2 tomatoes, pickles, hamburger buns, lettuce, and a dessert

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Oh, hi Dr. G! How ya doin'?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, uh, fine, um, I didn't recognize you when I got in line."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Yeah, I'm workin' at Local Grocery now. Ya got a Shopper's Card?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Here, thanks."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Lemme ring this up. Looks like you're havin' burgers. Paper or plastic?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, I guess. Paper."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Ya know, my back is still killin' me, and it goes down my right leg."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, why don't you call Mary and..."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Some days it goes around into my groin, too. Got any coupons?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No..."

(Lady in line behind me grabs her basket and runs for her life).

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Sometimes it burns, ya know, like I have a rash going down my butt and the leg. That'll be $18.73. Credit or debit?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Credit."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Can you sign here? And then when I look, there's no rash, it just feels that way."

Dr. Grumpy: "You should call Mary tomorrow and..."

Mr. Lumberpain: "Nice seein' ya, doc. Hi, lady. Ya got a Shopper's card?"

Office buffet, part 2

For those of you who survived the dreaded holiday food onslaught, comes the sequel:

The "dump your Superbowl party leftovers in the office break room" buffet.

Featuring: deviled eggs, soggy nachos, hot wings, pizza, a variety of chips, bean dip, spinach dip, artichoke dip, cheese dip, the remains of a vegetable platter, pie, cookies, sliced turkey, mini-wieners, rolls, Miracle Whip, crackers, brownies, 1/4 of a cheese log, swedish meatballs, rolls, a tupperware thing full of barbecued something, and a cookie that the staff calls "Hillbilly Crack".

I'm gonna hit the Protonix samples.

Monday morning, 12:45 a.m.

Tap tap tap

Dr. Grumpy: "Hmmm."

Tap tap tap

Dr. Grumpy: "Mmm... Frank, what do you need?"

Frank: "Dad, can I turn on your lamp? I want to show you something."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's the middle of night. What do you..."

CLICK! AAAAAHHHHH! BRIGHT LIGHT!

Dr. Grumpy: "Holy crap, Frank! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?!!"

Frank: "I gave myself a haircut!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, yes. Why on Earth did you do that?"

Frank: "I couldn't sleep."

Sunday, 1:18 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Pigskin: "Yeah, um, you see my wife for seizures, and she's had 3 today. Big ones, I mean, she bit her tongue a lot, and now I can't get her to wake up. She's breathing and all, but..."

Dr. Grumpy: "That sounds serious. You need to call 911, or take her to ER immediately."

Mr. Pigskin: "Really? Um... Okay..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have them take her to Local Hospital, and I'll see her there, and they have all her records."

Mr. Pigskin: "How long will this take? I mean, the Superbowl is today, and..."

Dr. Grumpy: "This is very serious! You need to get her to ER NOW!"

Mr. Pigskin: "Do they have TV's in the ER there?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes!"

Mr. Pigskin: "What do I tell my buddies? They were gonna come over, and I mean, she's starting to wake up, and oh, she's seizing again."

Dr. Grumpy: "You stay right there. I have your address, and I'm calling 911 now for you."

Mr. Pigskin: "Cool, thanks, doc. That's a lot of help. Hey do you want to come over and watch the game?"

May I take your order?

So last night we went to La Enchilada Grande for dinner.

I ordered the enchilada platter, and perky waitress says "That's a good choice. My dad over there just ordered it, too."

Whatever. Our dinner goes on. A few minutes later I hear a lady across the aisle order a taco salad, and Ms. Perky says "That's a good choice. My dad over there just ordered it, too."

And a few minutes later a new group was seated in the booth behind us. A guy ordered the Grande Chimichanga, and Ms. Perky, of course, says "That's a good choice. My dad over there just ordered it, too."

Now, granted I wasn't really watching where she was pointing with "over there", but I can only come up with 3 options:

1. She's full of shit.

2. Her Dad has a huge appetite.

3. Her mother was remarkably promiscuous, and by an amazing coincidence all of this girl's potential dads felt like Mexican food last night.

My readers write

Patients drive doctors nuts, and doctors drive patients nuts.

But in all of that, sometimes we overlook the stupidity that can surround a visit to the doctor, where neither side is at fault.

So I'd like to think my reader Cheryl for submitting this picture.

Her husband went to see his cardiologist. After the appointment he found that the helpful parking garage staff had filled in a pothole behind his truck, and roped it off.

Food ads you don't see everyday

This was in a "healthy eating" type magazine that showed up in the office one day.

Quotable patients

"I was dizzy, but the pills made me undizzy, and I've been undizzy since."

These are not negotiations

I'm here to try and help you, people. You may not believe that, but it's true.

I'm not ordering the tests for MY benefit. They are so I can figure out what's wrong with you, and fix it.

Personally, I don't give a crap if you don't have them. That's your business. You came to me for my advice, and I'm giving it.

Don't try to negotiate with me on this. They are entirely for your benefit, not mine.

Therefore, comments like the following WILL NOT get you anywhere in Dr. Grumpy's world:

1. "I'll have the brain MRI, but ONLY if you'll waive my co-pay."

2. "Okay, I'll do the CT scan, but you have to pay whatever my insurance won't cover."

3. "If the labs are that important I'll get them, on the condition that you order some for my husband, too, because he's due and doesn't want to see his internist."

4. "You can do the test, but only if the MRI place agrees not to charge for it."

And my personal favorite:

5. "I'll only let you do the tests if you'll double my monthly Percocet."

Hey, who doesn't?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any other medical issues?"

Mr. Medical: "I have blood pressure."

Dr. Grumpy: High or low blood pressure?'

Mr. Medical: "No, just blood pressure."

Thank heavens!

When you're waiting for your 8:00 new patient, and out the window you see 2 cops escorting a HUGE guy in an orange prison jumpsuit, with cuffs on his hands and wrists, into your office building...

It's a great sense of relief to see them take him into someone else's office.

Attention patients!

If your ringtone is a fart, please silence it before entering my office.

If it wasn't your ringtone, and you only said that to cover yourself, please go change your underwear.

Beats my hot tub articles

Mr. Shakes: "Is there anything new out there, doc? I try to keep up on changes in the field."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, what do you read?"

Mr. Shakes: "The obituaries."

Um, I, uh, my answer is...

I was doing an internet medical study this morning. It featured this question:


You are a (please check only one):

A. Neurologist
B. Cardiologist
C. Other medical practitioner
D. Male
E. Female