New year re-runs

I'm too tired and sick with the crud to write something new.

It's been a rough year for her, but at 15 Blackdog is still with us and doing better.

So I once again wish you guys...

A very happy New Year, from the dogs of Grumpy Neurology, Inc.




Zoom (Annie)





Spaz and Fizzy (Mary)





And last, but not least, Cooper, Snowball, and Blackdog (Dr. Grumpy)

Cooper isn't as fat as he looks. He's 80% fur. He got shaved down last week, and now weighs 12 lbs. And he DOES NOT like it, either.

Survey fun

Okay, gang, I'm doing an online survey this morning and encountered this question:

"Of your epilepsy patients who are taking multiple anti-seizure medications, how many of them are on only 1 medication?"

Reasons to strangle a patient

One of my epilepsy patients called this morning, asking if we could move up her appointment from next week to today. We're full today, and couldn't do it.

So a few minutes later she called back. She told Mary she'd had 3 seizures last night, and urgently needed to see me. So I added her on to the schedule, and crammed her in when I had a minute.


Dr. Grumpy: "So what happened? Mary said you had a bunch of seizures last night?"

Mrs. Abouttobethrottled: "No, I just told her that. I wanted to get in today."

Dr. Grumpy: "You lied to Mary so you could get in a few days early?!!!"

Mrs. Abouttobethrottled: "Well, your office is closed tomorrow, and next week my office visit co-pay goes from $20 to $30."

"I, uh, had my skin darkened, like Michael Jackson, but the opposite way."

Folks, if you're trying to use someone else's ID, please remember that they should at least be a similar race and sex to you.

Not like this guy.

Thank you, Mike!

That about covers it

While seeing a new consult at the hospital last night, I found this line in the admitting doctor's note:

"I think the patient had a TIA, or stroke, or headache, or some other type of neurology thing."

Honesty

Mr. Ford: "I've been doing some fun stuff. I got a role in Local Theater's new play."

Dr. Grumpy: "That sounds cool. Do you have any acting experience?"

Mr. Ford: "Yeah, I sold cars for 20 years."

Marital status

Like other doctors' offices, my patient information form features the typical questions, including "Marital Status?"

Usually someone writes something simple, like "married", "single", "divorced", "widowed". Or even just letters like M, S, D, or W.

But some people feel the need to make this a bit more personal.

I've actually seen the following:

"Single, and desperate."

"Divorced x 3, widowed x 2, separated x 2."

"Married, but it's an open marriage."

"Married, and hate the bitch."

"Single, but I sleep with my boyfriend."

"Single. Is Mary available?"

"Single. My phone number is below, please call if interested."

Tuesday night criminal tip

Attention crooks:

If you're going to steal a TV from a delivery van, it is NOT recommended that you do so from one parked near a police station. Or subsequently wheel it past the police station in a shopping cart. Or wear something as conspicuous as full-body military camouflage while doing so.

Like this guy.

Thank you, Linda!

Minor differences

Dr. Grumpy: "How much coffee do you drink?"

Mr. Java: "None. I quit last month because my cardiologist told me to cut out codeine."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean caffeine."

Mr. Java: "Aren't they the same thing?"

Instruction manual

Generally, by the time you reach my age, you should have some idea of how to eat the majority of things available at your local restaurants. As a kid you learn pretty quickly that you should peel bananas & oranges before eating* and not eat the bones that are part of your chicken, or ribs, or T-bone steak. Cantaloupe and watermelon rinds aren't recommended consumption, either.

I, personally, don't expect a waiter to give me eating tips (unless I ask first). The only time one did was when Mrs. Grumpy dragged me to a fondue restaurant, and the waiter gave us a spiel on the proper ways to order and combine which foods with which fondue. We got up and left when he reached the 10 minute mark and showed no signs of stopping. I was afraid he was going to start a Powerpoint show.

But there's always someone who has to be different.

Thank you Dr. Fizzy!

*Think about it- SOMEWHERE in human history there was a poor sucker who tried to eat an unpeeled banana, and so all of us today have benefited from what they learned. I think their contribution to humanity is up there with the electric light, but you don't see a town named "Unknown Person Who Ate An Unpeeled Banana, New Jersey" do you?

There's drunk, and then there's REALLY drunk

Great idea. When you're caught driving drunk, just say you aren't.

Like this guy.

Thank you, Alison!

Sunday afternoon, 5:51 p.m.

"Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. Grumpy's. On Christmas eve I was at my daughter's house, and they all pointed out that I was dragging my right leg. It didn't hurt, and I didn't want to ruin the party, so I figured I'd see if it got better overnight. In the morning it wasn't any better, and my right arm and face were numb. But it was Christmas, and even though my granddaughter said I was talking funny, I didn't want to bother you, because it's, you know, a holiday. Besides, it made her laugh. She's so cute! Plus, my son had traveled all the way from Albuquerque to join us, and I didn't want to spoil things. Anyway, it's Sunday afternoon, and I'm on the way home after dropping my son off at the airport. So I'm calling to see if I can get an appointment to see you next week. Can someone please call me back in the morning?"

Eye opener

In spite of all the freakin' snow we've had, Frank apparently hasn't gotten tired of building snowmen.

So last night he couldn't sleep, and I heard him doing this and that as I dozed. At some point in the wee hours he discovered that he could make a pseudo-clay from toilet paper, water, and glue.

So when I woke this morning, this was sitting on my night table, and was the first thing I saw upon opening my eyes.

Holiday reruns

For Christmas day I'm repeating this column from last year. It detailed my December 24th run to the grocery store.


Oh, 2 tomatoes, and some paper plates? No problem. Let me get my car keys.

Crap, Local Grocery is mobbed. Hey, bitch! Don't flip me off! I wasn't even looking at that parking space. Chill.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Salvation Army dude. My only cash is $3, but I'll gladly put it in your kettle.

What a fucking mob scene. Hey! Don't push me! I didn't even want the last shopping cart! I'm just here for some damn tomatoes, lady. Merry Christmas.

Hi, it's me. I have the tomatoes. What brand of paper plates do you want? No, it looks like they're out of those. Okay, I'll get Chinet. Says they're made from recycled paper. Hope it's not toilet paper.

No, Mr. Salvation Army. I gave you my last $3 on the way in. Remember? Merry Christmas.

Hello? No, just leaving. Lettuce? Yeah, hang on. I can go back. Looks like some guy in a Santa hat is yelling at the Salvation Army guy for blocking the door, but security is leading Santa away now. Shit, somebody took my parking space as soon as I pulled out. Let me find another one.

Sorry, Mr. McDonald's manager. I didn't realize this space was for McD's customers only. It's not marked that way. I'll move my car, don't worry. Merry Christmas.

Mr. Salvation Army, it's me again. I had to come back. You have my $3 already.

Lettuce... hey, stockperson, whatever sex you are, where's the lettuce? You only have 3 heads left? Wow. I had no idea there'd be such a rush on iceberg for Christmas. Well, this one looks like it's been dropped the least.

It's a self-checkout. Look, I don't recognize you as one of my Alzheimer's patients, but you obviously are not grasping how to work this thing. So go over to the cashier and check-out the old fashioned way. I think she's one of my dementia patients, so I'm sure you'll have a lot to talk about while you hold up that line.

What the fuck! It's not taking my credit card! All I want is one fucking head of bruised iceberg lettuce!

WhatdoyoumeanthefuckingcreditcardsystemhascrashedbecauseeveryotherlastminuteloserinAmericaistryingtousetheircreditcardrightnow?

How long will that take?

NO! I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING CASH! I GAVE MY LAST 3 DOLLARS TO THE FUCKING SALVATION ARMY GUY! IF I HAD ANY CASH DO YOU THINK I'D BE WASTING MY TIME TRYING TO PUT A SINGLE $1.29 HEAD OF LETTUCE ON A FUCKING CREDIT CARD?!!

Well, fine. I'll go over to the ATM across the parking lot. Look at that line and NO, YOU BELL-RINGING ASSHOLE! YOU ALREADY HAVE MY $3! IF I HADN'T PUT IT IN YOUR FUCKING KETTLE I'D HAVE BEEN HOME BY NOW!

This is the line for the ATM? There are 5 freaking ATM's here? Oh, great, the other 4 are all out of cash due to the Christmas rush. Fine, I'll wait.

Hello? No, I'm in line at an ATM. I need to get cash to buy lettuce and... Because I gave it to the Salvation Army guy, that's why! Look, it's taking longer than I thought!

NO, MR. SALVATION ARMY! I just got this $20 out of the ATM after waiting for 15 minutes, because I gave you my last $3 and now the credit card machine is broken, and if you approach me again I'm going to shove that fucking bell up your ass.

YOU SOLD MY FUCKING BRUISED HEAD OF LETTUCE TO SOMEBODY ELSE? ARE THERE ANY LEFT? NO? CALL THE FUCKING MANAGER!!!

Fine I'll take this bag of salad instead, but it better be for the original $1.29. Merry Christmas.

Don't even think about it, Mr. Bell Ringing Salvation Army Guy.

When I got home Mrs. Grumpy told me she'd just found an extra head of lettuce in the refrigerator. She'd forgotten she'd bought one yesterday and put it in the produce drawer.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.