Excuses

Mr. Party: "I need a note saying I take Fukitol, and it effects my balance and coordination."

Dr. Grumpy: "But you're not taking Fukitol."

Mr. Party: "I know, but this way I can use it as an excuse if I get pulled over this Saturday."

Life at my desk

Dr. Grumpy: "At your last visit you tried Feelbetter. Has it helped?"

Mrs. Shootme: "No. The first pill made me horribly sick. I had every side effect I read about, so I threw it away."

Dr. Grumpy: "But, according to our records, you had me call a refill into the pharmacy?"

Mrs. Shootme: "I was afraid you'd get angry if you thought I'd stopped it."

Annual Peeve

For the 3rd year in a row I'm going to run this column, as I went to the store last night, and saw it had started already. I'll keep running it until this practice stops. Which likely means the post will be here every damn year until I retire/die/get institutionalized.


Dear Mr. President,

We now face a national crisis of such serious proportions that it dwarfs other issues, such as global warming, health care, and middle-east peace. It now threatens the very fabric of our society, and directly affects every citizen. And I can remain silent no longer.

It's still September, and every store near me ALREADY HAS THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP!

I have nothing against the holidays, Mr. President. Peace on Earth and all that stuff. But moving them up as if they were being held in another time-zone or alternate universe is getting out-of-hand. As far as I know, Christmas hasn't budged in my lifetime. And treating every day like it was Christmas (like the stores seem to want me to do) is not helping.

The well-respected Nick documentary program, The Fairly Oddparents, has carefully researched what would happen if Christmas were held every day (Episode 107, air date 12-12-01 I have kids, OKAY!). Their conclusion? It would be catastrophic.

There also seems to be a degree of unintentional discrimination. For example, Hanukkah starts almost a week before Christmas this year, but I don't see Hanukkah decorations going up 1 week before the Christmas ones. In fact, I haven't seen any at all yet. Or Kwanzaa stuff. Or Festivus. Or New Year's.

This seasonal perversion extends to other holidays, too. I mean, by January 2nd most stores are decked out with Easter junk, and on July 5th the Halloween crap is up.

So, Mr. President, I propose the following, federally mandated solutions (please note: I'm only including those holidays that retailers love. Let's face it, not many of us are out there buying gifts for Groundhog day or cards for Columbus day. I'm also leaving out local holidays like Delaware Statehood Day, the Montana Huckleberry Harvest Celebration, and the Byron, Illinois, Turkey Testicle Festival).

Valentine's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of January.

St. Patrick's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until after March 1st.

Passover/Easter decorations will NOT be put up until after St. Patrick's day.

Independance day decorations (July 4th) will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of June.

Halloween stuff will NOT be put up before October 1st

Thanksgiving Stuff will NOT be put up before November 1st.

Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus stuff will NOT be put up until the day after Thanksgiving.

(Please note: there should be some flexibility here, as Hanukkah and Easter/Passover may vary, but decorations should NOT be hung more then 3 weeks prior to holiday onset).


An alternative plan would be to have a single annual holiday combining all of the above, called St. Christmukahpasseastkwanpatfourthnewfestgivingween. Decorations for the combined holidays may be hung for 30 days prior to this event, and MUST be removed the day after.


Punishment for business owners who violate these laws would be on a 3-step basis:

1st offense: Business license revoked for one month.

2nd offense: Tarred, feathered, and forced to eat fruitcake.

3rd offense: Drawn and quartered, then served with fava beans and a nice chianti.


Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Show and Tell - not what you remember

Wow. And I thought the seashells I found at the beach were nifty when I brought them in.

Obviously, I wasn't even close.

How is this my fault?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any problems with the new medication?"

Mr. Bond: "Doc, sometimes I just like to have a martini, and the other night, when I really wanted one, I couldn't have one. It's very frustrating."

Dr. Grumpy: (reviews chart) "But James, there's no reason I see here why you couldn't have a martini every now and then."

Mr. Bond: (shakes head) "You don't understand."

Dr. Grumpy: "So what's the problem?"

Mr. Bond: "I was out of olives."

Patient quote of the day

"The pain went down through my legs. Not all my legs, I mean, but just the ones on the bottom of my body."

Sunday night, 11:17 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mrs. Franklin: "Hi, you see me for nerve damage in my foot, and I'm on Neurontin."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. What's up?"

Mrs. Franklin: "Well, lightning struck my apartment complex an hour ago, and started a small fire in the laundry room. The fire department put it out, and everything is okay now."

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you okay? Was your medication lost?"

Mrs. Franklin: "Oh, everything is fine."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why are you calling?"

Mrs. Franklin: "I just figured this is the sort of thing my doctors should know."

Truth, NOT yak shit

The battle against cancer was set back recently, when politicians (not physicians) running for office decided that fear beats hope. False claims were made that the HPV vaccine (which has the potential to cure cervical cancer by preventing it from ever starting) causes mental retardation.

I'd therefore like to post this statement by the president of the American Academy of Pediatrics, Dr. O. Marion Burton. He is not a politician, but is an expert in the care of children.

I hope his statements carry more weight than those of politicians who are more interested in sound bites than truth.

"The American Academy of Pediatrics would like to correct false statements made in the Republican presidential campaign that HPV vaccine is dangerous and can cause mental retardation.

There is absolutely no scientific validity to this statement. Since the vaccine has been introduced, more than 35 million doses have been administered, and it has an excellent safety record.

The American Academy of Pediatrics, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and the American Academy of Family Physicians all recommend that girls receive HPV vaccine around age 11 or 12. That’s because this is the age at which the vaccine produces the best immune response in the body, and because it’s important to protect girls well before the onset of sexual activity.

In the U.S., about 6 million people, including teens, become infected with HPV each year, and 4,000 women die from cervical cancer. This is a life-saving vaccine that can protect girls from cervical cancer."

That's 4000 young women dying each year from an easily preventable disease. One of them could be your daughter - or mine. Marie will get the vaccine next year.

I did not receive any money or gifts to make this statement, nor do I own a financial interest in companies that make these vaccines. I don't know Dr. Burton, either. I'm posting this because, as a yak herder, I know manure when I see it, and believe it should be cleaned up.

Memories...

Like most residents, I moonlighted in various ER's and urgent cares around town.

One night I saw a guy in SERIOUS pain.

He was at Local Grocery, buying a can of soup.

When the pretty teenage girl cashier asked "Anything else you need?" He said "How about this, sweetie?" whipped his winkie out, and laid it on the checkout counter.

The cashier grabbed the soup can and smashed him flat.

The urologist I paged was laughing so hard that he had to hang up and call me back when he'd stopped.

I'll take your word on this one

Mrs. Epistaxis: "Sorry I'm a few minutes late. My mom had a bad nosebleed, and I had to drop her off at the ER."

Dr. Grumpy: "I hope she'll be okay."

Mrs. Epistaxis: "It was a mess. Here's a picture." (whips out iPhone with gory picture).

Dr. Grumpy: "That's okay, I believe you. How have you been?"

Mrs. Epistaxis: "I also have the kitchen towel she was using in my purse here..." (starts digging in purse)

The cup

It's just a coffee cup on our break room shelf.

Coffee cups collect at medical offices, until you have cabinets full of them, far out of proportion to the number of people who work there. Staff bring them in, then forget them. Old employees leave them when they move on. Drug companies used to drop them off.

So as time goes by, coffee cups multiply. After a while the less-used ones get migrated to the top shelf.

This cup sits on the top shelf, at the front. I put it there.

It was brought in by a patient. Not as a gift. He just preferred drinking coffee out of mugs, and didn't like paper cups or plastic/metal containers. So he carried around his own mug, would buy coffee and mix it up in paper cups, then pour it in his mug when he got to his office. Or, in this case, my office. Any place with a stable surface.

I saw him only once, for something minor. He was in his late-30's, married, 2 kids, a business professional. Nice guy. He explained his coffee issue to me as he set his mug on my desk. I thought it was funny, but hell, we all have our own neurosis. We talked about his leg pain, worked out a treatment plan, and agreed to meet back in a month.

The day after he left I found his coffee cup in the exam room. He'd left it behind in a hurry to get out and make it to a meeting on time. I washed it and set it on the top shelf, to give back at his follow-up.

3 weeks later I came in one morning and began leafing through the overnight faxes. One was from the state coroner's office, requesting records. Mr. Cup had died that night of a massive heart attack.

It's been 2 years. When I'm having a bad day, I go look at the cup.

How much do you know about Mom?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mrs. Noclue: "My Mom died of cancer. I think it was prostate cancer."

Death by Magnet

Dear MRI facility,

My reader Jeanette was kind enough to send me the pamphlet you left at her office, showing the advantages of your new, non-claustrophobic, no-tube MRI machine.




I did a highly unscientific poll of claustrophobic patients since then, and all agreed that they'd rather get Valium and do a regular MRI than your "simulated lynching" technique.

But, since I often occasionally sit here and think about strangling my patients, I'll be sure to keep you in mind.

They drive me crazy

Mr. Ophth: "Since the fall I've had trouble seeing. Everything is blurry and out of focus."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you hit your head?"

Mr. Ophth: "No, but I broke my glasses."