Oh yeah, that one

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Vague: "My sister has that one disease, it makes you sick. You know which one I mean?"

Bad idea #1

There are worse things than driving drunk. Butt not many.

Thank you, Webhill!

Bad idea #2

I hope they didn't get to the "Hot Wax Undercarriage" treatment.

Thank you, Bob!

Great ad placement

Thank you, Rachel!

Mary's desk, April 4, 2012

New patient signs in up front.

Mary: "Hi, I need to get a copy of your insurance card."

Mrs. Paranoid: "I don't carry my card with me. Someone might steal it."

Mary: "Okay, but we need your information to bill your insurance."

Mrs. Paranoid: "I have Medicare."

Mary: "Okay, then can I get your Social Security number so we can bill them?"

Mrs. Paranoid: "I can't give you that. How do I know you won't still my identity, or sell it to someone who will?"

Mary: "We need some way of billing your insurance for the visit. Otherwise you'll have to pay cash today."

Mrs. Paranoid: "This is ridiculous that you treat people this way."

Leaves.

Wait...

Mr. Sugar: "I have diabetes, but it's controlled with diet. I don't take anything for it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. Are you on medication for anything?"

Mr. Sugar: "I take Metformin, Actos, and Insulin."

Time for another advertising quiz

This picture:




A. Some flick about a romance between a doctor and football player.

B. Boy, Dell is really going avant-garde in their new commercials.

C. She makes porn movies of herself & drunk quarterbacks on her laptop, and sells them online.

D. Um... L'Oréal ad? She really needs something for better hair control. Or is she a medusa?

E. Is a computer-guided system to help the center guy at the bottom scrape dog shit off his shoe.

F. Why is her white coat billowing up like that? Is it starched? Is she gassy? Hey, does she even have pants on?

G. An ad for an ultrasound needle-guidance system.

"Uh, no, officer, that's my, um, girlfriend"

I think this would make a great ad for Honda. "The new Civic: more back seat room than Toyota."

Thank you, Kimm!

Patient quote of the weekend

"I've been having headaches, you know, and like, stuff that I get with them, you know, all that stuff that happens with my headaches, like, you know, it hurts, and I don't feel good and stuff, you know, and like, can you do stuff about this? You know, like, pills or stuff or something?"

And, as usual, this call came in at around 3:00 a.m.

Random Sunday pictures

Time to hit the email bag for shots you guys have sent me.


First, this screenshot shows the dangers of having your site truncated by browser software:






Next we have this snack bar:



I think I'll just have the plain cheese pizza, hold the toppings.



And here's a fine example of (probably artisanal) coffee:



It might be really good, but if I were at a coffee place and a guy said to me "Hey! Would you like to taste mysore nuggets?" I'd probably run. Fast.



Next is a beer that believes in truth in advertising:






Here's an ad for a resort's play facility:



They apparently have a higher opinion of 6-week-old human motor skills than I do.



This is from an interview with a Best Buy executive, describing company plans. I don't understand this, which is why I guess I'm not an MBA. In fact, it sounds like a story from the Onion.





To show yet another irritating overuse of the word "artisan" we have this mass-produced vinyl barbecue cover:





And finally, since it is April 1, here's one of my favorite pranks ever:

North American Idol

While I generally don't promote artists other than myself (trust me, medicine is an art more than a science) sometimes I simply MUST do so.

Witness, please, this truly remarkable cop-cam performance by Mr. Robert Wilkinson, a Canadian gentleman. In an attempt to convince a police officer that he was not inebriated, Mr. Wilkinson did what any sober person would do: belt out a complete a cappella rendition of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" (okay, so he briefly used the windows as drums, but it was quick) in the squad car.

It's worth watching the entire thing. I promise.






One night in medical school, after a round of tests, I performed a stirring rendition of "My Way" at a now-defunct karaoke bar. Afterwards my roommate Enzyme commented, "Dude, you can't carry a tune worth shit. But boy, can you sing." Mr. Wilkinson demonstrates that statement better than I ever could.

Thank you, Tanya!

Dear Local Pharmacy,

Thanks for your recent refill request on Ms. Andrews. I've signed and faxed it back.

I'm used to seeing notes on these things (usually mixed with the patients' names) as reminders to your staff. I've seen "John Smith - Always double count pills" and "Lisa - give her dog a treat - Jones" and "hearing impaired - Michael Harris."

And I'm aware it's important that your tech know if a patient should have a childproof cap, or one that's easy to pop off.

But it just doesn't sound good when I get a request for a lady named "Suzy 'Easy Opening' Andrews."

Thank you,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Today's news

"No, Reverend, it's perfectly normal to be hanging curtains in your vegetable pantry while buck naked."

Thank you, Steve!

Methuselah

Every March Mr. Patient needs me to re-file paperwork so he can get his medication for another year.

This year, pissed off at the endless forms, I wrote "HE WILL TAKE THIS FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE! PLEASE AUTHORIZE FOR MORE THAN ONE YEAR!!!"

Apparently I got someone's attention.

(click to enlarge)