency Room doctor said it was called Cinco de Mayo."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, you mean syncope?"

Mr. Blackout: "Yeah, whatever."

Early morning hospital rounds

I'm sitting at the nurses station, reading a chart. A nurse comes over.

Nurse Query: "Dr. Grumpy, I have a question on Mrs. Stroke."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Nurse Query: "You ordered a head and neck MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Nurse Query: "So you want us to do a head and neck MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Nurse Query: "Now, the hospitalist ordered a brain MRI. So should we cancel that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. They all need to be done."

Nurse Query: "You want a brain MRI? Even though you're already doing a head and neck MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Nurse Query: "Do we need to do a neck MRI, too? Since we're doing a neck MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No."

Nurse Query (walking away): "I'm sorry, but these orders are confusing."

Pink medical scrubs? A black wig? And a Darth Vader mask?

Good heavens! Don't attempted bank robbers try to be fashionable anymore?

Thank you, Ami & Rob!

New Year's Resolution

Is your resolution this year to lose weight? (hell, that's been mine for the last 15 years) Are you sick of diets and exercise? Are you interested in a surgical gastric bypass for weight loss, but your insurance won't cover it?

Or are you interested in surgery, but don't like the idea of some stranger you've barely met seeing you naked and operating on you?

Well, Amazon has the answer for you!

Yes, for only $258.95 you can order your own laparoscopic bypass surgical kit! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!

Now (unless you don't have $258.95 + shipping) there's no reason for you not to have surgery. You can order this kit today, which (according to Amazon) features everything needed for the surgery. (NOTE- The kit for sale is new. Used kits are not listed, but I suspect they're cheaper).

Finally, you have the opportunity to improve your weight in the privacy of your own home, and don't have to worry about some surgeon (who you've just met, and who may not really be qualified) taking you to the OR. This time the surgery can be done by the person who knows your body best- YOU! Or, if you prefer, you can invite a few friends over. I'm sure they can help you figure out where to cut and what to do with the leftover pieces.

So what are you waiting for? Make this YOUR year! Order the kit, get a few bottles of strong whiskey for anesthesia (hell, it worked for frontier dentists), and invite friends over for a bypass party!

If you don't believe me, click the link here.

New year re-runs

I'm too tired and sick with the crud to write something new.

It's been a rough year for her, but at 15 Blackdog is still with us and doing better.

So I once again wish you guys...

A very happy New Year, from the dogs of Grumpy Neurology, Inc.




Zoom (Annie)





Spaz and Fizzy (Mary)





And last, but not least, Cooper, Snowball, and Blackdog (Dr. Grumpy)

Cooper isn't as fat as he looks. He's 80% fur. He got shaved down last week, and now weighs 12 lbs. And he DOES NOT like it, either.

Survey fun

Okay, gang, I'm doing an online survey this morning and encountered this question:

"Of your epilepsy patients who are taking multiple anti-seizure medications, how many of them are on only 1 medication?"

Reasons to strangle a patient

One of my epilepsy patients called this morning, asking if we could move up her appointment from next week to today. We're full today, and couldn't do it.

So a few minutes later she called back. She told Mary she'd had 3 seizures last night, and urgently needed to see me. So I added her on to the schedule, and crammed her in when I had a minute.


Dr. Grumpy: "So what happened? Mary said you had a bunch of seizures last night?"

Mrs. Abouttobethrottled: "No, I just told her that. I wanted to get in today."

Dr. Grumpy: "You lied to Mary so you could get in a few days early?!!!"

Mrs. Abouttobethrottled: "Well, your office is closed tomorrow, and next week my office visit co-pay goes from $20 to $30."

"I, uh, had my skin darkened, like Michael Jackson, but the opposite way."

Folks, if you're trying to use someone else's ID, please remember that they should at least be a similar race and sex to you.

Not like this guy.

Thank you, Mike!

That about covers it

While seeing a new consult at the hospital last night, I found this line in the admitting doctor's note:

"I think the patient had a TIA, or stroke, or headache, or some other type of neurology thing."

Honesty

Mr. Ford: "I've been doing some fun stuff. I got a role in Local Theater's new play."

Dr. Grumpy: "That sounds cool. Do you have any acting experience?"

Mr. Ford: "Yeah, I sold cars for 20 years."

Marital status

Like other doctors' offices, my patient information form features the typical questions, including "Marital Status?"

Usually someone writes something simple, like "married", "single", "divorced", "widowed". Or even just letters like M, S, D, or W.

But some people feel the need to make this a bit more personal.

I've actually seen the following:

"Single, and desperate."

"Divorced x 3, widowed x 2, separated x 2."

"Married, but it's an open marriage."

"Married, and hate the bitch."

"Single, but I sleep with my boyfriend."

"Single. Is Mary available?"

"Single. My phone number is below, please call if interested."

Tuesday night criminal tip

Attention crooks:

If you're going to steal a TV from a delivery van, it is NOT recommended that you do so from one parked near a police station. Or subsequently wheel it past the police station in a shopping cart. Or wear something as conspicuous as full-body military camouflage while doing so.

Like this guy.

Thank you, Linda!

Minor differences

Dr. Grumpy: "How much coffee do you drink?"

Mr. Java: "None. I quit last month because my cardiologist told me to cut out codeine."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean caffeine."

Mr. Java: "Aren't they the same thing?"

Instruction manual

Generally, by the time you reach my age, you should have some idea of how to eat the majority of things available at your local restaurants. As a kid you learn pretty quickly that you should peel bananas & oranges before eating* and not eat the bones that are part of your chicken, or ribs, or T-bone steak. Cantaloupe and watermelon rinds aren't recommended consumption, either.

I, personally, don't expect a waiter to give me eating tips (unless I ask first). The only time one did was when Mrs. Grumpy dragged me to a fondue restaurant, and the waiter gave us a spiel on the proper ways to order and combine which foods with which fondue. We got up and left when he reached the 10 minute mark and showed no signs of stopping. I was afraid he was going to start a Powerpoint show.

But there's always someone who has to be different.

Thank you Dr. Fizzy!

*Think about it- SOMEWHERE in human history there was a poor sucker who tried to eat an unpeeled banana, and so all of us today have benefited from what they learned. I think their contribution to humanity is up there with the electric light, but you don't see a town named "Unknown Person Who Ate An Unpeeled Banana, New Jersey" do you?