Heart? Appendix? Wurlitzer?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Helpful: "My dad is missing an organ. I don't know what it's called."

Dear Local Medical Career College,

Thank you for dropping off pamphlets about your new medical assistant training program yesterday.

In all honesty, they don't inspire a lot of confidence.

Annie's desk, February 1, 2011

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Copay: "Hi, I need Dr. Grumpy to call in some medication for my back. I also need him to order physical therapy and an MRI."

Annie: "Hang on, let me look up your chart... it looks like we haven't seen you since 2008..."

Mrs. Copay: "That's correct."

Annie: "... and at that time you were here for a completely different issue. It looks like Dr. Grumpy has never seen you for back problems."

Mrs. Copay. "Whatever. Let me give you the number for my pharmacy..."

Annie: "Look, he can't give you medications or order anything for a condition he hasn't seen you for before. Especially when it's been 3 years since you were last here at all. You'll need to make an appointment."

Mrs. Copay: "Well, my insurance copay is now $35, and I don't want to spend that just to come see him."

Annie: "We can't do anything without seeing you."

Mrs. Copay: "Why doesn't anyone care about patients anymore? All you people want is my money." (hangs up).

Being thorough

Dr. Grumpy: "Besides your gallbladder, any other surgeries?"

Mr. Eightyseven: "Yup. When I was a baby they clipped my pecker."

I'm feeling the love

This letter came in yesterday's mail.


"Dear Dr. Grumpy,

"You don't know me, but I'm a patient of Dr. Pissy's.

"I had an appointment last week, and noticed you standing in the hallway.

"Based on my observations, I'd like to offer you my services as a professional shopper and fashion expert. For a nominal fee I'd take your measurements, then carefully select clothes that are both fashionable and flattering to you.

"I want to reassure you that I understand your appearance is not your fault. I'm sure a man in your position doesn't have time to shop for himself, and your wife may be too hurried to select nice clothes for you. In addition, many men, in my experience, are color blind.

"I've enclosed my business card, and look forward to working with you.

Yours truly,

Cindy Polyester."

MARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Occasionally Mary puts a personal reminder for herself on the office schedule. I don't mind this at all. Usually it's something like "Order cake for party" or "Take kids to dentist".

BUT one of her friends is having a baby today.

So when I looked at my schedule this morning it featured this:

9:00- Suzy Migraine- Med check.
9:15- Phil Whiner- EMG.
9:30- Lisa Gravid - C-section at hospital.

January 31, 2011 - Happy Holiday!

Humans are a remarkably disparate groups of cultures, ethnicities, and religions. But there are some things we all share and cherish.

Today is one of those international holidays that helps unite us across the globe. A day when we all give thanks for those things that make a difference in our lives, in spite of our varying beliefs.

Yes folks, today is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.

I am not making this up.

Heaven knows that if we didn't have bubble wrap we'd still be packing stuff with abrasive paper, dirty socks, and seashells, and therefore opening packages full of scratched, smelly, computers, toys, and dishes.

To re-tell the ancient story that we traditionally teach our children on this day:

In 1957 two New Jersey engineers (Marc Chavannes and Al Fielding) were trying to make plastic wallpaper by gluing 2 shower curtains together, forming bubbles between the layers (it didn't sell).

In a flash, however, it was revealed unto them that their creation could be used as a cushioning and packaging material. And the rest is history.

So today, take a moment and give thanks for the marvel that has so enriched our packing and shipping lives, and given us (and our children) endless pleasure (not to mention stress reduction) in popping the little bubbles.

And we all say, Amen.

Memories...

It was the mid-90's. I was the neurology resident on call, and the attending was Dr. Footdrop.

She and I were gradually making our way around the hospital, but it was slow going. We had a lot of patients to see, and she kept getting calls from a crazy patient with millions of insane questions and complaints.

By late-afternoon Dr. Footdrop and I were on the 10th floor, rounding on the last few patients. There was a huge cellophane-wrapped tray of cookies in the middle of the nurses station, and we sat down to have some (it was the only food either of us had seen all day) and review the patients that were left.

While we were snacking, Mr. Crazy called for, literally, the 22nd time in 8 hours. Dr. Footdrop answered her phone, and spoke to him for about minute.

She suddenly leaned forward, and I thought she was getting another cookie. Instead, she grabbed a piece of cellophane. She held it next to the phone, began crinkling it up, and yelled, "I'm sorry, I've caught on fire, and can't talk!" Then she hung up.

Mr. Crazy never called back.

More great research

A recently published paper found this:

A guy is more likely to forgive his wife if she cheats on him with another woman, than if she does it with another man.

Here's the link.

And a grant was used to pay for this research. Because, I can only assume, we've now cured HIV, all forms of cancer, genetic disease, neurological illness, and all other types of human suffering. So now we can spend money on this stuff.

Thank you, Earl!

Oh, the humanity!

The world is running out of chocolate!

I, for one, am going to go hoard Peanut Butter M&M's (my favorite) RIGHT NOW!

Here's the story.

Thank you, Don!

Mary's desk, January 28, 2011

Guy comes in and stands at front desk.


Mary: "Can I help you?"

Mr. Dick: "Yeah. I'm a new patient, and I need to see Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, let me get the schedule... What's your insurance?"

Mr. Dick: "You don't take my insurance. It's National Illness, Inc."

Mary: "No, we don't take that one."

Mr. Dick: "I know! You told me that last week when I called!"

Mary: "Okay, so what can I do for you?"

Mr. Dick: "Not a damn thing! I just came by to tell you that it really pisses me off that you don't take my insurance!"

Mary: "I'm sorry, sir, I..."

Mr. Dick: "And your cash price for an appointment is way too high! You people are absolutely unreasonable!"

Mary: "Sir, your insurance's website has names of neurologists who take your insurance."

Mr. Dick: "I already found one that does! Believe me! I just wanted to come by and tell you what a lousy practice you have!"

Walks out.

Whatever works

Dr. Grumpy: "How's the diabetic nerve pain been?"

Mr. Typetwo: "Awful. My feet burn constantly."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then let's increase the Neurontin dose..."

Mr. Typetwo: "No, I want to leave it as it is. The pain reminds me not to eat sweets."

Yeah, like that's going to happen

(click to enlarge)




Thank you, Ellie!

Failed biology, did we?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Guy: "My dad has diabetes and high blood pressure. My mom had a hysterectomy."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay."

Mr. Guy: "Both my sisters had hysterectomies, too. Hey, does that mean I'll need one someday?"

"It's the family name, son. Try to live up to it."

I don't know what else to say. Just read it.

Thank you, Webhill!

Wednesday afternoon rant

The buzzword that's driving me nuts right now is "artisanal".

Nothing is a plain anything anymore. Stores sell artisanal breads. Restaurants advertise artisanal ravioli and artisanal sandwiches. Coffee places are pushing new artisanal blends. The word is every-fucking-where.

It makes me want to produce some artisanal vomit.

That's all.

Dear Marketing Bozos,

Thank you for this helpful sheet on things my patients should avoid to prevent migraines.






1. Head trauma. Wow! I was completely unaware that patients should avoid this. I figured it might toughen them up, and openly encouraged it. Perhaps I should rethink my opposition to seatbelts and motorcycle helmets, too.

2. Menstruation. I'll let all my lady patients know to stop doing this immediately. I had no idea it was under voluntary control, so I'm glad you told me.

3. Weather changes. I'll tell my patients to immediately move somewhere that has absolutely no weather changes. Like Pluto.*


* Actually, sometimes this doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

Oh, for hell's sake!

(I bring a new patient back to my office)

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, ma'am, I'm Dr. Grumpy. Have a seat."

Mrs. Evil: "Pleased to meet you."

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you?"

Mrs. Evil: "I used to see Dr. Brain, and I didn't like him. Do you know Dr. Brain?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, I..."

Mrs. Evil: "Then I don't like you, either!"

(Gets up and walks out)

January 25, 1995

What were you doing on January 25, 1995?

Most of you probably don't remember. I don't, besides that I was in residency.

I bet you have no idea how close you came to dying (it was 2 minutes). Or, if you didn't die, having your life dramatically altered.

A Black Brant is a type of goose. It's also the name of a Canadian rocket routinely used for atmospheric experiments. It's launched with a bunch of instruments (depending on what's being studied) and the instruments are monitored during the flight. They then parachute back to Earth and are recovered for further data.

Black Brants are commonly used by Canada, the U.S., and several other countries for research. And so it was on this day in 1995.

A team of U.S. and Norwegian scientists launched a Black Brant from northwest Norway to study the Aurora Borealis. It contained standard scientific instruments.

But things - almost - went horribly wrong.

Routine notification of scientific and test launches is customary, and this one was no exception. 30 countries were told, including Russia. But due to layers of bureaucracy, the notice wasn't passed along their military chain. After all, the cold war had been over for 4 years.

As the rocket climbed, it was picked up by Russian radar early warning systems. It was on a trajectory that matched a predicted Trident missile launch from U.S. nuclear submarines in the Arctic circle. As it flew it also crossed an air corridor between American ballistic missile silos in North Dakota and Moscow, which resulted in Russian satellites tracking it.

The Russians read it as an American first strike. Both sides had practiced war games where a single high-altitude nuclear explosion from a submarine would be used to blind radar and satellites from the real attack, while the electromagnetic pulse would paralyze their defenses.

The Russian military went to full alert. Their ballistic missile submarines in the Arctic were all ordered to prepare for immediate launch. Silo crews on land were notified. Their targets would be the major cities of North America and western Europe. They knew the American/NATO forces would respond in kind.

The Black Brant used in this case was a 4-stage rocket. As it separated the radar pattern matched that of a ballistic missile with multiple re-entry warheads coming down, further convincing the Russians that an attack was underway.

The nuclear briefcase, with its launching codes, was brought to Russian President Boris Yeltsin. Like the Americans, the Russians use a mandatory 10 minute launch window (the time needed for a submarine-launched missile to reach either country). Yeltsin activated his nuclear keys to launch a counterattack- but waited for final verification.

At 8 minutes into the alert the rocket's course became clearer, and the Russians realized it was not incoming. With 2 minutes left before the mandatory nuclear launch time, Yeltsin deactivated the briefcase and ordered all nuclear forces off alert. The incident wasn't reported at the time.

The Black Brant rocket completed it's planned flight, landing near Spitsbergen and recovered. The scientists involved had no idea what had happened.

Did that story scare you? Then think about this: It's a single incident.

On November 9, 1979 the U.S. military was testing a radar training tape of what an incoming missile strike would look like. Unfortunately, while being tested, the tape was accidentally broadcast on screens at the American nuclear missile headquarters (NORAD).

The long range nuclear bombers in Alaska were ordered to take off to bomb Russia, while the command tried to verify the attack with other radar systems and satellites (which didn't show anything unusual). It took 6 minutes before an anonymous officer discovered the error, and the bombers were recalled.

We've all heard of Yeltsin, but have you ever heard of Stanislav Petrov? He's a retired Soviet military officer, now living in Fryazino, Russia.

In September, 1983 U.S.-Soviet relations were likely at their worst point since the Cuban Missile Crisis. To top it off, the Russians had just installed a new early-warning system.

On September 26, 1983, Petrov was the shift officer in command of the Soviet early-warning radar defenses. The system twice reported an incoming nuclear strike from North America, once with a single missile, a second time with 4.

Petrov, in a remarkably gutsy move, overrode the computer both times. He declared it an error and didn't pass the information to his superiors. His reasoning was based entirely on his gut instinct that the new system couldn't be trusted. As it turned out, he was right.

Petrov himself couldn't launch a strike. But both sides were on such a hair trigger at the time that if he'd passed the information farther up the line, most historians agree that his superiors would have assumed the worst and ordered a retaliatory attack.

You want more? During the Cuban Missile Crisis Vasili Arkhipov was First Officer on a submarine stationed in the Caribbean. His submerged boat was surrounded by American destroyers, who were trying to identify it.

The captain thought war between the U.S. and U.S.S.R. had started, and wanted to launch a nuclear torpedo. To do so required a unanimous opinion of the boat's 3 top officers. The other 2 wanted to launch, and Arkhipov refused. He argued so forcefully against doing so that the captain decided to surface, identify himself, and check with Moscow. The movie "Crimson Tide" was based on his story.

In only one incident was it actually a world leader who averted disaster. In the rest (and there are many others, read here, or over here) it was a few people (even one), considerably lower in the chain.

On this day in 1995 it was only 2 minutes. Just 120 seconds. Less time than it took you to read this.

Life on the edge is precarious.

Wow!

Dr. Grumpy: "What was your reaction to Penicillin?"

Mr. Chromatic: "It made me turn all kinds of funny colors. My wife said it was every color you see in the big Crayola box."