Dear Drug Company,

Thank you for running an ad campaign that helps dispel the myth that neurologists are eccentric and have no sense of modern fashion. We REALLY appreciate it.

Lying kid? Thermodynamic fail? All of the above?

Dinner is cooking. It will be ready in 20 minutes.

I walk into the kitchen, and startle Craig. He's standing at the toaster, and I've caught him putting Pop-Tarts in it.

"Craig! What are you doing?!!!"

"I'm, uh, making Pop-Tarts."

"I can see that. Dinner is in 20 minutes. Why are you making a snack?"

"Because..."

"Craig, you know better then to have a snack this close to dinner."

"I'm not! It's, um, for my breakfast tomorrow. I'm toasting them now, so they'll be warm when I get out of bed in the morning."

What the hell?

Dr. Grumpy: "So we'll see how the medication change works. Any other questions?"

Mr. Baker: "Have you tried the Local Grocery cinnamon coffeecake?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I, uh..."

Mr. Baker: "They're HUGE! How do you think they can afford to sell them for only $3.99?"

Dear Fleet Enema Company,

Thank you for your recent press release about a new product. Marketing people are truly an amazing group.

I have absolutely no idea how humanity managed to survive so far without it, but now that it's here, the planet can keep rotating safely. We can all be secure in the knowledge that there's finally an enema available for "elective cleansing", "before or after anal intimacy."

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Thank you to my reader Amy for submitting this.

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

Attention Miss Hogtie, the 3rd grade teacher:

I don't mind treating grown-ups for minor injuries, either.

But when you come to me looking for something you can put on rope burns, that are ONLY around your wrists and ankles, AND which we all know occurred during your recent trip to Vegas with your boyfriend, DON'T try to make up some crap about how you had an accident weeding your backyard. We both know what you REALLY did.

Just take the aloe lotion, and spare me the details.

March Madness starts tomorrow! Lets get snipped!

I'd like to thank my reader Joey for submitting this ad. For my non-American readers, March Madness is the college basketball championship tournament. It's played out over 3 long weekends, and the first weekend, in particular, is non-stop games on TV from Thursday morning to Sunday night.

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Let me count

Doing another fun-filled online survey this morning.


Screen #1: "Are you in solo or group practice?"

So I clicked on solo practice, and it moved to screen #2:

"Besides yourself, how many other doctors are in your solo practice group?"

Not hereditary

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Mrs. Olde: "Yes, my Dad was killed by a land mine."

It's covered by the HMO, I guess

She wasn't joking, either.


Mrs. Pain: "When I have the headache on the right side, I have my husband knock me, hard, on the left side of my head."

Dr. Grumpy: "Does that help?"

Mrs. Pain: "Kind of, because when both sides are hurting, I don't notice the right side as much."

Who needs specifics?

Reading another doctor's notes this morning, and I found this gem:

"Impression: High blood pressure. Verapamil isn't helping. I told her to stop it and take something else."

Hmmmm

Like most neurologists, I read EEG's (brainwave tests). Usually the study is accompanied by a note from the tech, listing the reason for the test, the patient's other medical issues, and their medications.

So one of the studies I read tonight had this note attached:

"Has history of seizures. EEG ordered to see if patient is safe to drive. She has diabetes, high blood pressure, and is blind."

I'm not following this

"It's a new problem, but sort of old. I mean, not new-new, but kind of an oldish new-old. I wouldn't say it's old-new, more new-old than anything else."

When dictation goes bad

This has to be one of the most bizarre dictation/transcription errors I've ever seen. It was in another physician's note. I have no idea what the original phrase could have been.

For my non-medical readers- a C-arm fluoroscopy is a large piece of metal equipment used for radiology procedures.

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Sunday morning, 10:17 a.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Time: "Yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow, and I need to move it to Friday."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hang on..." (turns on iPod) "uh, you're appointment is on Friday, March 19th"

Mr. Time: "Oh. So is that the next Friday, or the following Friday?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It's Friday, March, 19th, 2010. I'll tell you the specific date to keep it clear."

Mr. Time: So when did you move it to Friday? How did you know I'd need to do that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "You must have. We don't do that."

Mr. Time: "Friday is good for me. Would Monday work better for you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Friday is fine. See you then. Have a nice day."