Life in America

In a world of serious problems, it's nice to see lawmakers gutsy enough to tackle the really big issues facing us.

Thank you, Lee!

Corey Hart, where are you?

Dr. Grumpy: "You're looking better today."

Mrs. FosterGrant: "Well I don't feel any better! I have a horrible migraine today. Look at me! I'm even having to wear my sunglasses indoors!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, you don't have sunglasses on."

Mrs. Fostergrant: "I don't?" (feels face, then rummages through purse, puts on sunglasses) "Now I do! See? I feel awful!"

Keystone Medical Transport

I want to know if it went bouncing down the street, like in movies.

Thank you, Sam!

Mary, bring me a strong drink

I'm with a patient, when Mary interrupts. There's a hospital call for me. So I pick it up.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Webster: "Hi, I'm the hospitalist taking care of Mrs. Migraine, and I have a question about your note."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay."

Dr. Webster: "This morning you wrote: 'Brain MRI didn't show an ominous cause for her headaches'."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Dr. Webster: "What does 'ominous' mean?"

Wednesday

Dr. Grumpy: "So we'll see how the medication change works. Any questions?"

Mr. Funky: "I'm not happy about this."

Dr. Grumpy: "Not happy about what?"

Mr. Funky: "My visit co-pay. I paid $25 the first time I came here, and then another $25 at my last visit, and now I'm going to have to pay another $25 today. That's $75 to see you for the same damn problem."

Dr. Grumpy: "I understand, but I don't set your co-pay."

Mr. Funky: "It should be one co-pay covers all visits for the year, or something."

Dr. Grumpy: "Your insurance company is the one who decides your co-pay, not me."

Mr. Funky: "Yeah, but I bet you're sleeping with some insurance company bitch."

Junior Achievement

I pick up the kids after work.

Craig: "Dad, can we stop at your office? I need to use the copy machine for my homework."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure. What's up?"

Craig: "Marie got a homework-free pass she's going to use tomorrow, and I want one, too."

More signs of the apocalyse

Because every toddler should have an iPhone.





This is not a joke, people.

Thank you, Webhill!

Patient quote of the day

"I have high blood pressure. But it's not high high. Usually it's low high or moderate high, sometimes low-high-high. Being really high high is rare."

2-for-1

Dr. Grumpy: "How did the oxygen work for your cluster headaches?"

Mr. Scheele: "Great! It knocked them right out. But I need another tank."

Dr. Grumpy: "They should last a while... How often do you have to use it?"

Mr. Scheele: "Oh, not that often. It's for my dog. He has lung problems, and it's cheaper to get a tank through you than my vet."

Dear Wikipedia,

I think there's a problem with your "Featured Picture" tonight...

(click to enlarge)

The iPhone 4s with Siri. More useful than you ever thought.

Weekend at Grumpy's

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

RalPh: "Hi, my name is RalPh, and I'm a patient of Dr. Brain's. I need a refill called in for my Sarcasma, and his office never called me back on Friday."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's fine. What's your pharmacy number?"

RalPh: "867-5309."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I'll call it in right now."

Hangs up, dials 867-5309.

RalPh: "Local Pharmacy, this is RalPh. Can I help you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, didn't I just talk to you?"

RalPh: "Yeah, I'm a pharmacist. You calling in a script?"

Be prepared

I spent today at a Boy Scout event.

Most of us are used to the concept of time zones. Central Time, Pacific Time, whatever. You move a few hours up or down depending on how far east/west you are.

Boy Scout Time (BST), however, is a time zone that has absolutely no basis in reality. Here's how it works:

Some guy allegedly in charge sends out an email/phone message/smoke signal/semaphore flag that we will meet in the parking of local church/school/mortuary at 7:30 in the morning.

7:25: Grumpymobile containing Frank, Craig, and I shows up, joining 1-2 other cars.

7:30: Nothing happens.

7:38: Guy who sent email out shows up, makes lame excuse.

7:40: Two more cars show up.

7:45: 3 other cars show up, one forgot something (like a kid), goes back home for it.

7:47: Guy who sent email wanders around trying to do a head count and complains about people being unreliable.

7:48: Single mom shows up, blames her ex for giving her the wrong time.

7:50 Another car shows up. Driver asks if we want anything from Starbucks, then leaves to go get his own.

7:51: Guy who sent email starts calling people who aren't there but had confirmed. 50% of the time he gets voicemail, 50% he wakes them up.

7:55: Person who left to get something from home is back.

8:00 Guy who went to Starbucks returns. Got my order wrong.

8:05: Email guy finally gives up, announces everyone should follow him to the day's activity, discovers he left address at home, calls and wakes up his wife to look for it on the kitchen counter.

8:15 After we all leave, insane parents who showed afterwards call and ask as to come back to the parking lot so they can follow, too. Email guy makes an illegal U-turn to go back, and we all follow him. Because we are morons. And the local traffic cop turns on his lights and siren.

And this is how Boy Scout Time works.

Deer crossing

Wow. Just wow.