Biochemistry FAIL

Mr. Biochem: "What did my labs show?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, your homocysteine level was high, and..."

Mr. Biochem: "That's impossible! I'm not gay!"

Medical Miracles

I found this impressive quote in another doctor's letter last night:

Ask and ye shall receive

Around Jewish holidays Local Grocery always puts up a display which varies depending on the holiday, featuring Matzoh, or Hanukah candles, or Hamantashen, or whatever is appropriate. They always hang a banner over it that says "The Jewish Experience."

Earlier this week I joked with a friend that if they really wanted to give shoppers "The Jewish Experience" they'd have some old lady there, telling people to stand up straight and making them feel guilty about something.

It was a joke. That was all.

So last night, on the way home, I stopped at the store for apples and a round challah for Rosh Hashanah. I found the "Jewish Experience" display with a pile of challahs, grabbed one... And was blindsided. This ancient silver-haired grandmother pounced on me out of nowhere.

Grandma Crabgrass: "That one's not fresh."

Dr. Grumpy: "Excuse me?"

Grandma Crabgrass: "That challah. It isn't fresh."

Dr. Grumpy: "It feels fresh."

Grandma Crabgrass: "It's not."

Dr. Grumpy: "Fine" (puts down challah A, grabs challah B, starts to turn away)

Grandma Crabgrass: "That one's stale, too. They're all hard as rocks."

Dr. Grumpy: "They're fine. It's not like they're leftover from last year's Rosh Hashanah."

Grandma Crabgrass: "How do you know? Your mother wouldn't approve of that challah."

Dr. Grumpy: "Look. I'm taking this challah and leaving."

Grandma Crabgrass: "You'll need two."


She wasn't even one of my patients.

No kidding

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you allergic to any medications?"

Mrs. Morton: "Yes, ether makes me lose consciousness."

Sigh

Look, sir. I think it's great that you want Mom to be able to reach you.

You're obviously a devoted son, and I respect that. In spite of Mom having advanced Alzheimer's disease, you're doing your best to take care of her.

Wanting her to be able to call you at any given time is a noble idea.

BUT

Let's face it. Mom can't work a toaster. So buying her an iPhone was not a great idea.

Great patient moments

"Doctor, I saw something on television last night. They have a machine, called an MRI, that can take pictures of your brain. Have you ever heard of this?"

Schedule

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I'm Dr. Grumpy. What can I do for you, sir?"

Mr. Gregorian: "My previous neurologist retired, so I want to get established with one for this year."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. What's up?"

Mr. Gregorian: "I was looking at my calender, and realized that I have heart attacks in even-numbered years and strokes in odd-numbered years. Since it's getting late in 2011 I need to get ready."

Survey

Over lunch I was doing a medical market research survey, and got this question:

"What incidence of injection site reactions would you find acceptable in an oral medication?"

Uh, I guess that would be zero.

Mary's desk, last Friday

(door flies open, really huge wild-eyed guy runs in)

Mary: "Can I help you?"

Really huge wild-eyed guy: "OH MY GOD! IT'S EVERYWHERE! DO YOU HAVE ANY PAPER TOWELS?"

Mary: "Um, sure, back in our kitchen, let me go..."

Really huge wild-eyed guy: "I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG! NEVER MIND!"

(runs out door)

Crime in America

I guess this trio has redefined "making a clean getaway."

Thank you, William!

Why you need an iPhone

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you ever smoked?"

Mr. Precise: (whips out iPhone, taps a few times): "One cigarette, on September 21, 1958, at around 2:00 in the afternoon. It was when I was at Ohio State."

"I can't stand a wet car, your Honor."

In a world of lame excuses, some people are better at it than others.

Thank you, Alison!

September 23, 1779

Her name was Duc de Duras, and she was a nondescript wooden cargo ship. The French East India Company built her in 1765 for far East trading, and if that had been the extent of her life she'd be long forgotten by now.

For a little over 10 years, she led an uneventful life as a merchant ship, sailing back and forth between France and the Orient. But she was destined for a place in history.

In the late 1770's war was raging between England and her American colonies. King Louis XVI of France was more than happy to join the colonists against his old enemy in Britain. He bought the Duc de Duras, converted her to a warship, and turned her over to the fledgling American navy.

She was renamed, and began her new life as the Bonhomme Richard, under the command of John Paul Jones.

Her story is known to most American schoolchildren. 232 years ago today an American and British squadron met in a remarkably vicious battle off Flamborough Head, England. Although other ships were involved, the main action was between the Bonhomme Richard and the Serapis. Initially the Serapis was winning, and at one point the British asked if Jones had surrendered. His immortal reply was "I have not yet begun to fight!"

On a bloody evening which saw almost half the crews of both ships killed, the Serapis eventually surrendered after a pitched battle and boarding action. The Bonhomme Richard, however, was so badly damaged that she was abandoned, and Jones had to make Serapis* his flagship. The Bonhomme Richard drifted away, sinking sometime the next day.

The Bonhomme Richard, to this day, remains one of the few holy grails of lost ships. As underwater technology has improved more famous ones are found. Titanic. Bismarck. Scharnhorst. Yorktown. Yamato. Ark Royal. Portland. All within the last 25 years.

But the Bonhomme Richard, like the Santa Maria, stubbornly remains hidden. Several well-funded, high-tech expeditions have searched the area where it's thought she sank. They use computers to predict 1779 drift patterns. Side scan sonar to image the seabed. They send down cameras and divers to investigate targets- and still have nothing.

But the answer may have already been found, by an English salvage diver named John Adams.

In Filey Bay, England, there's a mysterious wooden shipwreck. Adams discovered it in 1975 while recovering a fishing net, and year in & out since then has worked to identify it. But poor visibility, a limited diving season, and money have kept the ship a mystery. How it got there also remains unknown, as there's no record of a large wooden ship sinking in the bay.

And yet:

The wreck is a large wooden ship, built in the mid-18th century. Radiocarbon dating of a length of rope gave a likelihood of it being within 10 years of 1767.

The rough design of the wreck matches that used by France for trading ships sailing to the far East.

Worm damage to the hull shows that it spent time in oriental waters- Like the Duc de Duras.

The wreck, although broken into several pieces, is roughly the same total length as the Bonhomme Richard.

The wreck has extensive fire damage. As did the Bonhomme Richard from the battle.

There is no record of a large wooden ship - other than the Bonhomme Richard - sinking in that area.


All the computer models say the Bonhomme Richard drifted out to the North Sea and sank several miles off the coast. And maybe she did, and has yet to be found.

Or maybe the computers are wrong. And the ghost ship in Filey Bay is one of the most famous in history.


*The Americans turned the Serapis over to the French, who used her as a privateer. She was destroyed by an accidental fire in 1781 off Madagascar. Her remains were found by divers in 1999.

Today's mail

There is absolutely NOTHING that can make you feel more inadequate as a parent than an issue of "Working Mom" magazine. It came today, and always has stories like this:

"In this issue we feature Suzy Oveur-Cheever. Suzy spends time at home raising her 2 lovely daughters, is active on her school board, and helps deliver meals to poor families. In addition she's developed a new technique for DNA recombination that led to a breakthrough for cancer and is helping to excavate a 2000 year old shipwreck in the Red Sea. Last week she was confirmed to the U.S. Supreme Court, and will be taking her daughters to Oslo next year to pick up her Nobel Prize after solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. In this issue she'll be sharing her recipe for brownies and showing us her homemade Halloween decorations."