Friday, May 17, 2013

Artisanal, or whatever

In case you live under a rock, the BEST news story of the week didn't involve murder (unless you consider a reputation), terrorist attacks (unless you consider an undercooked pizza as such), or hurricanes (except for one named Amy).

It involved the bizarre online meltdown of a restaurant in Scottsdale, Arizona called Amy's Baking Company. This place was featured on Gordon Ramsay's cooking show, and became the first place he was ever entirely unable to help, and actually walked out on. If that was the whole story it would be forgotten by now.

What made it much better than anything else, though, were the antics of the place's owners as we watched them steal tips, abuse costumers (and not in a semi-lovable Edsel Ford Fong sort of way, either), and pass off pasta from a grocery store as homemade. If you haven't seen it, be sure to watch it on Kitchen Nightmares. You won't be disappointed.

But what made it a moment for the ages was their bizarre online complete meltdown (well chronicled elsewhere) with them throwing obscenities, claiming the high ground of a deity supporting them, and using ALL CAPS randomly. Then they claimed a hacker had done it all, and not them (although they've done similar things before).

Now, I know nothing about restaurants, beyond which ones have banned my kids from ever coming back. But I have made misuse of the word "artisan" and its derivatives a sort of crusade.

So, looking at their site I noticed the inevitable word "artisan" on it (oddly capitalized, along with "Gourmet" and "Pizzas").





In the same paragraph it noted they serve "house made Artesian Pastas."

Look: "artesian" means an aquifer or spring in the ground, which provides water. It has nothing to do with "artisan." Water can never be artisanal, but it is often artesian. Capisce?

So, Amy, unless you've found some sort of natural spring that produces a steady stream of pasta (sort of like the famous spaghetti farms), I want to make these points:

1. Unless it came flowing out of the ground, it's NOT artesian.

2. If you made it yourself, by hand, you can call it artisanal.

3 If you bought it from the grocery store and are reselling it as your own, it's not "house made," "artisanal," or "artesian."

4. You should also use a comma. To the best of my knowledge there is no such thing as "Artesian Pastas fine wines."


Thank you, Webhill!

18 comments:

AMY said...

ARE YOU F*********** KIDDING ME? YOU DON'T KNOW SPELLING! NOW, GET OUT OF MY WEBSITE YOU HATER!!!!!!

Wayne Conrad said...

I.... wow. Um... wow. I'm glad they're in Scottsdale, and not in Glendale. As far away from my humble town as possible, please.

If it's a put-on, it's brilliantly staged and acted.

Julie said...

lol ... i saw Artisan KitchenAid Mixing Machines in a brochure and immediately thought of you ...

http://www.kitchenwarehouse.com.au/index.php/catalog/product/view/id/4015/s/kitchenaid-artisan-ksm150-stand-mixer/

Anonymous said...

Their new slogan - we put the "anal" in artisanal

Anonymous said...

And further down the menu...








Just Desserts

Anonymous said...

Uh oh, Amy's gonna be mad at you now! Wait, I mean her HACKER is gonna be mad at you. Yeah, that's it. The hacker will be mad. ;-)

Whelk Lad! said...

So THAT'S the word they had to bleep in every sentence Amy spoke. Mystery solved.

gin4407 said...

Amy is a train wreck!

Ms. Donna said...

Oh my. English speakers 1 the ignorant 0.

Laura said...

OMG... I don't know whether or not to thank you for that, but I just lost a few hours of my life to following that story around the internet and watching the episode, and it was hilarious! Meow!

Nancy Feist said...

People who steal tips from servers are total a-holes and deserve special torment.

Officer Cynical said...

My new address:

Under A Rock
Cynicalville, USA

Anonymous said...

On top of Spaghetti, all covered with Artisanal Cheese, I lost my poor genuine hand-made Italian meatball when somebody sneezed ... It fell off the table and onto the floor, (before someone could pick it, dust it off, [one-second rule] up and serve), then rolled out of the door...

RehabRN said...

Grumpy:

Yes, I loved it too. That Amy is a character.

The part that I really treasured:

Gordon "Over 50 people went through the place according to some staff."
Husband: "No, it was actually over a 100."

Duh! No wonder! And anon 0951 I totally agree she should go with the "anal" slogan.

Give that girl a Fleet's enema please, 'cause she's so FOS (just my rehab nurse assessment)!

Kathy said...

On behalf of all non-serial killer cat owners who actually do cook in Arizona, I apologize wholeheartedly for this woman's insanity. Also, she's hilarious. The end.

Aeris said...

This has been entertaining. The Internet has followed the public meltdown and it has been ... Entertaining.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/this-is-the-most-epic-brand-meltdown-on-facebook-ever?s=mobile

Anonymous said...

They abuse "costumers"? What about makeup artists, set designers, gaffers...

Anonymous said...

All I can think of now is how much I want there really to be a natural pasta-producing spring... mmmmmmmmm... pasta...

 
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