Parenting

I'm at the dreaded Wednesday morning neurology meeting at the hospital. My colleague, Dr. Mom, is sitting next to me.

About halfway through the meeting her iPhone rang. She answered it, listened for a few seconds, then said:

“LOOK, Mr.-I-had-a-Bar-Mitzvah-so-now-I-am-a-man, I don’t care how well you did at your Bar Mitzvah, the fact that you forget your lunch at home - again - still makes you an irresponsible moron in my book and you can shut up and go hungry for the day to learn a lesson and if you call me about this again you’re not getting dinner either!”

Then she hung up.

We fist-bumped.

Pathetic

You know, it's REALLY PATHETIC that 40 years after this public service announcement first ran, we need it now more than we did then.

Get your kids vaccinated. Don't believe the bullshit out there.

Planning

School competitions always bring a bunch of paperwork, rules, and forms for parents to sign.

This year they included this:

Thank you, A!

Addendum

I'm with a patient when Mary interrupts me. Dr. Unka, a deranged cardiologist in my building, is on the phone. So I apologize to my patient and pick up the line.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Unka: "Hi, Ibee. You consulted on a hospital patient of mine this morning, Mr. Sah. He's the one who fell and hit his head at home yesterday, and now has a brain hemorrhage?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, he's in ICU. What's up?"

Dr. Unka: "Well, I was reading your note, and in your dictation it says he slipped on water that was on the floor. I just spoke to his wife, and she's very certain it was iced tea, because he'd just knocked a glass over and was going to get a towel to clean it up when he fell."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um..."

Dr. Unka: "Anyway, I thought it was important you should know, in case you want to amend your dictation."

Breaking News!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


DATELINE: WINNIPEG

Diners waiting for burgers in the drive-thru of an A&W restaurant kept waiting, even after it became obvious the restaurant was burning down.

In a remarkable testament to human optimism, brand devotion, and hunger, patrons were, apparently, convinced their dinners would be ready soon. This is in spite of smoke pouring out of the place, employees fleeing the building, and approaching sirens. In fact, more people just kept pulling in. One can only assume they thought the column of smoke was coming from the grill.

It wasn't until a total of 8 firetrucks had arrived that the hungry customers realized they should consider other dining options and left.



DATELINE: CHINA

A man in Zhangzou was hospitalized with fungal pneumonia. The potentially serious disorder has been attributed to his habit of repeatedly smelling his own socks after wearing them all day. He apparently did this as a way to relax after work.

I think I'll stick with a beer.




DATELINE: FLORIDA

Mr. Onelio Hipolit-Gonzalez was arrested for running a bogus medical clinic.

He charged people $160 for an initial appointment, which consisted of them holding a metal rod that was connected to a beeping machine (Ah! the machine that goes "PING!"). Afterwards he'd tell them the machine showed various organ problems and that he could cure them for $2000.

His "cure" for diabetes apparently consisted of him drawing blood and then re-injecting it back into their body.

Mr. Hipolit-Gonzalez was reportedly "shocked" to learn his actions were illegal, and, as proof of his ability to practice medicine, stated he'd been a lab technician.





DATELINE: BRAZIL

Mr. Abdias Melo, who must be a VERY sound sleeper, remained in dreamland while friends super-glued a colorful assortment of dildos to his back.

They then woke him by banging pots together.

Attempts to remove the dildos at home failed, and Mr. Melo ended up going to ER. I suspect even the most hardened team of emergency staff was taken aback by this case.

Either that or he was mistaken for a stegosaurus.