Monday, May 11, 2020

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the news that shapes your world.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA



A tanker truck carrying several thousand gallons of red wine was going down the freeway when another driver signaled the truck's operator to pull over. The truck driver did so, concerned there was a mechanical problem with his vehicle.

When he stopped, the other driver climbed out of his car. This fellow, clad only in underwear and a face mask, ran over to try and get into the truck's passenger cab.

The truck driver started to pull away, but underwear man ran alongside the truck and jumped on.

As the truck sped down the freeway, underwear man climbed under its frame until he reached the tank's main valve. Hanging there, in a position the CHP described as "like making a snow angel," he unscrewed the covering. Red wine began pouring out. He stuck his head into the stream and began chugging the vino in a "drinking from the fire hose" moment.

The driver, alerted by a gauge showing him the tank was losing fluid, pulled over and called 911.

Roughly 1000 gallons, enough to fill 5000 bottles, of red wine was lost. How much ended up on the freeway and how much was in underwear man is unclear.

The almost-naked suspect attempted to flee on foot, but was caught by police.

A highway patrol spokesman said "I've listened to thousands and thousands of calls. This one's up there in the top 10."



DATELINE: CONNECTICUT




Mr. Jason Daddario was thrown out of a McDonald's for refusing to wear a face mask. Upon leaving he threw a rock at the building, breaking a window.

He then went to a nearby Walmart and stole several pairs of womens underwear.

He surrendered when he encountered a police dog.

It's unclear if he was planning to use the underwear as a mask to obtain a Big Mac, or if he was simply going to eat them instead.



DATELINE: LOUISIANA





Police in Walker, Louisiana, are on the lookout for "an aggressive chicken" that's been terrorizing people trying to use a bank's ATM and drive-thru.

Per the report, the culprit has attacked & chased customers, tried to enter cars, and "failed to engage in proper social distancing.”

The suspect is described as being reddish-tan in color, roughly 18 inches tall, and weighing between 6 and 8 pounds. It's wanted on charges of “assault, attempted battery, attempted burglary, terrorizing, and ignoring an order of the Governor."

To date, in spite of patrols, the chicken has not been caught after repeatedly fleeing on foot. Police warned that “given the chicken’s history of aggressive behavior, the public is urged to avoid confronting the fowl and to instead, contact Walker Police if seen.”

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

The underwear was definitely going to be a mask. Have you seen the pictures of men in Asia wearing women's thongs as masks? It's hilarious.

Anonymous said...

“ up there in the top 10." — what are the other 9???

Packer said...

In vino veritas

Anonymous said...

Soak the underwear in red wine and use it to catch the chicken.

G. Stockton Powell said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnBlst3T7bY

The Hamburglar said...

Well, this sucks, especially after McDonald's gave me shit all those years for WEARING a mask. Grimace always said that they were prejudiced against him because he was purple, and I never believed him. But this double standard is making me reconsider.

Anonymous said...

But the joke's on the underwear man, because he was hoping for pinot noir and got malbec instead.

Anonymous said...

Two-truck Chuck.

Sanity Lost said...

不不不不不不不

Anonymous said...

Fried chicken is pretty popular in my part of Louisiana, and I'm told aggressive fowl are particularly tasty. Maybe the Walker Police Department are a bunch of chickens for not dealing with this bird.

 
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