Whatever

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have any other medical issues?"

Mrs Barph: "I vomit every afternoon at 3:05 p.m. This started in 1987 and I haven't missed a day since."

I Bet the Cops Love You

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, why did you call 911?"

Mr. Bozo: "I forgot my doctor's phone number, and thought maybe they would know it, and could call him for me to make an appointment. I need to see him."

More Fun Junkie Quotes

These guys just make a weekend on call so entertaining.


"I've been using crack since I was 18, and I'm 27 now. I mean, that's almost 7 years I've been doing this stuff. I've spent 2 years in jail for it. I've been in and out of every rehab program in town. I've never had a real job, and still live with my parents. It's time for me to turn my life around, and I'm going to start by being honest and telling my parents about my habit. I've been able to hide it from them, but It's time they know I've got a problem."


Dude, if your parents haven't figured that out yet, they're probably on it, too. Also, your math sucks.

Lifestyle Changes

Yesterday I admitted a lady in her 50's who had a stroke. So I'm rounding on her this morning.

Mrs. LDL: "Doctor, I'm changing my whole life right now! I'm going to start being healthy. For many years I've always had a cheese omelet for breakfast. So, today, when they took patient breakfast orders, I realized I had to start doing things differently."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good for you! What did you order?"

Mrs. LDL: "A vegetable omelet, with cheese."

Tis The Catalog Season

With the pentuplet of seasonal holidays approaching (Hanukkah, Festivus, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Solstice), my home mailbox is full of catalogs selling all kinds of things that these people apparently feel my family and friends can't live without.

Since so many of my patients call my office asking if we have any gift ideas (NO! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKING IDEA WHY THEY CALL ME!!!) I figure many of you are dying to do the same (Dr. Grumpy merchandise is always nice).

So I've personally combed through these many catalogs to help you, my loyal readers, find some of the most useful gifts out there, and will present them over the next few weeks.

Today I'm going to kick off the list with this tasteful item:



Yes, it's a shower soap dispenser (comes with green gel soap! Wow!) that dispenses soap out of it's nostrils. I suppose next year they'll have one that makes a sneezing noise when you squeeze it.

I'd order one for that special coworker who continuously complains about allergies and leaves wadded-up Kleenex all over the office.

Public Service Announcement

Attention ladies:

It is NOT, generally speaking, normal for you to be woken at night by your guy shaking the bed violently, turning blue, and peeing on the sheets. If he does this, and hasn't done it before, he needs medical attention.

You also should not allow this to go on for several nights in a row, and then call his mother to see if she can help you wash all the bedsheets, and (when she asks you why), let her be the one to make the CORRECT decision that he should go to ER.

It is also not cool that you sent him in by himself, so you could stay home and catch up on washing sheets. Your description of the events is usually helpful to those of us in the "med-biz".

Thank you.

Live! From ER! It's Dr. Grumpy!

I'm on call.

While rounding, I was paged overhead to come down to ER for a stroke that had just arrived. Guy who can't move his right side.

So I'm sitting here in ER, watching him from the nurses' station, waiting for my turn to go in. Nurses are hooking him up to stuff, techs in there drawing blood, an EMT going over info with another nurse.

In the middle of this all the patient is lying there, calmly texting with his left hand.

Starting and Ending With a Survey

Well, just as my day began with a strange marketing survey question, apparently it's going to end that way. I'm doing one tonight over the internet, and this question came up:

"When managing a male or female MS patient who wishes to become pregnant, what action do you typically take with their current MS medication?"

You Must Live REALLY Far Away

"I only get migraines when there's a full moon. In my neighborhood I think that's around once a week we have one."

Okay, Let Me Get A Blindfold

I did an online marketing study this morning, in which I was looking at various ad concepts to see which parts of the ads interest, and don't interest, doctors.

So at one point I came to these instructions:

"On the following screen, we'd like to know which parts of the picture did not get your attention. Please click only on those parts of the image that you don't look at."

Homecoming

I pull into the driveway, and walk down to the mail box to get the bills & junk. The neighbor family is out putting up some Christmas lights. Mr. Neighbor comes over to chat for a minute.

Suddenly, my front door flies open. Frank comes out, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Frank: "DAAAAD!!! THE FRONT HALL TOILET BACKED UP ON ME 'CAUSE I USED TOO MUCH PAPER AND NOW THERE'S POOP ON THE FLOOR AND SOME STILL IN THE TOILET AND PAPER EVERYWHERE AND IT SMELLS BAD AND THE TOILET KEEPS RUNNING AND..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Frank, calm down. Why didn't you tell Mom as soon as this happened?"

Frank: "I did. She told me to wait and tell you as soon as you got home."


Mr. Neighbor doubled over laughing. Perhaps for the first time he was glad to have teenagers.

Just Say No

Things are tough all over. Occasionally I get patients asking me if I'll forgive their appointment co-pay. Usually I can't, because most insurance contracts forbid it, and because I'm trying to stay afloat, too.

So today I had a lady tell me she can't afford her $25 visit co-pay, and could I PLEASE write it off? She used the "I need the money more than you do" line.

I know she has legitimate financial hardships, but I refused.

Why?

Do I need the $25 that badly?

I did it because she smokes 2 packs a day. And ADAMANTLY refuses to quit.

Let's look at this:

The average price of a pack of cigarettes in the U.S. right now is $5. This varies by brand & your state taxes, and whether you buy them by the pack or case. But roughly $5 a pack.

So for her, that's $10/day. Or $300/month. Or $3600/year.

I told her that. If she quits smoking, that would be like her getting a $3600 annual raise, without any additional taxes. Ignore the health benefits, just look at the money alone.

All that money for making one life change. That would help her financial situation A LOT. It's a hell of a lot more money than making a $25 co-pay once or twice a year.

She got pissed off and left. Told me that I "don't understand".

She's right. I don't.

For an excellent post on drug co-pays from the pharmacy view, check out this one from The Angry Pharmacist.

Now THAT'S Exciting!!!

From a fax on my machine this morning:


"Our company is looking for males over age 25 who do their own shopping. We're doing a very exciting market research study on the following topic:

PACKAGED SALAD

We think you'll find the discussion to be exciting and enjoyable, and will reimburse you for your time. Please contact us today, as spots will go fast!"

Edgar Allan Poe

Generally, I try not to copy things from other blogs.

But sometimes I MUST make an exception when I see something so good, so clever, that I want to share it and say LOOK AT THIS! IT'S FREAKING AWESOME!!!

And when I do that, I make sure I properly credit it.

Maybe it's because I'm a literature buff, and took too many of those classes in college. Edgar Allan Poe is featured in most of them, and his most famous work is The Raven.

So on reading other blogs today, I found this excellent post written by Maha. She's an ER nurse who writes Call Bells Make Me Nervous. Check her site out. And Maha, please forgive me, but I just had to share your remarkable piece of writing.

So, without further ado, I present Maha's satire on The Raven. It's called The Drunkard.

Had Edgar Allan Poe Been an Emergency Nurse…

The Drunkard

by Maha

Once upon a midnight dreary, while my back ached, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious patient at the triage door.
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone rudely rapping, rapping at my triage door.
"'Tis no drunkard," I muttered, "tapping at my triage door--
A well man and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember the bloody night before November,
And each and every staff member had brought a patient to the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow,
From my books of assessments thorough –to avoid the cookies from days of yore
And drink my latte from so long before.

But the stinkin’ sad uncertain shuffling of a drunkard’s gait that’s struggling
Thrilled me – filled me with supreme annoyance, never felt before.
So that now to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
“Tis no drunkard entreating entrance at my triage door –
Some late UTI-er entreating entrance at my triage door;
This is it, give Toradol galore”.

Towards the patient I finally headed, hope for sleep completely shredded,
“What,” barked I, “please don’t have a complaint I’ll deplore,
But the fact is I was napping and so intently you were tapping,
And so rudely you came slurring, ranting at my triage door”.
And without regard or thinking, he barfed upon my triage door,
Chunky vomit and lots more.

Then, of course, the air grew denser, thanks to the obscene Spencer,
A man now pickled, whose foot-falls dragged in the department’s floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “why did God bring thee – by the devil he hath sent thee
Respite – respite and Valium please for thy abnormal CIWA score
Why, oh why this loud decree of your drunken presence on my door?!”
Screamed the drunkard, “I barfed some more”.

"Spencer!" said I, "this stench is evil!--Spencer this is the needle’s bevel,
Whether taxi sent, or whether ill-fate tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, in this department un-enchanted,
In this hallway by Horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore--
Is there--is there calm from Gravol?--tell me--tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the drunkard, "I need lots more."

"Spencer!" said I, “more upheavals? - Spencer still, if man or devil!
By the score of twenty and eleven – by the Valium we both adore –
Tell this nurse with sorrow laden, who to call? Perhaps thy maiden?
Please, oh please, I beg thee, use the bucket on the floor.”
Quoth the drunkard, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, man or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting.
"Get thee out of the department and save my night from being abhorred!
Leave no chunks of vomit as a token for my tolerance thou hast broken!
Leave here with this train token! – Quit the bed and leave the main floor!
Take thy stench as you depart, and take thy form from out the door!”
The drunkard started to loudly snore.

And the drunkard, unremitting, still is snoring, still is snoring
On the pallid stretcher mere inches from the door;
And his socks have all the seeming of a mold that is steaming
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my break retreating into shadows that was planned for four,
Shall be taken – nevermore!