Today's criminal tip

When someone steals your marijuana stash, don't call the police to report it as "stolen jewelry."

Thank you, Nathan!

Artisanal link

It's been a few months since I had time to collect and publish some of the horrifying bullshit artisanal pictures you guys have been sending in, but I promise I'll get around to it.

In the meantime, here is an awesome site by a kindred spirit who hates the word as much as I do.

Enjoy!

Thank you, YellerDawg!

Zombies! At my office!

At the start of her appointment today Mrs. Married said her husband was running late, but would be coming to the appointment. So I told Mary to send him back when he got here.

A few minutes later he shows up.

She introduced him as "this is my late husband."

Proofreading

I'd like to thank Dani for sending me this bizarre chest X-ray report.

Upstanding Gentleman

Who says chivalry is dead?

Thank you, Lee!

Bad reactions

Mr. Singsing: "I'm allergic to Oxycontin."

Dr. Grumpy: "What happens when you take it?"

Mr. Singsing: "I have no idea, but I woke up in jail."

Hot date?

I'd like to thank Kate, for sending in this item. It was in the Police Records section of her local paper today.

Patient quote of the day

"Doc, I'm 77 this year. Last year I was 76. Next year I'll be 78."

Mary's Desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Reverend Bully: "Yes, this is Reverend Bully, and I need to make an appointment."

Mary: "Okay, what's your insurance?"

Reverend Bully: "Major Illness HMO."

Mary: "Okay, we'll need a referral from your internist, but let me schedule you... We can see you on Friday, at 11:00."

Reverend Bully: "I need to be worked in today."

Mary: "Okay... we don't have anything today. Did your internist speak to Dr. Grumpy about this?"

Reverend Bully: "No, but God told me I needed to be worked in today."

Mary: "All right, but..."

Reverend Bully: "This is God referring me! You can't say no!"

Mary: "Okay, then have God either fax us a referral or talk to Dr. Grumpy personally."

Today's criminal tips

Just remember folks: when burglarizing a store it's always important to sign out of your Facebook page before leaving the scene.

Also: when going door-to-door to show off your winkie, you shouldn't display the goods at the local police chief's house.

Education

Mr. Hedbutt: "Where'd you to go college, doc?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Big State University."

Mr. Hedbutt: "Really?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. Why?"

Mr. Hedbutt: "I'm surprised. Usually Dr. Concierge, my internist, knows better than to refer me to you public school people."

The throne

I'd like to thank my reader, Rose who brought this drug ad to my attention. And Webhill, for her suggestions.


I'm not trying to make light of IBS, or patients with it, but let's face it. This ad could have been done better.

1. This lady is obviously in a public bathroom. So why is she leaving the stall door open?

2. The idea of having her shiny laptop (which looks suspiciously like a MacBook Pro, without the logo) on the skanky bathroom floor is just WRONG. You want to take that stuff back to your desk?

Also, it implies that she's touching it with her hands while on the toilet. A recent British study found that 1 out of every 6 cell phones had fecal material on them, likely from poor handwashing. Adding laptops to this list, given that they often have more than one user, is NOT a good practice.

3. The slogan stinks.

Weekend reruns

I have a nice young lady in my practice who, as far as I can tell, has only made one major mistake in life. She fell in love with, married, and had kids with Mr. Dumb. He later decided he'd rather be a crackhead, and dumped his family in favor of the excitement of living on the street and smoking crack.

So Miss Nicelady heroically soldiers on, dealing with single Mom stuff. She was awarded child support from Mr. Dumb. Unfortunately, this only gets withheld from his paycheck on the rare occasion he's actually working. So it amounts to $20-$30 once every few months, when he finds temporary work as a dishwasher.

So at her appointment today I asked her how things were going. She paused, and then began laughing.

2 months ago she suddenly began getting steady money from his child support withholding- $100 or so every 2 weeks. She was thrilled, and didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Until one night, when some guy she'd never heard of called to see why she was stealing HIS money!

Get this:

Mr. Dumb, trying to get crack money, sold his identity (Social Security Card, Driver's License, etc) to Mr. Dumber for $50.

Mr. Dumber, now hiding under Mr. Dumb's ID, went off and got a job.

And so, when Mr. Dumber began getting paychecks, his salary was withheld and sent to my patient.

Basically, Mr. Dumber paid $50 in order to have $200 a month withheld from his paychecks. How inconsiderate of Mr. Dumb not to have mentioned these minor details to his purchaser.

In addition, Mr. Dumber was also angry at my patient (like it's her fault) because he got pulled over one day, and discovered Mr. Dumb's license was suspended 2 years ago.

Miss Nicelady told me the best part of the whole thing was when Mr. Dumber told her he was going to call the police on her.

Crime in America

When armadillos are outlawed, then only outlaws will have armadillos.

Thank you, Helle!