Great speech therapy reports

Life is a highway

Mr. Octane: "I need a note saying I had a doctor's appointment."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, for your job?"

Mr. Octane: "No, for the police."

Dr. Grumpy: "The police?"

Mr. Octane: "I got a speeding ticket on the way here."

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't write notes for that."

Mr. Octane: "If I hadn't been speeding I would have been late."

Dr. Grumpy: "You came in 15 minutes after your scheduled appointment time."

Mr. Octane: "Well, I would have been later."

Stating the obvious

Last year, for those of you who missed it, a large potato-chip company had a nationwide contest to come up with a new flavor.

So, although the contest is over, there are still some bags of chips announcing the results out there. Yesterday, at a Boy Scout meeting, some bags were opened and I noticed this on one. It showed the top 5 ingredient suggestions people had sent in for a new potato chip flavor:

I want to know how "potato" is the 2nd most popular ingredient suggestion. I mean, they're freakin' potato chips! While I like bacon, it's certainly not the first ingredient I think of if someone says "what should we use to make potato chips?"

And chocolate? Yeah, I know someone was selling chocolate covered potato chips over the holidays. But even chocolate has its limitations, and I'm not dipping it in ranch dressing or guacamole.

Ironic placement of a promoted tweet

CME har de har har

Patient Quote of the Day

"I have very little memory that I forgot that, whatever it was."

Tonight on National Geographic

These majestic creatures are some of the most faithful, devoted, servants a medical office will ever have. They endure daily burdens. They get twisted, tilted, leaned upon, smashed into desks and filing cabinets, and never complain about their lot in life.

Eventually, as happens to all things, their time comes to an end. Sometimes they tilt too far. Or stop rolling. Or dump their once-loyal masters one too many times.

And then, because no one seems to ever want to take them outside, or thinks that someday they'll have time to fix them, they go to their final, secretive, resting place:

This picture is a rare peek at the mysterious chair graveyard in the back of the Grumpy/Pissy medical compound. Every medical office, however, has one of these rooms. Every law office. Every office in general.

As the years go by they're joined by outdated computers, broken printers, seasonal decorations, telephones, and other aging items. Why we keep them is a mystery. Perhaps because no one wants to take them to the dumpster, or the recycling place. Or we're hoping the Smithsonian will call, needing one for their "Prehistoric Offices" display. Or we're simply afraid to toss them, with a strange belief that someday they'll magically fix or update themselves.

Anyone need a chair?

Attitude

Dr. Grumpy: "Also, since you had a seizure, you'll have to stop driving for 2 months."

Mrs. Imspecial: "That's ridiculous. My husband is a doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, but that doesn't change anything. The law is pretty clear. No driving until you've been seizure-free for 60 days."

Mrs. Imspecial: "I'm married to a doctor. You work with him at the hospital. I'm sure there's some exemption you can get for me."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, there isn't. The only thing that matters here is that you had a seizure."

Mrs. Imspecial: "I'm very busy with our kids, and don't have time for such nonsense. My husband is a doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "That doesn't place you above the law. Think about what would happen to the kids if you had a seizure while driving."

Mrs. Imspecial: "Don't play scare games with me. I'll have to get a second opinion. I can't believe he referred me to you. He's a doctor, you know."

Font issues

Dear Biogen,

Thank you for your Avonex demo pack.

In a recent nonscientific survey, 8 out of 11 people thought the C and L were a little too close together, and read the box somewhat differently.

Relevance

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Heme: "My grandmother once had a blood clot in her nose. It was really gross, too. With snot and everything."

2:17 a.m.

My cell phone rings.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Officer Peel: "Hi, doctor, this is Officer Peel, of the Grumpyville police. Sorry to wake you."

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you?"

Officer Peel: "Do you know a lady named Dee Mentia?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, she's one of my patients. Actually, she's in Local Hospital at the moment, with pneumonia."

Officer Peel: "Yeah, she keeps calling 911 from her hospital room and says she's being held hostage in your basement."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh my..." (starts laughing) "Do you need to come search my basement?"

Officer Peel: "Nah, but can you do something to stop her? The 911 operators are busy enough as it is."

Dr. Grumpy: "Will do, sorry."

Office Peel: "Thanks. Have a good night, doc."

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Flush: "Hi, I have an appointment in 20 minutes with Dr. Grumpy, and won't be able to make it. My kid clogged the toilet, and it's backed up all over the floor. I have to stay here and wait for the emergency plumber."

Mary: "Okay, that's fine. Just call us when you have time to reschedule and..."

Mrs. Flush: "I will. Are you going to charge me for the last minute cancel? I can text you a picture if you need proof."

Seen in a hospital chart

Helluva long week.

Saturday afternoon

I'm on the weekend Costco run with Craig.


Mrs. Patient: "Hi, Dr. Grumpy!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Mrs. Patient. Good to see you. Stocking up here, too?"

Mrs. Patient: "Yes, me and my friend Cindy came over to get some things."

Cindy: "This is your neurologist?"

Mrs. Patient: "Yes, it's Dr. Grumpy."

Cindy: "Can you tell me about the vaccination schedule for cats? I was thinking of getting a kitten."

Mrs. Patient: "Dr. Grumpy only treats humans."

Cindy: "Well, he's still a doctor isn't he?"

Craig: "Dad, can I get a pizza sample?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure."

Cindy: "You're a doctor and you let your kids eat cheese?"

Mrs. Patient: "Cindy, shut up. I'm sorry, doctor."