Quote of the day

"I was in the ER last weekend for a seizure. They said my Dilantin level was 8. Or maybe it was 18, or 28. I don't know, it was a number with an '8' in it. Does that help?"

Anatomy

Garlic, like a lot of old dogs, is covered with random lumps, bumps, and warts.

This past weekend Craig was having a party (actually, Craig seems to have a party every weekend, but that's another post).

As usual, Garlic and Onion were making the rounds, hoping to snag a pretzel or fallen cocktail weenie. At one point one of Craig's entourage groupies harem friends began petting Garlic, so he hopped up on the couch next to her to keep the attention coming.

A few minutes later she noticed me wandering out of my office to get a Diet Coke and came over to ask...

"Hi, uh, Mr. Craig's dad. How come your dog has nipples growing out of his back?"

Check out

I was on call for the weekend, so Sunday night had the usual check-out call with Dr. Cortex:


Dr. Cortex: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, it's Grumpy."

Dr. Cortex: "Okay, let me get my list and a pen..."

Dr. Grumpy: "How was your weekend? You guys do anything?"

Dr. Cortex: "We took the grandkids to the annual air-show, but, one of the planes crashed while landing. They said the pilot was killed and the passenger badly injured. Fortunately, we were at the snack bar when it happened, so Billy and Dolly didn't see it. But it must have been horrible. We left right away."

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't blame you."

Dr. Cortex: "All right, I'm ready for the list. What have you got for me?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. In the ICU, room 37, is a guy with a serious head injury. He was a passenger in a plane at the air show......."

Thud

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you have those labs done?"

Mr. Siphonaptera: "Hell no. I walked out of the lab. They treated me like crap."

Dr. Grumpy: "What happened?"

Mr. Siphonaptera: "The girl at the front desk told me she was going to have me see a phlebotomist, which is bullshit. I don't have fleas. So I left."

11:38 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Ms. Papaveraceae: "Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. Brain's, and I ran out of Percocet. My pharmacy number is..."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry, but I don't call in controlled drugs after hours. You'll have to contact Dr. Brain's office on Monday."

Ms. Papaveraceae: "But I really need it!"

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't call in any narcotics. What I can call in is..."

Ms. Papaveraceae: "But I can't take anything else because of religious reasons. I belong to a small sect that worships poppy flowers, so..."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm not calling narcotics in."

Ms. Papveraceae: "So you're discriminating against me on the basis of my religion? I will get an attorney and..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have a good night."

Click.