Medical research

A number of studies have addressed withdrawal issues, covering alcohol, tobacco, and controlled drugs. A review of the literature, however, shows a surprising lack of research into other addictions. In an attempt to rectify this situation I'm publishing the following data, addressing a transient, yet debilitating, condition.

For the purposes of assessment, and for possible use in future cases, a grading system was developed for this paper. It was based on the World Objective Zeitgeist Joint Organizational Bureaucratic System (WOZJOBS) staging scale data.


Case report:

A middle-aged neurologist recently left his MacBook Pro overnight at the Apple Store for repairs. Over the next several hours he underwent a gradual series of decompensations, which are presented here.

Stage 1: Minor inconvenience. "I can live without my computer for a few hours." Reads paper mail, realizes it's all junk advertising real estate agents, car dealers, and grocery stores.

Stage 2: Needs alternative. Finds things around house which weren't previously noticed: books, magazines, children, pets, spouse. Fingertips begin tingling.

Stage 3: Decides to go online with iPad. Discovers it was left at the office. Considers 1 hour drive through snow back into dangerous downtown area after dark to get it. Finds that spouse let air out of car tires to prevent this. Hyperventilates.

Stage 4: Tries to use iPhone to send long emails and write blog posts, discovers it's not particularly well suited to this. Sprains thumb.

Stage 5: Desperation. Diaphoretic & dyspneic. Dusts off old Windows laptop in the back of closet and is able to get online. It freezes up every 2-3 minutes, reminding him why he stopped using Windows in the first place. Blames Steve Jobs for his current state of despair. Spouse administers sedative consisting of caffeine-free Diet Coke laced with an old Vicodin tablet from the medicine cabinet.

After being sedated the subject was tucked into bed, carefully guarded by a pair of 4-legged orderlies. All symptoms resolved the following day after picking up the repaired computer.


Discussion: Computer withdrawal blows. They should be able to carry out all repairs in less than one-fourth the estimated time (like Mr. Scott) and not have to keep it overnight. Also, caffeine-free Diet Coke sucks.

"Hey, you want to land in jail for Valentine's Day?"

Okay, lovebirds, let's keep this in mind: When getting kinky, remember to keep it private.

Technology

Dr. Grumpy: "How are you doing? I heard you were in the hospital?"

Mr. Bag: "Yeah, I had a bad infection down there. They had to filet my scrotum to clean it out."

Dr. Grumpy: "That sounds awful."

Mr. Bag: (whips out phone) "Here's a picture."

Probably the T-shirt guy

Why is Papa Smurf smiling?

More hairs jump off

Dr. Grumpy: "Did anyone else in your family have Hufnagel's Syndrome?

Mrs. Helpful: "My sister did."

Dr. Grumpy: How old was she when she developed it?"

Mrs. Helpful: "She died when she was 38, in a car accident."

Dr. Grumpy: "But how old was she when she developed Hufnagel's Syndrome?"

Mrs. Helpful: "Well, she actually didn't have it. But if she'd lived, I'm sure she'd have gotten it in her 50's"

No! Really?

Dr. Grumpy: "When was your last appointment with Dr. Mortis?"

Mrs. Obvious: "It was before he died."

Love and Rodents

This morning I was looking through the weekend fax machine pile, and found Local Swanky Restaurant had sent over a menu for their "Valentine's Day Special."

It featured this mouth-watering item:



I think we'll just stay home. It's supposed to snow, anyway.

Election 2012

As my readers know, I'm running for President this year.

Now, admittedly, my entire campaign thus far is based on one issue, but yesterday while attending a 9-year-old girl's birthday party with my kids, I came up with a second point.

While I strongly support freedom of expression, I also believe some times are better than others to express your beliefs.

So, if elected President, I promise you this:

Any father who shows up at his 9-year daughter's birthday party wearing a T-shirt that says "IT AIN'T GONNA SUCK ITSELF" with an arrow pointing downwards, will be immediately castrated by specially trained fashion police.

Vote Grumpy, 2012!

Random Saturday pictures

Today I'm going to feature some unrelated, yet thought provoking, shots.


First is this plan posted at a hospital. I think it's particularly important, because when you have to urgently "evacuate" it's good to know where the bathrooms are.






Next is this insanity. When "artisanal" or "handcrafted" aren't enough, they have to pay someone to think of better names. Because just calling it "moisturizer" or "hand lotion" is boring.





On the other hand, it also opens up the possibility of Mrs. Grumpy telling me "Not tonight, honey. Why don't you just rub yourself with some Happy Sensation instead?"



And last, we have this bit of hyperbole from a medical marketing company. Instead of a network or panel of doctors, they have an "organically grown community" of them. Whatever that means.

(click to enlarge)

It's the Benny Hill Show!

Yes, just another day in the life of an undercover cop.

Thank you, Ed!

Crime in America

Hey! I'll pay this guy's bail money if he'll break in to my house!

Thank you, Don!

Take 2

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, have a seat... It looks like I saw you back in 2007, then we got a release saying you were seeing another neurologist."

Mr. Rerun: "Yeah, I didn't think you were that good. But my friend saw you last month, and liked you, so I thought maybe you'd gotten better and came back."

Culture

Dr. Grumpy: "What part of town is best for you to do the testing?"

Mr. Jeopardy: "Down on 3rd street there's an MRI place. It's right across from the Jewish church."

Mary's desk

The new patient signs in up front.

Mary: "Hi, can I get a copy of your insurance card?"

Mr. Card: "I don't have it here. But you said on the phone that you take my insurance."

Mary: "I'm sure we do, but we need a copy of your card to bill."

Mr. Card: "Well, I don't have it. It's Medicare, or maybe Blue Cross. Actually, it could be United. Anyway, it's one of those insurance companies."

Mary: "Okay, but without your card there's a chance you'll end up paying cash for today's visit."

Mr. Card: "I can't afford that. Maybe it's down in my car."

(leaves, 10 minutes go by, comes back)

Mary: "Hi, did you find your card?"

Mr. Card: "No, but I have the info here."

He hands Mary a crumpled McDonald's receipt, with grease stains and an order for 2 Big Macs and fries. On the back he'd scribbled "37642AKT047, expires 7."

Mary: "Do you know what insurance company this is with?"

Mr. Card: "No, but it's one of the big ones. Can't you look it up on the internet?"

Mary: "Sir, we can't accept this in place of an insurance card."

Mr. Card: "Doctors just don't care about people any more."

Leaves.