Overheard in ER

Mr. Narc: "I need a refill on my Percocet."

Dr. ERP: "Sir, we've discussed this before. I'm not refilling your Percocet."

Mr. Narc: "DAMNIT! I am a close personal friend of Senator Daniel Webster! And I demand you give me more Percocet NOW! Or he will hear about this!"

Dr. ERP: "Okay, tell you what. You get Senator Webster on the phone, and I'll give you some Percocet. I voted for him, and have heard him speak many times, so I know his voice."

Long pause

Mr. Narc: "I'm leaving this dump."

Great Medical Journals

Dear Mr. Contaoi,

Thank you for offering me a free subscription to the prestigious "Pharmaceutical and Medical Packaging News."

Really. I am not making this up.

You have no idea how excited I am to get a complimentary year of your journal. Breaking news on drug packaging trends is crucial to a modern physician. I often lie in bed thinking about topics such as "Paper or Plastic: The Future of Drugstore Bagging" or "Which Side are You On? Bubble Wrap vs. Peanuts." Regrettably, I've always been deeply unfulfilled by the lack of such coverage in run-of-the-mill neurology publications.

Your kind offer is especially timely, as my subscriptions to "American Lunch Trays" and the Pulitzer Prize winning "Condom Wrappers Quarterly" have recently run out.

You'll be hearing from me soon, and I can't wait for my first issue.

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

p.s. You misspelled "development."

BREAKING MEDICAL NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patient quote of the day

"I've now moved here permanently. Until March. Then I'm moving back home."

It's just a jump to the left

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Gregorian: "Yeah, did I have an appointment with the doctor on November 17, 2010?"

Mary: "Let me check... Yes, you did. At 2:30."

Mr. Gregorian: "Was I there?"

Mary: "No, it says you no-showed."

Mr. Gregorian: "Okay, I want to cancel that appointment."

Mary: "Excuse me?"

Mr. Gregorian: "I need to cancel the November 17, 2010 visit. I won't be able to make it."

Mary: "But..."

Mr. Gregorian: "I'll call you back if I need to be seen again."

Helpful children

Every afternoon, about 5 minutes before I get to their school, I send a group text to all 3 kids saying "come outside" to let them know I'm almost there. It goes to all 3, because on any given day I have no idea whose phone is dead/turned off/left at home.

So I got there yesterday. Frank and Marie are standing outside. Marie says "Craig is inside" and they start loading their backpacks into the trunk. Frank and Marie get in the car, and we sit there in the blowing snow, waiting for Craig.

After a few minutes of waiting Marie says "Dad, do you want me to go tell Craig that you're here?"

Mary, bring me another drink.

Dr. Heller: "This is Dr. Heller, with Major Illness Insurance."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I'm trying to get a neck MRI authorized on a lady with a Horner's Syndrome."

Dr. Heller: "Why do you need a neck MRI?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Because the nerves in question go from the brain down the spinal cord, then into the top of the chest, then back up through the neck to the eye. So they can be damaged by problems in the neck, and I need to get a look at the area."

Dr. Heller: "It's ridiculous that the nerve travels so far. It seems unnecessarily complex."

Dr. Grumpy: "Look, I didn't design the system."

The Bionic...

"Steve Austin. Astronaut. A man barely alive. We can rebuild him. We can make him bigger, stronger, poopier, than he was."

Thank you, SMOD!

I'll make a note of it

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Clear: "My mom had one of those things you die from."

And now...

IT WAS A REALLY BAD DAY, OKAY?!!!

No, folks, I don't really feel that way. But after an insane morning I needed to vent to someone, and Siri was the nearest listener.

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Etoh: "Yeah, I need to see Dr. Grumpy about my migraines, and a car accident."

Mary: "Okay... Generally he doesn't see legal cases. Are the 2 related?"

Mrs. Etoh: "Yeah, a migraine caused me to have a car accident, and I need someone willing to testify to that in court."

Mary: "I'm sorry, that isn't the sort of thing Dr. Grumpy does."

Mrs. Etoh: "Well, the police claim it was because my blood alcohol was 5 times the legal limit, so I need to find a neurologist to say it was falsely that high because of a migraine, and that I hadn't been drinking at all. Will he do that?"

Mary: "No. Have a nice day."

Modern theater

Dr. Grumpy: "How did you get injured?"

Mr. Powerpoint: "I was hiking in Costa Rica, when I fell, and severely lacerated my left arm."

(whips out iPhone)

"This is the mountain I was hiking on."

SWIPE

"Here's the rock I tripped over. That's my blood on it."

SWIPE

"Here's a shot of my arm. You can see the muscles hanging out and everything."

SWIPE

"This is the car my buddy took me in to get help. I made a mess. Greg didn't get his deposit back."

SWIPE

"This is the clinic we found in the nearest town."

SWIPE

"This is the doctor who stitched me up."

SWIPE

"Here's his assistant, when she had her mask off."

SWIPE

"Here's me and Greg going out for beer and shrimp afterwards."

SWIPE

"Here's Greg trying to change my gauze wrap after getting wasted."

SWIPE

"Here's..."

Seriously?

I fully support the NFL's new program "Fuel Up To Play!" with its goal of getting kids to focus more on exercise and healthy eating.

That said, they really could have come up with a better name.

Because my kids came home today with lunchbox stickers for the program that say "FUTP!"

And...