Sunday night, 7:45 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Phone: "Yeah, I see you for epilepsy, and I take Tegretol. Anyway, I'm in Outofstate City, and I left all my pills back in Grumpytown."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, how long has it been since your last dose?"

Mr. Phone: "Um... I've been here since last Sunday, so I guess it's been a week."

Dr. Grumpy: "A WEEK?!!! Have you had any seizures?"

Mr. Phone: "No."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, is there a pharmacy I can call some Tegretol into for you?"

Mr. Phone: "No, I don't know any here. I'm at the airport, at the gate, so I really can't leave, either."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where are you heading now?"

Mr. Phone: "I'm flying back to Grumpytown tonight. My flight leaves in about 40 minutes."

(long pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. Let me get this straight. You've been without Tegretol for a week. In Outofstate City. And you didn't call me until now, 3 hours before you get back to your home pill supply. And you did this knowing that there is really no way for me to easily call in a refill for you."

Mr. Phone: "Er, yeah, that's about it. There was a magazine lying here, and to kill time I began reading it, and there was an article about how important it was to take your medications as prescribed."

This is Mrs. Grumpy

Due to my husband pretending to be sick, so I had to cancel the babysitter tonight, posting has been temporarily suspended.

He is pretending to be barfing, pretending to be achy, and pretending to have a fever (I think he had the thermometer in Snowball's ass before putting it in his own mouth to fake that one).

Okay, so he's not really faking (it sure sounded better, though). But anyway, I'm not allowing him anywhere near the computer until he's unlikely to puke on it.

I need him healthy and back to work so he can continue to support my lavish school-nurse lifestyle. And because Mary pulls her hair out if she has to reschedule a whole day of patients. And we don't want her to be bald.

Don't call us, we'll call you

She showed up 30 minutes late for her 10:00 appointment.

Normally I wouldn't have seen her, but since the 10:30 had canceled at the last minute, I did.

She apologized for being late, because her pain medications made her so confused she got lost finding my office.

She spent most of the visit telling me how her chronic pain kept making her late for work, on the days when she was able to go to work at all.

She talked about how she didn't think she'd be able to work much longer, and was looking into applying for disability.

And when I asked her if she had any further questions, she whipped out a copy of her resume and asked me if I was interested in replacing any of my current staff.

Dear Drug Company,

Thank you for running an ad campaign that helps dispel the myth that neurologists are eccentric and have no sense of modern fashion. We REALLY appreciate it.

Lying kid? Thermodynamic fail? All of the above?

Dinner is cooking. It will be ready in 20 minutes.

I walk into the kitchen, and startle Craig. He's standing at the toaster, and I've caught him putting Pop-Tarts in it.

"Craig! What are you doing?!!!"

"I'm, uh, making Pop-Tarts."

"I can see that. Dinner is in 20 minutes. Why are you making a snack?"

"Because..."

"Craig, you know better then to have a snack this close to dinner."

"I'm not! It's, um, for my breakfast tomorrow. I'm toasting them now, so they'll be warm when I get out of bed in the morning."

What the hell?

Dr. Grumpy: "So we'll see how the medication change works. Any other questions?"

Mr. Baker: "Have you tried the Local Grocery cinnamon coffeecake?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I, uh..."

Mr. Baker: "They're HUGE! How do you think they can afford to sell them for only $3.99?"

Dear Fleet Enema Company,

Thank you for your recent press release about a new product. Marketing people are truly an amazing group.

I have absolutely no idea how humanity managed to survive so far without it, but now that it's here, the planet can keep rotating safely. We can all be secure in the knowledge that there's finally an enema available for "elective cleansing", "before or after anal intimacy."

(click to enlarge)





Thank you to my reader Amy for submitting this.

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

Attention Miss Hogtie, the 3rd grade teacher:

I don't mind treating grown-ups for minor injuries, either.

But when you come to me looking for something you can put on rope burns, that are ONLY around your wrists and ankles, AND which we all know occurred during your recent trip to Vegas with your boyfriend, DON'T try to make up some crap about how you had an accident weeding your backyard. We both know what you REALLY did.

Just take the aloe lotion, and spare me the details.

March Madness starts tomorrow! Lets get snipped!

I'd like to thank my reader Joey for submitting this ad. For my non-American readers, March Madness is the college basketball championship tournament. It's played out over 3 long weekends, and the first weekend, in particular, is non-stop games on TV from Thursday morning to Sunday night.

(clip, I mean click, to enlarge)

Let me count

Doing another fun-filled online survey this morning.


Screen #1: "Are you in solo or group practice?"

So I clicked on solo practice, and it moved to screen #2:

"Besides yourself, how many other doctors are in your solo practice group?"

Not hereditary

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Mrs. Olde: "Yes, my Dad was killed by a land mine."

It's covered by the HMO, I guess

She wasn't joking, either.


Mrs. Pain: "When I have the headache on the right side, I have my husband knock me, hard, on the left side of my head."

Dr. Grumpy: "Does that help?"

Mrs. Pain: "Kind of, because when both sides are hurting, I don't notice the right side as much."

Who needs specifics?

Reading another doctor's notes this morning, and I found this gem:

"Impression: High blood pressure. Verapamil isn't helping. I told her to stop it and take something else."

Hmmmm

Like most neurologists, I read EEG's (brainwave tests). Usually the study is accompanied by a note from the tech, listing the reason for the test, the patient's other medical issues, and their medications.

So one of the studies I read tonight had this note attached:

"Has history of seizures. EEG ordered to see if patient is safe to drive. She has diabetes, high blood pressure, and is blind."