"Hey, what's that smell?"

Seen in a chart:

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Lady: "Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Sure. What will you be coming in for?"

Lady: "I've been falling a lot - I fell today, actually - and want to get my balance checked out."

Mary: "Okay. Our next opening is Tuesday, at 3:45, then Thursday at 9:00. We also..."

Lady: "Oh, I'll need farther out then that."

Mary: "Any idea when? Like a week, or..."

Lady: "Not sure. I mean, I broke my leg when I fell today. I'm in ER, being admitted to the hospital right now. I'm supposed to have surgery tomorrow morning, so I'll be here for a few days, and then they say I'll need to go to rehab for a couple weeks."

Mary: "Why don't you just call back when you know when you'll be able to come in?"

Lady: "Am I allowed to do that?"

Mary: "Of course."

Lady: "That's a better idea. I'll do that, then."

Weekend on call

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Nurse: "Hi, this is Susan. I'm a nurse on the 7th floor, calling in a consult on room 7147."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure. What's the story?"

Nurse: "He's a 22 year old who took LSD a few hours ago, in the park next to the hospital, and has since been really confused. His friends brought him to ER. Dr. Newgrad wanted neurology to see him for the confusion."

Pause

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you shitting me?"

Nurse (laughing): "I wish. I tried to talk Dr. Newgrad out of the consult, and suggested we just put on some Grateful Dead in there until it wore off."

It's a guy thing

Seen in a chart:

Birthday gifts

One of Dr. Pissy's staff has a delightful 2 1/2 year old girl named Rachel.

This summer, due to her babysitter being on a family vacation, Rachel is at the office most days. I'm sure this irritates some people, but at our little dumpster fire of an office, we don't care. She's fun and adorable, and is a pleasant distraction from the everyday routine of medicine.

Currently Rachel is in a phase where EVERYTHING is related to her birthday, even things that are not. For example:

Dr. Pissy: "Those are nice shoes, Rachel."
Rachel: "I got them for my birthday."
 
Dr. Grumpy: "Is that a good corn dog, Rachel?"
Rachel: "Yes. I got it for my birthday."

Random Patient: "Is that a horse you're drawing a picture of, Rachel?"
Rachel: "It's for my birthday."

(for the record, Rachel's birthday is somewhere around Christmas)

Yesterday, I was getting ready to leave and went to get my briefcase. For some reason Rachel followed me down the hall, and I didn't hear her behind me.

I picked up my briefcase, turned around, and WHACK! my briefcase hit Rachel on the side of her forehead. It wasn't too hard, but enough to surprise and hurt her.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Her mother (and most of the front office) came charging back to see what happened. I was trying to comfort Rachel (without much success) and as soon as she saw her Mom, she ran to her.

Mom: "Rachel, did you get hurt? What happened?"
Rachel: "DR. GRUMPY HIT ME IN THE HEAD FOR MY BIRTHDAY!"