Today's criminal tip

After you attempt to rob a bank, don't immediately go back to use the ATM.

Thank you, Tanya!

Good to know

Mrs. Definite: "My father died of prostate cancer. But I'm trying not to worry about it because my gynecologist reassured me I don't have one."

Great outdoorsmen

Somehow I don't think it was planned like that.

More from drug companies

This picture:

(click to enlarge)




A. Is an ad for "Monsters vs. Aliens 2"

B. Shows that evil robots and pastel dragons are now approved in the U.S.

C. Makes you wonder what Dr. Grumpy has been smoking.

D. Oh crap, not another Pokemon movie. My kid has enough of that shit already.

E. Is the reason I shouldn't eat grumpyberry pie and ice cream before bed.

F. Is an ad for an epilepsy drug.

Euphemism

Dr. Grumpy: "Any problems on the new medication?"

Mr. Von Braun: "I can raise the missile, but can't launch a warhead."

Money well spent

Mr. Mercury: "I'm always concerned about my blood pressure. I have a blood-pressure machine at home, and I even travel with it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where do your pressures usually run?"

Mr. Mercury: "I don't know. I've never used it."

Great captcha moments

While commenting on another blog recently, I got this verification word:






I'm trying not to take it personally.

Memories...

One year we returned from vacation a day early, because of a problem with one of our dogs. My parents had taken him to the vet for us, and Mrs. Grumpy wanted to rush home and get him (he was her baby).

The vet's office was closed for the weekend when we got back, but they'd told us the 20-something girl who stayed with the pets overnight would let us in to get Fido, since it was a special circumstance and we were established clients.

Anyway, we came by, and she let me in to get the dog. I had some questions, and was talking to her in the lobby for a few minutes. Her shirt was on inside-out, but I didn't pay much attention to it until a naked guy came wandering out of the back and said, "Hey, don't leave me hanging... Oh, sorry" and ran back.

She blushed. I took the dog and left.

Dr. Grumpy at his finest

A while back I was called to the hospital to see a guy with a stroke affecting his language cortex. He wasn't able to talk at all. He didn't have any weakness or other issues, just couldn't speak.

It was a pretty notable stroke on MRI. I spent some time talking to his wife, then went home.

The next day I was absolutely shocked when I was on rounds, and he got in the elevator with me! He looked great, was dressed in his street clothes, and I began talking to him. His speech was excellent. It was the most remarkable recovery I'd ever seen in such a a short time.

It was the patient's identical twin brother, coming to visit him.


I'm legendary for my stellar performances on rounds. This was another one.

Oh for hell's sake!

Thank you, Caya!

Probably me, someday

Mrs. Carehome: "A friend of mine is a doctor, and he wrote down some questions for you about my condition."

(hands over a folded piece of paper)

Dr. Grumpy: "Ma'am, this makes no sense. It's just a random jumble of words and letters, and they don't relate to anything. Are you sure your friend is a doctor?"

Mrs. Carehome: "The nurse said he used to be. We both live over at Shady Hills, though he's in the Alzheimer's unit."

Neat trick

Dr. Grumpy: "What do you do when the hand goes numb?"

Mr. Palmer: "I take out my neck and adjust it."

Things that make me grumpy

Doctor Grumpy's vote is worthless every 4 years.

That doesn't mean I don't vote for President- I always do. And almost every other election that comes up.

Every political system has it's quirks. And this one is a real pet peeve of mine.

To give some background for my non-U.S. readers:

The American political system started, like most, in an era when horses were the main method of transportation, and hence long-distance communication of news. So it wasn't practical to count every single nationwide vote in Presidential elections every 4 years (there were other issues for the electoral college, but I'll let commentators fill those in).

Each U.S. state was given a certain number of votes in an electoral college, based on how many congressional representatives it has. In this system, whichever candidate gets > 50% of the vote in a state gets ALL that state's electoral college votes. It's all-or-nothing. To be fair, a few states have tried to remedy this, by splitting up electoral votes by districts, or based on percentages of popular votes. But for most, it's still all-or-nothing.

So 3 times in American history the winner of a Presidential election was NOT the person who won the majority of the popular vote.

Now, in an era where you had to tabulate votes locally, and send the results by horseback, this system made sense. But with the invention of the telegraph, and then the radio, telephone, and internet, it's not needed. The technology is now there to count every vote, which certainly would be fairer.

So, since Dr. Grumpy lives in a state where he's in the political minority, his Presidential vote is meaningless. All my state's electoral votes go to the other side.

The practical result of this is that, out of the 50 U.S. states, only 10 or so really are the ones that elect a President. They call them "swing states", where they have a large number of electoral votes AND a population that's fairly evenly split. And so politicians only focus on kissing ass in those areas, and ignore the other 80% of us.

Now, most Americans hate this crap. Polls taken regularly since 1944 have shown that a large majority of Americans want to toss the electoral college and just go to direct election by popular vote.

Has this ever even come close to happening? Hell no. Why not, you ask?

Because it's not in the best interest of any major political party!

Let's look at this: Say I'm Humungous Political Party, trying to get my bozo elected. I have a finite amount of money to blow on TV ads, public rallies, etc. Say, (for simplicity) it's $100.

In the current system I can focus that $100 on the 10 states where it matters (at $10/state), and ignore the rest of the voting peons all over the country.

But, if the electoral college were gone, then every single vote, from populous New York to rural Alaska, becomes equal. I'd have to spread my resources thin and blow only $2/state trying to reach everyone with a ballot.

No political party wants to do that. They want to focus their dollars on a concentrated area, getting the most returns for their spending.

You can write to your congressman all you want. He'll agree with you, then vote the opposite way. Multiple attempts to change this have been introduced, and all were killed off early.

After all, voting equality is so un-democratic and un-American.

Bring me Haldol STAT! Oh, and a banana.

What do the CIA, Elvis, a former President, and orangutans have in common?

This guy, apparently.

Thank you, Tanya!