Memories

Recently my colleague Sufu, who's in medical school, emailed me about the issues with learning to hear heart sounds.

It brought back memories of a lecture I had back in medical school, when a cardiology professor delivered these helpful quotes:

"This type of murmur sounds like a snowflake landing on a feather."

"You can practice mimicking heart sounds by tapping on Kleenex."

"If you think you heard this murmur, you didn't."

"I've never heard that heart sound, so I don't believe it really exists."

"If you can imagine the sound dandelions make as you blow seeds off them, you should be able to hear this murmur."

Looks like you're on the couch tonight

Mr. Lumbar: "When the leg pain gets really bad it makes driving unsafe."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why? Does the leg get weak?"

Mr. Lumbar: "No, because then my wife has to take the wheel, and she's dangerous."

Law and Order

Today's legal tip:

1. In a criminal case, you should have an attorney represent you, and not do it yourself.

2. If you do it yourself, and lose, you should not try to appeal on the grounds that you were incompetent at doing so.

Thank you, Officer Cynical!

Mary's desk, February 29, 2012

Mr. Irritant: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, this is Mary, calling from Dr. Grumpy's office. Your MRI is back, and so I'm calling to schedule your EMG."

Mr. Irritant: "Did he tell you that? Or are you just wanting him to do the test?"

Mary: "He told me to schedule it, sir. He says that the MRI didn't show a cause for your arm symptoms, so he needs to do an EMG to see if there's any damage in the arm itself."

Mr. Irritant: "Can he get on the phone himself and tell me this? I don't trust you desk people."

Mary: "I can have him call you later, but he's with a patient right now."

Mr. Irritant: "I want to hear it from him. I know you desk people work on commission based on tests you schedule."

Today's criminal tip

After you attempt to rob a bank, don't immediately go back to use the ATM.

Thank you, Tanya!

Good to know

Mrs. Definite: "My father died of prostate cancer. But I'm trying not to worry about it because my gynecologist reassured me I don't have one."

Great outdoorsmen

Somehow I don't think it was planned like that.

More from drug companies

This picture:

(click to enlarge)




A. Is an ad for "Monsters vs. Aliens 2"

B. Shows that evil robots and pastel dragons are now approved in the U.S.

C. Makes you wonder what Dr. Grumpy has been smoking.

D. Oh crap, not another Pokemon movie. My kid has enough of that shit already.

E. Is the reason I shouldn't eat grumpyberry pie and ice cream before bed.

F. Is an ad for an epilepsy drug.

Euphemism

Dr. Grumpy: "Any problems on the new medication?"

Mr. Von Braun: "I can raise the missile, but can't launch a warhead."

Money well spent

Mr. Mercury: "I'm always concerned about my blood pressure. I have a blood-pressure machine at home, and I even travel with it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where do your pressures usually run?"

Mr. Mercury: "I don't know. I've never used it."

Great captcha moments

While commenting on another blog recently, I got this verification word:






I'm trying not to take it personally.

Memories...

One year we returned from vacation a day early, because of a problem with one of our dogs. My parents had taken him to the vet for us, and Mrs. Grumpy wanted to rush home and get him (he was her baby).

The vet's office was closed for the weekend when we got back, but they'd told us the 20-something girl who stayed with the pets overnight would let us in to get Fido, since it was a special circumstance and we were established clients.

Anyway, we came by, and she let me in to get the dog. I had some questions, and was talking to her in the lobby for a few minutes. Her shirt was on inside-out, but I didn't pay much attention to it until a naked guy came wandering out of the back and said, "Hey, don't leave me hanging... Oh, sorry" and ran back.

She blushed. I took the dog and left.

Dr. Grumpy at his finest

A while back I was called to the hospital to see a guy with a stroke affecting his language cortex. He wasn't able to talk at all. He didn't have any weakness or other issues, just couldn't speak.

It was a pretty notable stroke on MRI. I spent some time talking to his wife, then went home.

The next day I was absolutely shocked when I was on rounds, and he got in the elevator with me! He looked great, was dressed in his street clothes, and I began talking to him. His speech was excellent. It was the most remarkable recovery I'd ever seen in such a a short time.

It was the patient's identical twin brother, coming to visit him.


I'm legendary for my stellar performances on rounds. This was another one.

Oh for hell's sake!

Thank you, Caya!