Phone message, Sunday night, 9:55 p.m.

"Hi, this is Myra Noshow. I'm reviewing my calenders, and found I missed an appointment with Dr. Grumpy on July 25, 2007, at 1:30. I just called to say I'm sorry. Thank you."

More amazing research

Yes, folks, in a study that's going to shock you, the Journal of Psychological Science is reporting that psychopaths have:

(drumroll, please)

Difficulty with social behaviors!

Really. They did a study to learn this.

Here's the article.

Thank you, Doris, for sending this in!

Grumpy, reversed

Obviously, I can only tell the story from the office side of patient interactions. But weirdness goes both ways, as my reader Webhill recently wrote me:


I was at home last week, when my phone rang.

Webhill: "Hello?"

Miss Hyper: "Hi! I'm calling from Dr. Nutstaff's office to remind you of your appointment tomorrow."

Webhill: "Huh? I don't have an appointment with Dr. Nutstaff tomorrow. It's on Thursday.".

Miss Hyper: "Oh, yeah. Whenever it is. I'm calling about it."

Webhill: "Okay, what about it?"

Miss Hyper: "I'm calling to remind you about it."

Me: "Okay... Anything else?"

Miss Hyper: "Nope! See you tomorrow!"

Webhill: "I don't have an appointment tomorrow!"

Miss Hyper: "I was just saying that. You know what I mean. When did you say you're appointment is?"

Webhill: "Thursday at 11:30."

Miss Hyper: "Yes, whenever it is. I just wanted to call and remind you."

Webhill: "Thank you for reminding me."

Miss Hyper: "You're welcome. Have a nice day."

Great pharmacy moments

I stopped by the pharmacy last night to pick up my Sarcasma prescription, and was waiting in line.


Mrs. Scope: "I have a few questions about this."

Cash register girl: "Sure. Why don't you step over to the counseling window for privacy, and the pharmacist will be right with you?"

Mrs. Scope: "Oh, for crying out loud. You just handed me a humungous plastic Golytely container. Unless everyone else in line is blind, they've figured out what I'm having next week."

Now THIS is news

With all the hoopla over the election results this week, people are losing track of what constitutes REAL news stories.

Thank you to Stargirl65 for sending this in, as it reminds us of the stories that are really important when keeping track of the world around us.

I'm just putting up the link. Because I can't think of anything I could say about this that would make it any more amazing. Be sure to read the whole story, and not just the synopsis.

Click here.

Taking legal action

As you may remember, Dr. Pissy's dog and I had a conflict earlier this week. So today I put this letter on his desk...


Craven, Cretin, & Klutz, P.C.
Attorneys at Law

November 5, 2010

I. M. Pissy, M.D.
7291 N. Headache St.
Grumpyville, CX 34611

RE: Legal Action of Grumpy vs. Pissy

Dear Dr. Pissy,

Our firm has been retained by Dr. Grumpy in a legal action against you pursuant to the events of November 1, 2010.

On that date a canine possession of yours ("Fancy") pooped in Dr. Grumpy's exam room. This is in violation of federal regulations #1, #7, and #3,748,425-A, and caused Dr. Grumpy severe emotional denoberation, mental discombobulation, oderiferous substance exposure, fulminant social embarrassment, and a bunch of other polysyllabic words.

After careful consideration of legal options, including a $10 billion lawsuit for emotional damages, we've decided on the following out-of-court settlement:

"Blackdog", a 65 lbs. canine possession of Dr. Grumpy's of undetermined genetic nature (i.e. a "mutt"), shall be allowed into YOUR exam room to poop on the floor following lunch on November 10, 2010. Laxatives will be used to ensure the settlement is equitable.

If this settlement is acceptable to you, please have your attorney call their attorney who will then call our attorney who will then notify us, and we will make the necessary arrangements to transport Blackdog.

We hope this resolves the issue. Please contact us for any questions.

Your's truly,

Oksana "Oksi" Kontin
Legal Assistant to Mr. Klutz.

Land shark

The medical world is unpredictable. Patients (and doctors) sometimes get angry for no good reason.

Veterinarians deal with crazy humans, but also run the risk of being attacked by pets. Most 4-legged things bite.

But when you hear about staff at a vet's office being bitten, you DON'T expect another homo sapiens to be involved.

Until now.

Yes, folks, a lady in Florida brought her Shih-Tzus to the vet for grooming. And when they weren't ready as fast as she wanted them to be, she went canine on the staff, biting them repeatedly.

I'm not making this up. Here's the story.

It doesn't say if she's up-to-date on her shots, but I suspect she'll be quarantined for a while.

Thank you, Jackie, for sending this in.

Great office moments

Dr. Grumpy: "What kind of work did you used to do?"

Mr. Tympanic "What?"

Dr. Grumpy: "What Kind Of Work Did You Used To Do?"

Mr. Tympanic (looks at wife) "What did he say?"

Lady Tympanic: "HE ASKED YOU WHAT KIND OF WORK YOU USED TO DO!!!"

Mr. Tympanic: "Oh, I tested explosives."

Medical miracles

Wow! A new study done by Belch drug company found that their epilepsy drug is most effective when combined with their OTHER epilepsy drug (but not when combined with their competitors' drugs).

Who could have seen that coming?

Great parents

Mrs. Tude: "I think you know my daughter, Cindy. She works at the hospital."

Dr. Grumpy: "Maybe... What does she look like?"

Mrs. Tude: "A lot like me, except she's fatter and uglier."

I'm SO flattered

This was on a new patient form yesterday afternoon.

Puttin' on the ritz

Dr. Pissy's wife has a little black mop of a dog named Fancy. Mrs. Pissy is never without her.

Yesterday one of Dr. Pissy's staff was out, so Mrs. Pissy came in to help. And, of course, she brought Fancy.

Fancy spent most of the time trapped in the break room, but during lunch was allowed to roam the office since there weren't any patients.

After she was cooped up again I brought my 1:00 back, and gave him directions. "Go on back, 2nd room on the right, have a seat and I'll be with you in a sec" (I wanted to get a Diet Coke).

So after I had a can, I headed back to my office. The patient was standing in the hallway.

"Uh, doc, do you know there's a pile of dog shit in your office?"

Mary's Desk, November 1, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Mary."

Ms. Nitpick: "Yes, I'd like to make a follow-up with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, we have a 4:30 tomorrow afternoon."

Ms. Nitpick: "That won't work. It's too early. How about 5:00?"

Mary: "No, I'm sorry, but the doctor leaves at 5:00 each day to do hospital work."

Ms. Nitpick: "What about 4:45?"

Mary: "Our last follow-up slot is at 4:30."

Ms. Nitpick: "What about 4:35?"

Early morning hospital rounds

Phil is an old patient of mine. He's demented, and on the occasions where he lands in the hospital he becomes confused and hallucinates.

So whenever he's in I drop by to make things aren't getting out of hand.

Last night, while out trick-or-treating, I got called from ER. He was coming in for breathing problems, and they wanted me to do my usual visit in case he flakes out.

So on my way into the office this morning I swung by the hospital.


Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Phil. How ya doin'?"

Phil: "Dr. Grumpy! Thank God you're here!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Phil: "I've been having TERRIBLE problems with your staff."

Dr. Grumpy: "Really? What happened?"

Phil: "Mary and Annie came to visit me last night!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh-huh..." (this is already a bad sign. Neither of them lives anywhere near the hospital).

Phil: "Mary held me down! And then Annie beat me up! And then they poisoned my coffee! You need to do something about this!"


I can't wait till Mary and Annie come in today and I can ask what they did for Halloween. I'd naively assumed they were out with their kids, too.