Dumb and Dumber

I have a nice young lady in my practice who, as far as I can tell, has only made one major mistake in life. She fell in love with, married, and had kids with Mr. Dumb. He later decided he'd rather be a crackhead, and dumped his family in favor of the excitement of living on the street and smoking crack.

So Miss Nicelady heroically soldiers on, dealing with single Mom stuff. She was awarded child support from Mr. Dumb. Unfortunately, this only gets withheld from his paycheck on the rare occasion he's actually working. So it amounts to $20-$30 once every few months, when he finds temporary work as a dishwasher.

So at her appointment today I asked her how things were going. She paused, and then began laughing.

2 months ago she suddenly began getting steady money from his child support withholding- $100 or so every 2 weeks. She was thrilled, and didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Until one night, some guy she'd never heard of called to see why she was stealing HIS money!

And so the story played out. Get this, Grumpyites:

Mr. Dumb, trying to get crack money, sold his identity (Social Security Card, Driver's License, etc) to Mr. Dumber for $50.

Mr. Dumber, now hiding under Mr. Dumb's ID, went off and got a job.

And so, when Mr. Dumber began getting paychecks, his salary was withheld and sent to my patient!

Basically, Mr. Dumber paid $50 in order to have $200 a month withheld from his paychecks. How inconsiderate of Mr. Dumb not to have mentioned these minor details to his purchaser.

In addition, Mr. Dumber was also angry at my patient (like it's her fault) because he got pulled over one day, and discovered Mr. Dumb's license was suspended 2 years ago.

Miss Nicelady told me the best part of the whole thing was when Mr. Dumber told her he was going to call the police on her.

Great Job Titles

Alright folks, I'm seeing a Workers Comp case here. Her documents from the state list her occupation as a "data and document extractor".

This is a job I've never heard of, so I asked her what she does. And she said:

"I work in the mail room. My job is to open up all the envelopes, and give the letters to the sorting people."

So that's what a "data and document extractor" does. Now you know.

It's 3:28 a.m. Do You Know Where Your Neurologist Is?

He's at the 24-hour Wall-to-Wall-Mart, buying a boatload of decongestants for the stuffy nose that's kept him up all night.

And the cashier is a girl with a shaved head, different colored eyes, and a surgically forked tongue.

She's wearing a T-shirt that says "Eat Corpses Now!"

Attached to the T-shirt is a big blue Wall-to-Wall-Mart "How can I help you?" button.

He has an Appointment in..... the Twilight Zone

A guy comes in today, signs in, and sits down in the waiting room. Mary, my secretary, checks the sheet and comes back to me. He doesn't have an appointment today. How do I want her to handle this?

So she starts talking to him. He insists he has an appointment today, and to prove it he pulls out an appointment card. On a crumpled card, in Mary's handwriting, it says "Next appointment: May 27, 2008"

So Mary checks the schedule. Sure enough, he had an appointment on that day. Which, of course, he no-showed. And hasn't been here since.

So we tell him he's a year late for his appointment (which is a record for my practice), and offer to reschedule him (we're swamped today).

So what does he do? He gets pissed off (in front of my full waiting room) that we won't see him today.

Nice Shirt

My 10:00 today is wearing a T-shirt that says "If It Weren't for the Gutter, My Mind Would be Homeless".

That's great.

That's Just Stupid

I was in the doghouse because Mrs. Grumpy asked me to hit an ATM while I was out over the weekend, and I forgot. It slipped my mind today, too, but she e-mailed me since she knows I'm a ditz.

So I pulled into a drive-thru ATM on the way home. New machine type, never seen it before. While I was doing my transaction it kept whistling and beeping at me.

While removing enough Grumpy cash to keep me from being banished to the couch, I noticed this sign over the cash-slot.

"This machine has been equipped to provide audio cues for our visually impaired customers".

If you are too "visually impaired" to operate an ATM without assistance, than WHAT THE F--K ARE YOU DOING DRIVING A CAR!!!

It was a 3 Day Weekend, Wadda Ya Want?

I'm listening to iTunes on my computer. It's randomly picking songs while I review charts on today's victims (uh, I mean patients).

It's been 20 years, maybe more, since I last saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show (yes, folks, in my younger days I was a Feature Creature). Anyway, at some point the computer picked the movie soundtrack, and began playing it.

And it dug up my old memories. So, without thinking, I began yelling out the old responses, just like I did at the movie.

I didn't even realize what I was doing until I looked up to see my staff were all standing in my office doorway, trying to figure out if they should call a neurologist, or psychiatrist, or Dr. Kevorkian.

Leave me alone. It was a 3 day weekend, and I need another Diet Coke.

Thank You, Whoever You Are (If You Know)

I'm drinking my breakfast Diet Coke and staring at the screen, wondering if I should make an entry for today. Or, in honor of Memorial day, should I just re-run my VFW post?

Of course, never fear, my patients won't let me down. My cell phone rings, and someone out there just left this voice mail:

"Dr Grumpy! I need your help! Someone's been wearing my socks and stretching them out! Please call me!"

And of course, no name or phone number was left.

Nine Minutes After Midnight

My cell phone rings at 12:09 a.m. on this Sunday morning, waking me from a dead sleep. I recognize the caller ID number, which is a bad sign already. It's Mr. Bozohusband. He and his wife are notorious for pointless phone calls.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Mr. Bozohusband: "Hi, I have a question about my wife's medications."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Mr. Bozohusband: "She had dental surgery 2 days ago, and the dentist gave her Vicodin. Is it safe for her to take?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hasn't she taken Vicodin for years for her back pain? She's never had any problems with it before."

Mr. Bozohusband: "No, she hasn't. But this is for her dental surgery, not her back pain."

Family Fun

Part of taking a patient's story down is getting a family history. This is often skipped by docs in a hurry, but can be quite helpful in looking for the odd genetic disorder. So I still try to do it on each new patient.

Sometimes, though, you can get some mighty weird answers. So, to help you enjoy the 3 day weekend, here are a few from my archives.

"My mom had diabetes, but only when she was alive."

"Both my grandmothers got menopause. My mom may have it, too."

Dr Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"
Mr. Bozo: "No, but my Dad was a Lieutenant".

"My mom died of liver cirrhosis. Nobody knows how she got it, because she never smoked a day in her life."

"My brother has diabetes. I think it's gestational diabetes."

"My mom is 80 and healthy as a horse, except for her lung cancer."

"My grandparents were from Norway, or maybe Germany, or it could have been England. You know, one of those Russian countries."

"My parents are both fine, but my goldfish has been sick."

"My father died of uterine cancer".

"Family illnesses? Hell, Doc, I don't even know my Mom's last name anymore. She changes it all the fucking time".

Nice to Meet You, Mom

My 11:00 was a migraine patient who refuses to take medications, or Botox, or do anything else I have to offer for her migraines. Fine, that's her decision.

Yet, she keeps coming back to me to complain about them!

So today she brought her mother to the appointment. After reviewing (yet again) all the commonly used migraine treatments, the patient again refused them.

So then Mom starts yelling at me! "You are incompetent! You are a fool! You should be able to fix my beautiful daughter's migraines! I see her suffering every day!"

When I pointed out that I'd offered several treatments for migraines, and her daughter had refused all of them, she got even angrier! "That has nothing to do with why she is suffering! You are trying to change the subject!"

Then they both got up and walked out. Mom said she's going to take beautiful daughter to see "a real doctor!".

Does Anyone Else Think This is Weird?

For the record, I'm not in Cincinnati. In fact I'm nowhere near it. I am easily one LONG day's drive from there, maybe more. Keep this in mind. I have nothing against Cincinnati, or anyone living there, but I am not even close to the place. I've never been there.

So today, for no apparent reason, a guy (not even a patient) calls my office. Because of his yelling at my secretary I decided to set down my Diet Coke, get on the phone, and deal with him myself (most docs hide from confrontation- when I'm in the right mood I'll go looking for it).

Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"

Mr. Jackass: "I want to talk to the doctor NOW!"

Dr. Grumpy: "This is the doctor."

Mr. Jackass: "I need to know which hospitals are certified stroke centers!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, there's St. Hubbins, Pain Mountain, House of God..."

Mr. Jackass: "NO! Not here you idiot! I mean in CINCINNATI!!! I need to know the hospitals in Cincinati that are stroke certified!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Jeez, uh, I have no idea. I mean, I've never been to Cincinnati. I have no idea what hospitals are there at all."

Mr. Jackass: "You're a f--k--g neurologist's office, aren't you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, but we're nowhere near Cincinnati."

Mr. Jackass: "So what! You should know this shit! It should be part of your damn training!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Look..."

Mr. Jackass: "You are absolutely NO help to me." (hangs up).


The sonuvabitch. He beat me to the hang up, too.

I'm Cruising with Stupid

A patient and I were chatting while I filled out some forms for him. Usually he and his wife go cruising a few times a year, though he's never been to Alaska. So I asked if they're going this Summer.

His response (and he was serious):

"No. They only have the real good deals early on. I don't want to go before tourist season starts because I don't think they put the glaciers out until June".

Marital Strife

Live! from Dr. Grumpy's office! In real time!

As I am typing this (they think I'm working on the chart) the couple across from me is actually fighting- and I mean swearing, cursing, and yelling at each other- over WHICH OF THEM DRINKS THE MOST WATER EACH DAY!!!