Crime in America

Words fail me.

Just read it.

Thank you, Deborah!

Highway safety

Dr. Grumpy: "What do you do when you feel a migraine coming on?"

Mrs. Hazard: "Exercise helps. I do some stretching and jog in place for a few minutes, and this keeps it from getting worse."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, so..."

Mrs. Hazard: "And I need a note from you to get me out of this." (pulls out papers).

Dr. Grumpy: "What is this?"

Mrs. Hazard: "It's a traffic ticket."

Dr. Grumpy: "I see that..."

Mrs. Hazard: "I was driving on the freeway and felt a migraine coming. It was rush hour, I didn't know when I'd get home, and the road shoulder was closed for construction. So I stopped in my lane so I could get out and jog in place next to the car, and this highway patrolman gave me a ticket. I don't get it, either, because I'd turned on my hazard lights. The other lane was open, so it wasn't like I was completely blocking traffic."

Random dialing?

My cell phone rings. It's the hospital ID.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Noclue: "Hi, I'm the hospitalist taking care of Mrs. Lois Lane, and I need to refer her to you, for outpatient follow-up."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, how can I help?"

Dr. Noclue: "Do you take Major Illness Insurance?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Dr. Noclue: "Okay, I will give her your number and have her see you in a week. One more question, if I may."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure."

Dr. Noclue: "What is your specialty?"

Amazing coincidence

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you and your brother fraternal or identical twins?"

Mr. Gemini: "Ummm, we're the kind where we both have the same parents."

Mary's desk, April 26, 2011

A new patient filled out our info sheet, with his address and phone number, then handed it back to Mary.

Mr. Patient: "Can you copy that for me?"

Mary: "Excuse me?"

Mr. Patient: 'I want a copy for my own records."

Mary: "Sure... But all it has is your own address and phone number. You just filled it out yourself."

Mr. Patient: "I want a copy of it. I know how you people work."

Today's criminal tip

Let's keep this in mind: when using your driver's license to jimmy open a locked door, you SHOULD NOT leave it there afterwards.

Like this guy.

Thank you, Lisa, for sending this in!

Quality

Sometimes a company stops making a drug, or runs behind, or has a production stoppage for whatever reason.

When this happens I typically get a fax or call from the pharmacy, telling me about the manufacturer's problem, and asking me to change to another product.

I'd like to thank my reader Jenny. When a similar fax showed up at her office, she sent it on to me:

(click to enlarge)

I'd avoid drugs like broccoli and grapefruit

Mr. Nature: "I don't believe in medicines, so my cardiologist is treating me with supplements."

Dr. Grumpy: "Which ones?"

Mr. Nature: "Coumadin and Lipitor."

Things you hear on call

I was on call this weekend, and during my appointed rounds I overheard the following quotes, which you won't normally hear outside a hospital:

"I cleaned it up. I can clean up vomit like nobody's business."

"You should have seen her on the toilet! She pees like a mad woman!"

"He has scabs all over his penis from scratching it. It's gross. There's more scab than penis."

Nurse Night: "I told the lady in room 37 that I liked her hair style."
Nurse Day: "Yeah, I think it's a good one, too."
Nurse Night: "She took it off and handed it to me!"

Sociology 101

Yesterday we took the kids to Local Family Fun Place. As I watched them on a ride, two mid-teen girls went by, and I got to witness this:

First girl: (aggressively picking nose): "I don't like this place. We never meet any cute guys here."

Second girl: "Yeah. I wonder if we'd have more luck at the arcade. BURP!"

First girl: (eats booger) "We'll go there next time."

Random pictures

Due to trouble waking up today, I simply present a pair of pictures.

The first was sent by a reader who says he took this one of a store somewhere on the Iberian peninsula (obviously, he violated their "no pictures" policy, as seen in the bottom left corner).






The second is from a reader who says she was taking an online survey about grocery shopping, and discovered this multiple choice question.

(click to enlarge)

Anatomy

Mr. Notochord: "I have all these tumors! Right there, on my back!"

Dr. Grumpy: (examining patient): "Ummm, okay, where?"

Mr. Notochord: "It's a whole row of them! In a straight line, going down the middle of my back! They're really hard when you press on them."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, those aren't tumors. It's the vertebral bones of your back."

Mr. Notochord: "That's what all the other doctors say, too! Why doesn't anyone believe me that they're tumors?!!! This is so frustrating!"

Today's criminal tip

Look, if you're going to rob a convenience store, IT IS NOT recommended that you hand over a note with your name written on it.

Especially if it's paperwork pertaining to your previous encounters with the law.

Like this guy.

Holy SPF 55, Batman!

I'd like to thank my reader Jeanette, who says this card was mailed to her office recently.

Dear Ms. Rutkowski,

Your business card was forwarded to me by a reader this week.

I must say, that in all the years I've dealt with various answering services, it never occurred to me that the operators lived in tanning beds.





If I'm wrong, and that happens to be your normal skin color, I'd suggest you see a dermatologist. They should be back from New Orleans by now.

p.s. I love the vintage green phone handset.