Mary, bring me a Diet Coke. With rum.

Dr. Grumpy: "Anything going on at home?"

Mrs. Bright: "Just a lot of stress. My husband told me this morning he has a computer virus. I hope my daughter doesn't get it, because she's already missed 5 school days out sick this quarter."

Insurance Company Follies

I'd like to thank Kalie, who sent in this letter she saw from an insurance company.


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Mary's Desk, March 9, 2011

Guy walks in, stands at counter.

Mr. Tardy: "I have an appointment today with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Sir, your appointment was at 10:00, over an hour ago. We have you listed as a no-show."

Mr. Tardy: "I spoke to you this morning, and you said to be here by 10:00, and I told you I'd try."

Mary: "Yes, but you're here at 11:15. I can reschedule you for later this week..."

Mr. Tardy: "Why can't you see me today? Traffic was bad."

Mary: "I understand that, but we're booked solid, and..."

Mr. Tardy: "When I called earlier you didn't even mention that traffic would be a mess today."

Mary: "Sir, I didn't know, but I did tell you to allow extra time."

Mr. Tardy: "This is bullshit. You don't have the courtesy to warn me about traffic conditions, and now you tell me it's MY fault that I'm late. I'm going elsewhere."

Today's fashion tip

If you're getting a haircut, and suddenly find yourself in need of a weapon, I can understand that the scissors being used by the stylist may be the closest thing at hand.

HOWEVER, after you're done stabbing someone with them, it's always important to complete your haircut.

Otherwise you run the risk of having a seriously bad hair day when the police take your mug shot.

Like this guy.

Thank you, Kathryn!

Timing is everything

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I'm Dr. Grumpy."

Patient: "Hello, I'm Lisa Pine."

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you related to Dr. Pine, the oncologist?"

Patient: "No, but I see a lot of his patients."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, are you also a doctor?"

Patient: "No, I'm a mortician."

Mickey? Can you hear me now?

This headline is on the cover of this week's Neurology Today:

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Tinnitus is subjective, and I'm not sure I understand the article's explanation for measuring this. How do you know if a rat hears a ringing in his ears? How do you ask the rat if the ringing does (or doesn't) stop? How do you know if the ringing bothers the rat? How do you know this, Sam I am?

But, then again, I'm not a researcher. Not in a lab, or with a hat, or on a cab, or with a rat.

Pointless link

Normally I don't link to the Onion. I like their stuff, but figure they get enough readers without me. Besides, it's not like they even know I exist.

But, from both a medical and human viewpoint, this article is too damn funny not to share.

Actually, it sounds like one of my patients.

Patient quote of the day

"It looked awful! I had bruising around all of my eyes and noses!"

Monday morning, 3:59 a.m.

"Hi! I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy! My brain is constantly sizzling and the government put a tattoo on my forehead to make people think I'm crazy and the FBI keeps breaking into my house every night to rearrange my shoes and poison me! I need the doctor's help so I can go to the news and tell them this! People need to know that government agents are secretly spraying acid into their ears to eat their brains away and that it will make everything smell like bacon!"

Attention drunk drivers!

If you need a ride home desperately enough to steal (and operate) someone else's car, YOU SHOULD not take one that stands out in a crowd.

Like this guy.

Thank you, Carol!

Stupid dog

It's all Cooper's fault.

Last night we had a lot of rain, which he hates. So he was up pacing and growling, jumping on and off our bed, and randomly barking (he hasn't figured out yet that barking at rain won't make it leave).

At some point Mrs. Grumpy decided to take him to the other end of the house to try and calm him down, and fell asleep on the couch.

As the night progressed the storm scared Craig, who came to our room. When he discovered my wife was missing, he climbed into the bed and fell asleep.

Then Marie woke up. When she realized her partner-in-crime was missing, she came to our room. She found him, and got into bed, too.

Frank got up to pee, and noticed the twins were gone. So he came to our room, discovered the situation, and jumped into the bed.

After the storm ended Cooper and Snowball came down to the bedroom, and jumped up with the rest of us.

I woke up early this morning with my left arm and leg, and most of my body, hanging off the bed because I'd been pushed off. And I was freezing cold because the kids had taken all the covers.

Mrs. Grumpy got a good night's sleep on the couch.

Stupid dog.

But wait! There's more!

Ok, it's time for more of your submissions showing the insane overuse of the word "artisan" and it's derivatives these days.

Before we get started, I should note that many of you have recently sent in excerpts from the J. Crew catalog using the words to describe their clothing, fabrics, and (for all I know) toilet paper. There were just too many of those to choose from.


First, I'd like to thank Doris for submitting a special banner for me to use here.




And we're off!

For those of you who find your nose is easily offended by generic pseudo-pheromone smells, there's now artisan cologne:



Need something artisanal for your artisanal home? Maybe you should visit:







If you can't afford the premium charged by companies for using the word "artisan" (usually it seems to be a 50% or more mark-up) you can get discounted artisanal products with on-line coupons.






After the cheese, maybe you'd like some chocolate.





If you've had too much cheese and chocolate, you might need to see a dentist.






And while YOU may get to enjoy artisanal products, let's not forget about your best friend.




At this point, I think it's time for all this artisanal overuse to STOP!

Attention patients!

When I ask if you're taking Coumadin, PLEASE remember that you are BEFORE I start putting needles in you for an EMG, not suddenly saying "Oh, wait, I think I am taking Coumadin" as blood goes flying everywhere.

Thank you.

Dear Sam's Club,

Thank you for the letter I received yesterday, notifying me that the Christmas cookie trays we bought last year, for office and family parties, have been recalled due to "undeclared food coloring ingredients".


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From what I can see on your website, it was a nationwide recall. So I'm sharing the letter with my readers, in case they still have some Christmas cookies lying around.

Your letter requests that I return the cookies to my local Sam's Club. After carefully questioning family members and employees as to their current whereabouts, I am unable to bring them back to your store at this time.

If it's absolutely critical that you get the cookies back, I suggest you contact the Grumpyville Sewage Treatment Facility. I think they give tours on Mondays.

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

P.S. Mary says you can have them (and some PB M&M's) back by doing liposuction on me.