More from Mr. Lumbar

"Doc, maybe this sounds weird, but when I feel weak, I don't feel very strong. And the opposite is true, too. On days when I'm feeling stronger, I seem less weak."

Thursday patient quote

Mr. Lumbar: "I have Percocet, but I use it sparingly. I don't like narcotics, so I don't want to get used to taking them."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you take anything regularly for the pain?"

Mr. Lumbar: "Vicodin, 3 or 4 times a day."

Thursday morning, 2:05 a.m.

My cell phone wakes me. I recognize the number. Not a good sign.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Mr. Clueless: "Yeah, my wife took her pills at bedtime tonight."

Dr. Grumpy: "She's supposed to."

Mrs. Notas-Clueless (in background): "I told you not to bother him!"

Mr. Clueless: "Well, we normally go to bed at 11:00. So tonight we went to bed at 11:15. Was it still safe to take them?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Mrs. Notas-Clueless (in background): "I told you so!"

Dr. Grumpy: "She's been doing this for years. Why are you calling now?"

Mr. Clueless: "I'd never read the bottle before, and just happened to notice it said that when I woke up to pee."

Wednesday Afternoon Freakshow

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have any other medical issues?'

Mrs. Rudeandcreepy: "I have special powers."

Dr. Grumpy: "Excuse me?"

Mrs. Rudeandcreepy: "I have special psychic powers. I can read minds. I'm very good at it."

My inner voice: "Lady, if you were that good at reading minds, you'd have walked out of here 5 minutes ago."

Things that make me grumpy

Wallpapering.

I like most of my drug reps. I've said that before. But some of them drive me nuts. (If you are one of my reps who reads this, don't worry, It's none of you).

Drug reps often bring "patient education materials". Most of these are just trash, and I either refuse or toss them. They consist of thinly veiled ads in booklets that have a smattering of info about a disease and lots of big glossy "ask your doctor because you'll feel SO MUCH better on our product" ads.

Sometimes they actually bring in a very useful booklet, with info about the disease and fairly neutral information about treatments, with only a drug company logo on the back cover. I screen these, but if they're good ones I appreciate them and often give them to patients.

Any info that patients get in my office should come through me, NOT directly from a drug rep. So I don't allow booklets of ANY kind to be out in the lobby without me screening them first.

Most reps are fine with this. But a few aren't. And they engage in a thoroughly annoying practice called wallpapering. And it REALLY pisses me off.

Wallpapering is when they put pamphlets out in my lobby that are blatant "You should take Flatula, instead of Obecalp, because our drug is SO much better for you. Ask your doctor. NOW!" They are just ads, often hard sell. Sometimes with a big coupon for a free trial. My patients don't need that crap. And neither do I. And putting them out in the lobby makes it look like I've endorsed this product.

So I don't allow this, and if my staff sees it they tell them to stop. So some wallpaperers have taken it a step further. They actually keep track of when the front office staff are most likely to be in back for a coffee break, or know when the lunch hour is (when nobody is up front). So they come in then, quickly wallpaper the lobby with booklets, and then run off.

Sometimes we notice this when we get back. But they're good at putting them behind a plant, or under a magazine, or some other place where they won't be noticed from the front desk. So once or twice a week I do a sweep through the lobby looking for these things.

And we know exactly who the reps are who do it. I mean, you guys come by pushing this stuff regularly, and leave your cards, so we know who sells what. And when we ask them about it, they always deny it, "Huh! How did the Fukitol booklet get inserted between the pages of every National Geographic issue in your lobby?"

We ain't that stupid. If you have to leave these somewhere, just save us the trouble and use the recycling bin.

That's kind of personal

One of my MS patients is trying to have kids, and is seeing a fertility specialist.

I get notes all the time from other docs asking me for neurological clearance to do some procedure (colonoscopy, hysterectomy, face lift, whatever) on my patients. So I write out an "okay from neurology view to do whatever you want with them, have fun" note.

The request on my MS patient, though, could have been worded better. It said:

"Cindy is going to do a procedure that may result in her becoming pregnant. Please write a note that it is okay for her to do this."


Sheesh! If I have to write a clearance note every time one of my patients does something "that may result in her becoming pregnant" I'm going to have a really sore hand (from writing the notes, I mean) and will likely run out of pens when a patient goes on her honeymoon.

Whatever

Mr. Behind: "At the hospital they told me I had a hemorrhoidic stroke."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean hemorrhagic stroke?"

Mr. Behind: "Something like that."

Scrubs Catalog- Part 3

This picture from the scrubs catalog supposedly shows a NEUROLOGIST! I swear. Read his white coat.




Mrs. Grumpy pointed out, and I agree with her, that any medical person can clearly see this isn't a neurologist:

1. He's handsome and studly. We aren't. We are the geeks of medicine. Most people see a neurologist coming, and immediately react with, "Hey is that really a doctor? Hide the children! Call security!"

2. He's clean shaven. Most male neurologists have mastered the perpetual 5:00 shadow look.

3. He's wearing a stethoscope, for Pete's sake. Most of us have one, but it's somewhere in the black bag of pins, hammers, tuning forks, ophthalmoscopes, and other crap we carry around.

4. His shoulders are at equal heights. Usually one is lower from years of carrying the black bag full of crap (see #3, above) everywhere.

5. His tie is done properly. Many male neurologists don't wear them because we've forgotten how to tie them. Those who do wear them usually have botched knots, partially undone, and hanging to one side.

6. Aside from the tie, he's nicely dressed (granted, he could be pantless under the white coat). Except for the neuros at major academic centers (and I think those places dress their docs), most male neurologists have absolutely NO fashion sense. We may understand the complexities of the brain, but have no fucking clue what colors match. And Mrs. Grumpy will tell you it shows. I'm often greeted home at night with "OMG! You wore THAT to work?!!"

Scrubs Catalog- Part 2

Here's a scrubs catalog picture of a nurse, happily demonstrating the inside pockets of her white coat.

How do we know she's not a real nurse?

1. The coat is spotless.

2. Very few nurses wear these white coats anymore.

3. Only people in training carry books in their pockets. A real nurse's pockets have tape, scissors, hemostats, pens, a granola bar, a "buy 500 get 1 free" Starbucks punchcard, and a hospital ID.

Another point: Although I don't know what Nurse K looks like, this could be a picture of her, taken at the critical moment when she's tired of putting up with a drunk patient's shit and is smilingly drawing her Taser.

OMG!

Miss Boobshow, when I asked you to take off your jacket so I could check your blood pressure, I didn't expect you to whip it off so quickly.

Likewise, I'd have appreciated it if you'd told me in advance that you weren't wearing a shirt, bra, or anything else under it. I would have tried it through the sleeve if I'd known.

The older gentleman that was passing in the office hallway on his way to Dr. Pissy's exam room, however, was very grateful for your actions. He just had cataract surgery last month, and is glad it went so well.

Nice dragon tattoo.

Scrubs Catalog- Part 1

Over the weekend I received a catalog from a scrubs company.

Clothing catalogs are always an oddity, at least to me. Let's face it. The people in them appear creepily happy. In most cases they show people relaxing, so they should be happy. But in the scrubs catalog this is what they wear to work. If you look that happy at work, then your Prozac dose is way too high.

But I digress.

In my area there are 5 Dr. Kumar's, all from India or Sri Lanka. They're all good guys. And none of them look anything like this Dr. Kumar.





BUT, in the very same catalog, just a few pages later, we find Beachboy McStud again, but now he's Dr. Ruckman (which, I know, is almost an anagram of Kumar).





Mrs. Grumpy commented that she'd rather see what he looks like with the scrub top off. And regardless of his name, if he's been marked down to $7.99 she'll take five.

Sunday morning, 8:45 a.m.

"Yeah, I'm a patient of Dr. Cortex, and his answering service told me to call you. I have migraines and am all out of pills and need something strong, like Demerol or Percocet or one of those other drugs, the really strong ones. I need some pain relief fast, because I have football tickets, and want to enjoy the game, and if I don't get some pain meds the tickets will be wasted and it will be all your fault and I'm going to complain to the medical board and bill you for the money lost on the tickets."

Sunday morning, 6:55 a.m.

"Hello? Is someone there? I was referred to Dr. Grumpy, and need to make an appointment for my husband. He had a stroke, the neurological kind, and it was in his brain, like on the right side, or maybe the left, or somewhere else. But he had one, and it was somewhere in his body, and he needs to see Dr. Grumpy. Do you have Sunday appointments? My chiropractor does, so I thought other doctors might, so maybe we could get in today. Thank you."

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Following a link kindly sent to me by Sunflower, R.N., I discovered this amazing gadget FOR FREE!




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U.S.S. John F. Kennedy


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This amazing offer is not available in stores or on Craig's list. To receive this once-in-a-lifetime giveaway, see below.

From Naval Sea Systems Command Office of Corporate Communications

WASHINGTON (NNS) -- The Department of the Navy has advertised the availability of ex-John F. Kennedy (CV 67), located at the Navy's Inactive Ships Maintenance Office, Philadelphia, Pa. for donation as a museum/memorial under the authority of Title 10 U.S.C. Section § 7306.

Eligible recipients may include any State, Commonwealth, or possession of the United States or any municipal corporation or political subdivision thereof; the District of Columbia; or any organization incorporated as a nonprofit entity (under Section 501 of the Internal Revenue Code).

According to the Federal Register notice, the deadline for submission of Phase I documentation, a Letter of Intent and an Executive Summary, is Jan. 22, 2010.

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