Skool Nerse Time

Ms. Concern: "Hello?"

Mrs. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Nurse Grumpy, the school nurse at Douglas C. Kenney Elementary School, calling about your daughter, Karen."

Ms. Concern: "Yes?"

Mrs. Grumpy: "She took a bite of a friend's sandwich at lunch, and it had peanuts in it. Karen swelled up really badly, and had trouble breathing. I used one of our emergency EpiPens on her. She's much better now, and resting in my office."

Ms. Concern: "Okay. Do I need to send someone to get her?"

Mrs. Grumpy: "Yeah, but I went looking through her medical forms here. Did you know she's seriously allergic to peanuts?"

Ms. Concern: "Oh, yeah, she's been that way since she was five."

Mrs. Grumpy: "But on the allergy form you filled out just 2 weeks ago you wrote 'no allergies'!"

Ms. Concern: "That's because I don't have time for school paperwork."

Mrs. Grumpy: "Well, it really helps to have an accurate medical history, for when things like this happen."

Ms. Concern: "Her pediatrician knows, and I know. Why does it have to be your business, too?"

Mrs. Grumpy (sigh): "Do you have an EpiPen for her at home?"

Ms. Concern: "Of course. I keep two of them here."

Mrs. Grumpy: "Well can you please bring one to school? So we have it available in case this happens again?"

Ms. Concern: "They both expired years ago."

On the radio

This is the recording of an actual phone call to a Fargo radio station earlier this month.





Thank you, Tanya!

Family

Mr. Spouse: "What kind of side effects does this have?"

Dr. Grumpy: "A few. It can cause nightmares..."

Mr. Spouse: "Hell, so can my mother-in-law."

Literally

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Clock: "My dad died early."

Dr. Grumpy: "Like in his 20's? Or 30's?"

Mr. Clock: "No, I mean between 4:00 and 5:00 in the morning."

Mary's desk, October 16, 2012

At the check-out desk.

Mary: "All right, so your follow-up appointment is next month, here's a reminder card... and this is your receipt for today's co-pay... Annie will call you to schedule the tests... Anything else?"

Mr. Suit: "Could you please fax something for me?"

Mary: "Sure, is it the form the doctor filled out?"

Mr. Suit: "No, it's this business report." (opens briefcase, pulls out HUGE folder and a list of fax numbers) "I need you to send a copy to my company's New York office, another to Calgary, one to Los Angeles, and..."

Mary: "Um, no. I thought it was something for your medical care. That sort of thing you'll have to have your own secretary do."

Mr. Suit: "Well, she's busy preparing reports like this."

Nigel? Are you out there?

I was doing an epilepsy survey last night and suddenly realized that

(drumroll)

This survey goes up to 11!!!

Coincidence

Mary usually shows up around 7:30 each morning. Today, at about 7:45, she called my cell.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, you okay?"

Mary: "Yeah, but I'm stuck in traffic, there's a big wreck at 12th and Carson. Looks like a blue car smashed into a truck, and the intersection is closed. It's going to be a while. Sorry."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm glad you're okay. Don't worry about it. I'll see you when you get here."

I wandered up to her desk and got paperwork ready for the new patient coming at 8:00, then began looking through some MRI reports. As I was sitting there a voicemail came in:

"Hi, I have an appointment 8:00, and I'm not going to be able to make it.  Some asshole in a blue car rear-ended my truck on Carson street on the way to your office and..."

Picture day

Yesterday we made our usual weekend run to Costco to load up on Diet Coke and other life sustaining nutrients.

Starting in October, Costco puts up large displays of Christmas trees and other holiday home decorations, some of which can be quite elaborate, to show people how the items look out of the box.

As we walked around we noticed 2-3 families, each with their kids nicely dressed up in Christmas-type outfits. They were posing the youngsters in front of the displays and taking pictures for family Christmas cards.

Advantages of getting a flu shot

At your friend the pediatrician's office: Cool band-aids!

Patient quote of the day

"When things are the same they're the same, but when they're different they're not the same."

Practice makes perfect

I'm examining Mr. Patient, with his wife sitting off to the side.


Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, hold your hands out in front, like this... now close your eyes... good, now open your eyes, and tap your right fingers like this... okay, now your left fingers..."


Out of the corner of my eye I notice Mrs. Patient doing the same things I'm asking her husband to do.


Dr. Grumpy: "Ma'am, why are you doing that?"

Mrs. Patient: "Just practicing, in case I ever need to see a neurologist."

Great moments in Jewish parenting

"DAD! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE THAT YOU TOOK AWAY MY NINTENDO 3DS! YOU TOOK AWAY MY DIGNITY TOO! THIS IS WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE ONE OF THE MACCABEES, WHEN PHARAOH MADE THEM WORSHIP HIS GODS AND MADE THEM SLAVES AND JUDAH SAW THE BURNING BUSH FOR 8 DAYS AND SENT MOSES WITH A MENORAH TO TELL THE ROMANS TO LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!"

Mary's desk, October 9, 2012

Mrs. Bulova: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, Mrs. Bulova. This is Mary, at Dr. Grumpy's office. I'm calling because you're 10 minutes late for your appointment, and you're always punctual. So I wanted to make sure everything is okay."

Mrs. Bulova: "That can't be! My appointment is at 2:30, and my watch says it's only 1:15 now!"

Mary: "I'm sorry, but it's actually 2:40. I can re-schedule you, though. Maybe your watch is broken? Or you need to wind it?"

Mrs. Bulova: "It's funny, I noticed last night that it said 1:15 while I was having dinner, and it said the same thing later when I was getting ready for bed, and also this morning, when I woke up. I thought that was weird, but it makes sense now."

Reasons to keep beer in the break room

Like most offices, we have stuff on the front counter. A clipboard with a sign-in sheet. A little clock. A pen holder. A plastic & metal cow-like thing that shows the date. Business card holders.

Yesterday a lady came in for an appointment, towing 3 toddlers with her. After signing in she took everything except the clipboard off the counter and handed them to her kids to play with!

When Mary asked her to put them back, she got angry and said "You act like this is my problem, that your office doesn't have stuff around to keep kids busy."

For those of you wondering: No. Neither of us sees kids in our practices.