Monday, October 1, 2018


Frank is a college freshman this year, living in a dorm. Yes, you read that correctly.

So last Thursday I'm having a typically busy day of seeing patients when a text from him crosses the top of my screen.

Frank: Dad, I need to talk to you right now. There's a big problem here.

Dr. Grumpy: I'm with a patient right now. Can it wait 15 minutes?

Frank: Yes, but hurry.

After I finished my appointment with Mrs. Freenbeen, I called Frank.

Frank: "Um, hello? Who is this?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It's Dad. You told me to call you."

Frank: "Oh, that's weird. My phone said it was a call from a doctor's office. Are you sick?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm a doctor. I work here. What's up?"

Frank: "Oh, yeah. We have an emergency. Can you, like, go to the store after work and buy, like A LOT of ant bait traps and ship them to me overnight?"

Dr. Grumpy: "What's going on?"

Frank: "Me and Mike's dorm room is, like, FULL of ants. They're everywhere."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm pretty sure you can buy bug poison at the Target across the street from you."

Frank: "Yeah, but then I'd have to pay for it."


Dr. Grumpy: "Why don't you let the building people know about this? They can have your room sprayed."

Frank: "Mike said he'd do that... Hey, Mike, did you talk to the RA about the ants?"

(mumbling in background)

Frank: "Never mind, Dad. Mike says the RA told him they'd have it sprayed later today. Hey, why do you think we have all these ants?"

Dr. Grumpy: "When was the last time you guys took out the garbage?"

Frank: "Um... I don't think we have. But, like, we only moved in on what, August 27th? How often should we be taking it out?"

That was a month ago. WTF.

Dr. Grumpy: "I'd say at least every week, if not more."

Frank: "That's stupid. There's still plenty of room under our beds for stuff. We moved the empty fast food and pizza boxes all under Mike's bed last week, after we put the dirty cafeteria dishes and forks in the bathroom sink."


Dr. Grumpy: "Those things are what are attracting the ants!"

Frank: "Really? Why would they want that stuff?"


Mark In Mayenne said...

Funniest thing I've read in ages

jimbo26 said...

Lol , a *freshman`s* logic . ;-)

Susan in Dallas said...

Yes, why would they want that pizza? Everyone knows ants like veggies and there weren't any on this pie! Nice of Frank for the gift of a ready-made blog post! LOL

clairesmum said...

The stupidity of a group of testosterone laden adolescent males living in a group is impressive. Just think what that first bag of dirty laundry that he brings home with him is gonna smell like!

RC said...

This is such a funny post. From "are you sick" to "why would they want that stuff". LOL

bobbie said...

But how is Frank's hair??? Inquiring minds want to know...

Ms. Donna said...

Dr. G, I just fell out of my chair laughing.

Packer said...

I work in a Doctors Office
Wow what do you do there.

Laughing so loud at the minds eye picture of this entire scene

Anonymous said...

Uh, oh. I think it's ant mating season, or whatever it is with those queens.

I found a trail of tiny ones busily lining up past the sink last week. (And, yes, my significant other inquired as to how often dishes were being washed, or whether the watermelon had been left out on the counter overnight.) Last night I knew that the countertops had been properly disinfected but it was a fascinating show behind the faucets, almost a frenzy of activity, as those ants chased each other back and forth. I don't know where they went, but they weren't there this morning.

But, there's other fish to fry. The 46-year old refrigerator defrost cycle is stuck on 'warming' and no circulating fan, so I've had to hurry up and make the peach pie, pear tart, and pawpaw bread from frozen fruit saved for Thanksgiving when there might be visitors, and the sweet potatoes last night were baked with plums and cinnamon and strawberries. We've had to eat shrimp three times today. I am so sick of fried shrimp.

Hilarious doings. Hard to believe Frank is a freshman, though. But, Dr. G. It's only ants! Ants, schmantz! Please, do NOT tell us about cockroaches. Just, please, no! Not that. Maybe the ants can be a lead-in to avoid that.

Anonymous said...

Your kids must have led real sheltered lives! Where I grew up, ants would carry away unattended babies.

Avicile Mohaili said...

Frank is me. "When I set food on the floor in my parents' [super clean] house I never got ants how come I have them in my apartment when I do that?"

Antibubba said...

You should fumigate him before he enters your house again.

ndenunz said...

Perhaps he should change his major to Entomology.

Lizard said...

this reminds me of the coming home from camp story..... the bath tub picture....

squarely in the "things you didn't think you had to teach someone" department. Food attracts ants. Yes.

Moose said...

Who takes out the garbage at your house? Don't kids today do chores anymore?

Jeez, Grumpypants, I know I"m being a grouchy and rude old bat, but how spoiled are these kids?

This isn't like friends of mine who went to move into their dorm room and found live roaches everywhere. The story goes that every day for three days, housing insisted that exterminators would be there the next morning. Finally the friends bagged up some of the roaches and took them to the head of housing, saying, "We're not paying for extra roommates." The exterminators were there the next the morning.

SwanSpirit said...

If he gets a PayPal card, you can send him money in a minute, or less, that he can spend using the card, immediately.

From a mother of three grown children; and sibling of a high functioning disabled sister. I had to set hers up for her, but now I can put money on her card, and she can use it like any other debit card.of

Va_ghost said...

For the good Doctor - it might get better. Just wait until you go back and visit for a weekend or pick him up and you see his fellow DormMates look at you and assume THIS GUY raised these guys who take their trash out once a month (laundry once a month, clean the bathroom once a year, if they continue their slide into FREEDOM! {tm}) - the looks alone should be something.

Anonymous said...

You sure college is the right place for him? Maybe a trade school would work out better for him.
I know they do not teach common sense at those colleges.

Anonymous said...


Zubat said...

Your son forgot that you're a doctor?

Sounds like it might not be safe to have him living in a dorm. He'd be better off someplace a little more his speed, like a soft room with no sharp corners and all the electrical outlets covered. Give him some plush toys to play with, and a set of Duplo, and maybe some crayons if you have somebody who can supervise to make sure he doesn't eat them.

gloriap said...

Maybe Frank should have had a gap year. Or two. To learn Life Skills? Who calls his father from college to ask for express delivery of ant traps? Is his brother still skipping school to make Icee runs? Are you and Skool Nurse really committed to having your kids learn by experience? How is that working for you? (I must have been the Strict Parent from Hell.)

I love your blog but OMG.

Anonymous said...

My favorite “then I’d have to pay for it.”

Ms. Donna said...

It took a while, but I have the perfect Christmas/Hanukkah gift for Sir Frank of the Perfect Hair. Or Dr. G's holiday list.

Drum roll, please.

An Ant Farm.

MexiRN said...

I think the best part was that you were calling from a Doctor's office!!!

Dr.M said...

I'm a little concerned about your child's ability to live on his own....

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