Blood Pressure is Overrated, Anyway

This note was faxed to my office from the patient's family doc this morning.

(click to enlarge)

You Saw It Here First!

My reader Kaitlin notified me yesterday that Dave Barry's column for Sunday, December 6, also featured the nose-shaped soap dispenser that I presented on December 5.

I wish to point out that Dr. Grumpy beat him to press with this important breaking news by several hours, and his column was not leaked to me in advance (unless you consider the catalog being sent to my home to be a leak).

I also am not now, nor have I ever been, Mr. Barry

And I ain't gonna pose in the buff for you guys, either.

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy. He didn't want to hear me bitch about my day at the school, and told me to tell you guys. So here.

School nursing brings you an amazing collection of hypochondriacs, and it gets worse with winter break coming and they get restless. So today, besides the usual collection of snotty noses, stomach aches, and "I can't do PE because..." I had this.

Kid #1: "Somethings wrong with my eyes. I can't read the board today."

Me: "Don't you wear glasses?"

Kid#1: "Yeah, but I left them at home."


AND


Kid #2: "I've had this bump on my little finger since I was five, and it looks the same."

Me: "You're ten now. So why are you here?"

Kid#2: "I wanna know what it is."


I also want to thank the 2 teachers (neither of whom was a sub) who sent these kids to my office during regular class time for these complaints.

Whatever

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have any other medical issues?"

Mrs Barph: "I vomit every afternoon at 3:05 p.m. This started in 1987 and I haven't missed a day since."

I Bet the Cops Love You

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, why did you call 911?"

Mr. Bozo: "I forgot my doctor's phone number, and thought maybe they would know it, and could call him for me to make an appointment. I need to see him."

More Fun Junkie Quotes

These guys just make a weekend on call so entertaining.


"I've been using crack since I was 18, and I'm 27 now. I mean, that's almost 7 years I've been doing this stuff. I've spent 2 years in jail for it. I've been in and out of every rehab program in town. I've never had a real job, and still live with my parents. It's time for me to turn my life around, and I'm going to start by being honest and telling my parents about my habit. I've been able to hide it from them, but It's time they know I've got a problem."


Dude, if your parents haven't figured that out yet, they're probably on it, too. Also, your math sucks.

Lifestyle Changes

Yesterday I admitted a lady in her 50's who had a stroke. So I'm rounding on her this morning.

Mrs. LDL: "Doctor, I'm changing my whole life right now! I'm going to start being healthy. For many years I've always had a cheese omelet for breakfast. So, today, when they took patient breakfast orders, I realized I had to start doing things differently."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good for you! What did you order?"

Mrs. LDL: "A vegetable omelet, with cheese."