Drug ads

This is an ad for the MS drug Rebif, to help patients learn how to handle flu-like symptoms, a common side-effect.

One gets the impression that the way patients are "getting the facts" is from a kindergarten-level cartoon book with a happy fish.

Breaking news

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


DATELINE: FLORIDA

Stephen Titland (really, that's his name) attempted to get into several vehicles by going down the street and seeing if any parked cars were unlocked.

He finally found one that wasn't and started to climb in, only to discover sheriff's deputies inside the unmarked vehicle. They'd arrived in the area due to multiple reports of a man (who matched Titland's description) burglarizing cars.

Mr. Titland has been charged with attempted burglary and violating his probation from a previous burglary conviction.



DATELINE: IRELAND

Residents of the village Ringaskiddy have fallen on hard times. There have been multiple solid complaints about men and dogs walking around with, uh, woodies.

Apparently they have a bone to pick with the local Pfizer plant, where Viagra is manufactured. The waste exhaust from the factory reportedly is being carried by a stiff breeze into the surrounding community.

Local barmaid Debbie O'Grady commented "one whiff and you're stiff."




DATELINE: FLORIDA (again)

An unidentified opossum broke into a liquor store and got trashed on bourbon.

The marsupial knocked a bottle of bourbon on the floor, breaking it, then drank the contents.

The animal was "disoriented" when found and taken to a local animal shelter. She was given fluids and allowed to detox, then released into the wild.



And finally, from the "do not try this at home" department, is this.

Christmas Gift Guide, 2017

Your floors are dirty. You don't have time to clean.

You try getting your teenagers to do it, but, lets' face it, they suck. If you can even pry them out of their rooms for a few minutes, then you have to get their phones out of their hands, and then they start whining that you're ruining their lives and... it just ain't worth it.

You need a different power to clean your floors.

The power... of the dark side.

Fortunately it's not only there, but in a choice of styles, too.

"Luke, I am your vacuum."

The Samsung Powerbot home vacuum promises to not only clean your floors, but randomly play lightsaber sounds, the heavy breathing of the Sith Lord (so you can worry someone broke into your house) and snippets of movie dialogue.

You can control them with voice, the phone app, Amazon Alexa, and Google assistant to convince your technophobic friends that you, indeed, have the power. Better yet, you don't have to deal with your teenagers.

These are the droids you're looking floor.


Disclaimer: I did NOT get paid for this post, and do not own this gadget. I just thought it fit in with the other odd things I feature. I have no idea how well it works. I have a wife, 3 teenagers, and 3 dogs, all smarter than me and have no desire to have household appliances that are, too.

The Christmas Gift Guide, 2017!

As the Earth's orbit once again brings December around, it's time for


drumroll


Dr. Grumpy's Gift Guide!

So, without further comment, here we go!


What can you get your favorite alcoholic who thinks the germ theory is a passing fad?

How about this combination beer and wine holder toilet paper dispenser?

Now they don't have to awkwardly leave their liver toxin of choice at the dining table or on the bathroom counter. It can be immediately handy while using the facilities, letting them take a nip (or more) between wipes and helping to spread some horrible diarrheal illness amongst family and friends.

After all, the holiday are all about sharing.

My readers write

Clover, M.D. writes in:


I had this interaction with a patient recently:

Me: "How's your pain been?"

Her: "Better, I'm controlling it with those amphetamines I buy at the store."

Me: "Um, you're buying amphetamines at the store?"

Her: "Yeah, the store-brand Tylenol stuff."

Me: "You mean acetaminophen."

Her: "Whatever."


Thank you, Clover!

Random pictures

Okay, time to hit the mail bag for stuff you guys have sent in.


First is the poorly thought out name of this veterinary product:

"Keep away from children."

This one makes you wonder who named the business

Like any proud business owner, they have a custom license plate:

A reader notes this sign "doesn't exactly inspire confidence."

Then there's this, apparently marketing to axe murderers:

This past weekend the twins and I stopped at Starbucks for a snack. They had this sign up on the door:

Craig commented that "it looks like a dancing squid going to a Halloween party dressed as the Pope."




One reader saw this at a furniture store. Since she's a nurse she said her first thought was "Do Not Intubate." Admittedly, that was mine, too, even though it's obviously a couch.