Not helpful

Mr. Corpuscle: "I had some blood tests at the lab last week."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you know what they showed?"

Mr. Corpuscle: "They haven't called me. It looked red, though."

More Medical Research

War zone.

The phrase immediately brings to mind explosions in the background. Shell holes. Cries of the dying and wounded. The sound of gunfire, off in the distance (I'm getting used to it now).

Definitely not the kind of place where you'd go for a good night sleep.

At least, that's what I think. I mean, given a choice between a war zone and my bedroom here in quiet Grumpyville, I think I'd sleep better here. In a scientific poll (okay, I asked my kids) 100% of respondents agreed you'd likely sleep better at home than in an active military operations area.

Of course, someone had to prove this.

So, in a study involving over 41,000 soldiers, they compared sleeping habits at home to sleeping habits in war zones in Iraq and Afghanistan.

They found that soldiers in war zones don't sleep as well as those at home.

In a breakdown of groups, soldiers who'd been directly involved in recent combat situations had more trouble sleeping than non-combatants.

Here's the complete story.

Thank you, NLK!

There goes my office overhead

We generally take the sun for granted. It rises and sets pretty reliably, and is a relatively ordinary star.

But let's face it: We're here because it's there. If it were to burn out tomorrow, AND we had the capacity to use all wood, oil, nuclear fuel, etc. (including what's still underground) we could keep the planet warm enough to support life for maybe 72 hours. Maybe.

But it's always been free. Until now.

Ms. Angeles Duran, of Spain, has registered herself as the owner of the sun. Really.

She claims that while international treaties forbid nations from owning stellar objects, individuals may do so. So she went to a local notary and registered herself as the sole (sol?) owner of a very large furnace, currently located 93,000,000 miles from her.

She says she's going to start charging the rest of us for using her property.

Here's the story.

Thank you, Kayden.

More gift ideas

You've overdone it at the luau. You had WAY too much pineapple, roast pork, poi, rum, and cheap beer.

And the pork was sitting out far too long when you went back for thirds, and now you've got salmonella. With serious gastrointestinal disturbances of the type not portrayed on dinner plates.

So what should you use while spending a few hours in the bathroom? Not just any old toilet paper, but Luau TP!




Yes, for only $2.99/roll you can have festive luau-themed toilet paper to remind you why you're in this situation in the first place.

Good thing they didn't steal cucumbers

4 pairs of boots, 3 pairs of jeans, 1 wallet, several gloves.

Sounds like a decent amount of stuff, huh?

Believe it or not, 2 women who were shoplifting actually stole all that by hiding it in the fat folds of their breasts, bellies, and armpits!

Here's the story.

Thank you, Amanda & Carol, for sending this in.

Great office moments

Dr. Pissy: "You going to pick up your kids?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, I have to stop at the deli first."

Dr. Pissy: "Why?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It's the first night of Hanukkah, I need to pick up potato pancakes for dinner."

Dr. Pissy: "That sounds good. You bringing any in tomorrow for us?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No."

Dr. Pissy: "That's not very christian of you."

Air traffic control

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Compass: "Yeah, I have an appointment there at 9:00, and I don't see your name on the directory."

Mary: "What building are you in?"

Mrs. Compass: "Medical #5."

Mary: "Okay, we're in Medical #1, on the 6th floor. If you go out to the parking lot and face east, it's the big white building."

Mrs. Compass: "Okay, I'm on my way." (click)

(3 minutes later)

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Mary."

Mrs. Compass: "Yeah, I can't find your building."

Mary: "Where are you now?"

Mrs. Compass: "In the parking lot, facing west."

Mary: "We're behind you. Turn around. It's the big white building."

Mrs. Compass: "Oh! I see you! On the way." (click)

(3 minutes later)

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Compass: "Um, I think I got turned around and lost in the parking lot."

Mary: (sigh) "Okay, where are you?"

Mrs. Compass: "Facing your building. It's the reddish colored one."

Mary: "No, that's not our building... Hang on..." (walks to window) "What are you wearing?"

Mrs. Compass: "A red sweater, and a black baseball cap."

Mary: "Can you wave your arms and jump up or down or something... Okay! I see you. Turn to your left. No, I mean your other left. Yes. Now do you see the big white building?"

Mrs. Compass: "Oh! It's right in front of me!"

(at this point Dr. Pissy, the rest of the staff, and I were all standing at the window, in hysterics, while Mary tried not to lose her composure)

Mary: "Great! Just walk straight toward us!"

(Lady in red sweater and baseball cap walks about 10 feet toward us, then turns around and goes back the other way)

Mary: "Stop! Turn around!"

Mrs. Compass: "I thought you said I had to go east?"

Mary: "Yes, but now you're going west."

Mrs. Compass: "Are you sure?"

Mary: "Promise. Just turn around and walk toward the white building."


A few minutes later her flight landed successfully at my office. As she was filling out the paperwork, she said "You know, I started out in this building, too, and noticed your name on the directory. But I was sure you were in building #5, so I figured it was another Dr. Grumpy, and left."

The First Night

The official Grumpy family Christmakuh tree is up, and I want to wish my Jewish readers a very happy Hanukkah!




Last January, trying to get some deals on leftovers, Mrs. Grumpy and I hit a Mikasa outlet store after the holidays.

Mrs. Grumpy: "Do you have any Hanukkah stuff?"

Clerk: "No, we only carry Mikasa."

Swinging Lawyers, P.C.

In the mail today was a letter from one of my patient's lawyers.

The letterhead gave me the giggles.

While you quickly realize all the ways this would make perfect sense, the human mind always leaps to the worst.

It said:

Smuckers & Welch, P.C.

Adam Q. Smuckers
Phillip N. Welch
Susan R. Smuckers-Welch

Justifiable homicide

I was seeing a new patient, and as usual had a can of Diet Coke on my desk. Yesterday afternoon, for variety, it was the kind with lime.


Mr. Manners: "It hurts when I climb stairs, and... Hey, how is that lime-flavored Diet Coke? I've never tried it."

Dr. Grumpy: "I like it, I go back and forth between it, regular Diet Coke, and..."

Mr. Manners reaches over, picks up my Diet Coke, and freakin' DRINKS SOME!

Mr. Manners: "Hey! That is good! I'll have to buy some."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uhhh, you can keep that one."

Mr. Manners: "Really? Thanks, doc! Anyway, sometimes the foot goes numb and..."

Patient quote of the day

"I have an excellent sense of smell. I can especially smell vanilla. My husband and I once measured it, and found I can smell an open bottle of vanilla from 8 3/4 miles away."

'Tis the season

Yes, folks, Christmakuh, Kwanzaa, Festivus, and Solstice are fast approaching, and it's time for

(drumroll please...)

The Dr. Grumpy Guide to Holiday Shopping!

I'd like to thank the catalog companies who have inundated my home with their wares, and the readers who have sent in ideas, to help me guide you.

This tradition started last year because patients routinely call my office asking if we have any gift ideas (NO! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHY THEY CALL ME!!!), so I figure many of you are dying to do the same.

So I'm here to help you, my loyal readers, find some of the best gifts out there, and will present them over the next few weeks.

Last year's most (un)popular item, based on comments, was this tasteful set of mens' clothes. In all honesty, I'm not sure I'll be able to top them, but will try.

So, to kick off your holiday shopping, I'm starting with 2 exquisite items, both from the same site.

Artist Leah Piepgras (who I don't know at all) apparently felt the world needed a set of dishes displaying the human digestive tract. Each place setting features 5 dishes, with individual pictures of various organs "from mouth to anus". Her site lists them as an "exercise in mindfulness", though I personally see it as a way to encourage dieting.

This, for example, is the dinner plate featuring intestines.



To see the rest of these awesome plates, or even to order your own set, you can visit her site. Move your cursor over the plates to see the different anatomy pics.


Not into dinnerware? Well, Ms. Piepgras also has a lovely silver necklace available. Namely this:





Yes, I know you're wondering "What the heck is that?"

Well, according to her site, it's "an accurate representation of semen" (REALLY!) in case you enjoy looking like someone just ejaculated on your sternal notch. She has 2 different blob-o-semen shapes available. Both can be viewed here.

The donor is uncredited.

Saturday night, 10:54 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Tech: "Yeah, I'm calling from Local Lab about your patient, Hugh Neverheardofhim. His sodium is 114, and his potassium is..."

Dr. Grumpy: "This isn't my patient."

Mr. Tech: "Well, your phone number is on the order. Aren't you Dr. Grumpy, the nephrologist?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm a neurologist."

Mr. Tech: "Whatever. I'm just notifying you of your patient's abnormal labs."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's not my patient! You've got the wrong doctor!"

Mr. Tech: "Okay, who should I call now?"

Dr. Grumpy: "His kidney doctor!"

Mr. Tech: "Do you know his number?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No! I don't even know who it is."

Mr. Tech: "Can you look it up for me?"

Dear Family Fun magazine,

Earlier this week Mrs. Grumpy was reading your November issue for Thanksgiving ideas.

As she looked through the pages she came across your instructions for the "Tossing Turkey" game, and how to make the toy drumstick.

The reason she brought it to my attention was that the diagram in the upper right corner seemed, uh, somewhat X-rated.

(click to enlarge)