More amazing research

Yes, folks, in a study that's going to shock you, the Journal of Psychological Science is reporting that psychopaths have:

(drumroll, please)

Difficulty with social behaviors!

Really. They did a study to learn this.

Here's the article.

Thank you, Doris, for sending this in!

Grumpy, reversed

Obviously, I can only tell the story from the office side of patient interactions. But weirdness goes both ways, as my reader Webhill recently wrote me:


I was at home last week, when my phone rang.

Webhill: "Hello?"

Miss Hyper: "Hi! I'm calling from Dr. Nutstaff's office to remind you of your appointment tomorrow."

Webhill: "Huh? I don't have an appointment with Dr. Nutstaff tomorrow. It's on Thursday.".

Miss Hyper: "Oh, yeah. Whenever it is. I'm calling about it."

Webhill: "Okay, what about it?"

Miss Hyper: "I'm calling to remind you about it."

Me: "Okay... Anything else?"

Miss Hyper: "Nope! See you tomorrow!"

Webhill: "I don't have an appointment tomorrow!"

Miss Hyper: "I was just saying that. You know what I mean. When did you say you're appointment is?"

Webhill: "Thursday at 11:30."

Miss Hyper: "Yes, whenever it is. I just wanted to call and remind you."

Webhill: "Thank you for reminding me."

Miss Hyper: "You're welcome. Have a nice day."

Great pharmacy moments

I stopped by the pharmacy last night to pick up my Sarcasma prescription, and was waiting in line.


Mrs. Scope: "I have a few questions about this."

Cash register girl: "Sure. Why don't you step over to the counseling window for privacy, and the pharmacist will be right with you?"

Mrs. Scope: "Oh, for crying out loud. You just handed me a humungous plastic Golytely container. Unless everyone else in line is blind, they've figured out what I'm having next week."

Now THIS is news

With all the hoopla over the election results this week, people are losing track of what constitutes REAL news stories.

Thank you to Stargirl65 for sending this in, as it reminds us of the stories that are really important when keeping track of the world around us.

I'm just putting up the link. Because I can't think of anything I could say about this that would make it any more amazing. Be sure to read the whole story, and not just the synopsis.

Click here.

Taking legal action

As you may remember, Dr. Pissy's dog and I had a conflict earlier this week. So today I put this letter on his desk...


Craven, Cretin, & Klutz, P.C.
Attorneys at Law

November 5, 2010

I. M. Pissy, M.D.
7291 N. Headache St.
Grumpyville, CX 34611

RE: Legal Action of Grumpy vs. Pissy

Dear Dr. Pissy,

Our firm has been retained by Dr. Grumpy in a legal action against you pursuant to the events of November 1, 2010.

On that date a canine possession of yours ("Fancy") pooped in Dr. Grumpy's exam room. This is in violation of federal regulations #1, #7, and #3,748,425-A, and caused Dr. Grumpy severe emotional denoberation, mental discombobulation, oderiferous substance exposure, fulminant social embarrassment, and a bunch of other polysyllabic words.

After careful consideration of legal options, including a $10 billion lawsuit for emotional damages, we've decided on the following out-of-court settlement:

"Blackdog", a 65 lbs. canine possession of Dr. Grumpy's of undetermined genetic nature (i.e. a "mutt"), shall be allowed into YOUR exam room to poop on the floor following lunch on November 10, 2010. Laxatives will be used to ensure the settlement is equitable.

If this settlement is acceptable to you, please have your attorney call their attorney who will then call our attorney who will then notify us, and we will make the necessary arrangements to transport Blackdog.

We hope this resolves the issue. Please contact us for any questions.

Your's truly,

Oksana "Oksi" Kontin
Legal Assistant to Mr. Klutz.

Land shark

The medical world is unpredictable. Patients (and doctors) sometimes get angry for no good reason.

Veterinarians deal with crazy humans, but also run the risk of being attacked by pets. Most 4-legged things bite.

But when you hear about staff at a vet's office being bitten, you DON'T expect another homo sapiens to be involved.

Until now.

Yes, folks, a lady in Florida brought her Shih-Tzus to the vet for grooming. And when they weren't ready as fast as she wanted them to be, she went canine on the staff, biting them repeatedly.

I'm not making this up. Here's the story.

It doesn't say if she's up-to-date on her shots, but I suspect she'll be quarantined for a while.

Thank you, Jackie, for sending this in.

Great office moments

Dr. Grumpy: "What kind of work did you used to do?"

Mr. Tympanic "What?"

Dr. Grumpy: "What Kind Of Work Did You Used To Do?"

Mr. Tympanic (looks at wife) "What did he say?"

Lady Tympanic: "HE ASKED YOU WHAT KIND OF WORK YOU USED TO DO!!!"

Mr. Tympanic: "Oh, I tested explosives."

Medical miracles

Wow! A new study done by Belch drug company found that their epilepsy drug is most effective when combined with their OTHER epilepsy drug (but not when combined with their competitors' drugs).

Who could have seen that coming?

Great parents

Mrs. Tude: "I think you know my daughter, Cindy. She works at the hospital."

Dr. Grumpy: "Maybe... What does she look like?"

Mrs. Tude: "A lot like me, except she's fatter and uglier."

I'm SO flattered

This was on a new patient form yesterday afternoon.

Puttin' on the ritz

Dr. Pissy's wife has a little black mop of a dog named Fancy. Mrs. Pissy is never without her.

Yesterday one of Dr. Pissy's staff was out, so Mrs. Pissy came in to help. And, of course, she brought Fancy.

Fancy spent most of the time trapped in the break room, but during lunch was allowed to roam the office since there weren't any patients.

After she was cooped up again I brought my 1:00 back, and gave him directions. "Go on back, 2nd room on the right, have a seat and I'll be with you in a sec" (I wanted to get a Diet Coke).

So after I had a can, I headed back to my office. The patient was standing in the hallway.

"Uh, doc, do you know there's a pile of dog shit in your office?"

Mary's Desk, November 1, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Mary."

Ms. Nitpick: "Yes, I'd like to make a follow-up with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, we have a 4:30 tomorrow afternoon."

Ms. Nitpick: "That won't work. It's too early. How about 5:00?"

Mary: "No, I'm sorry, but the doctor leaves at 5:00 each day to do hospital work."

Ms. Nitpick: "What about 4:45?"

Mary: "Our last follow-up slot is at 4:30."

Ms. Nitpick: "What about 4:35?"

Early morning hospital rounds

Phil is an old patient of mine. He's demented, and on the occasions where he lands in the hospital he becomes confused and hallucinates.

So whenever he's in I drop by to make things aren't getting out of hand.

Last night, while out trick-or-treating, I got called from ER. He was coming in for breathing problems, and they wanted me to do my usual visit in case he flakes out.

So on my way into the office this morning I swung by the hospital.


Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Phil. How ya doin'?"

Phil: "Dr. Grumpy! Thank God you're here!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Phil: "I've been having TERRIBLE problems with your staff."

Dr. Grumpy: "Really? What happened?"

Phil: "Mary and Annie came to visit me last night!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh-huh..." (this is already a bad sign. Neither of them lives anywhere near the hospital).

Phil: "Mary held me down! And then Annie beat me up! And then they poisoned my coffee! You need to do something about this!"


I can't wait till Mary and Annie come in today and I can ask what they did for Halloween. I'd naively assumed they were out with their kids, too.

Halloween stories...

Hopkinsville, Kentucky is a small town in the western part of the state. There's a farm on the outskirts of town. And on August 21, 1955 it's owners were the Suttons. Their friends the Calloways were visiting from Pennsylvania.

The house didn't have running water. Around 7:00 p.m. Billy Taylor went out to the pump for a drink, and noticed a strange light in the sky. He told the others about it, and it was assumed to have been a shooting star... for a while.

An hour later weird things began happening. Odd noises began to surround the house, and the family dog began barking wildly. It then dug itself under the home, where it stayed until the next day.

Thinking there was a trespasser, Billy Taylor and Lucky Sutton got a pair of rifles and went outside. Across the yard they saw a small creature, about 3 feet high, with glowing eyes, large ears, and taloned arms. It was wearing a silver outfit. It didn't move it's legs as it suddenly began gliding toward them.

When it kept coming, they both raised their guns and fired. There was a sound like rocks being thrown against metal, and the creature flipped over backwards, then vanished.

Billy and Lucky started to walk in its direction. But as they stepped off the porch, another creature standing on the roof reached down and grabbed their hair. Both dropped back and fired again, with the same results- the rattling sound, and the thing vanishing.

The evening quickly became a nightmare. How many of the strange creatures there were is unknown, but they were everywhere around the house. They scratched at the roof. They'd peer in windows, and the frightened family would shoot at them. The glass broke, followed by the same rattling noise and the creatures briefly disappearing. But they always came back.

The nightmarish visitation continued. After 3 hours the families had a chance to get to their cars, and drove into town.

At the local police station they were found to be terrified, sober, and "the type of people who normally didn't run to the police". The officers specifically noted that the families did not appear to have been drinking.

Police investigated the scene, finding the house damaged by gunfire. But the strange creatures were gone. Although they weren't seen at other houses that night, strange lights were, and odd sounds reported.

Over the years the family members have been interviewed several times. Their stories are consistent, suggesting that they all witnessed the same traumatic event. They were generally felt to be honest people who'd experienced something mysterious and frightening.

Those who are still alive rarely talk about it to reporters, but in 2002 Lucky Sutton's daughter said "It was a serious thing to him. It happened to him. He said it happened to him. He said it wasn't funny. It was an experience he said he would never forget. It was fresh in his mind until the day he died. It was fresh in his mind like it happened yesterday. He never cracked a smile when he told the story because it happened to him and there was nothing funny about it. He got pale and you could see it in his eyes. He was scared to death."

Many explanations for the events of that night have been made, including escaped circus monkeys, Great Horned Owls, and inevitably, a hoax. The U.S. Air Force investigated, and found no answers. To this day the case is labeled as unsolved.

But not forgotten...

After the 1977 success of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Steven Spielberg was asked to make a sequel called Night Skies. This time, far from the benign visitors of Close Encounters, the aliens came to terrorize us. The movie was based on the Hopkinsville Encounter, which Spielberg had heard about while researching Close Encounters. Models and storyboards were done. The lead alien had a long glowing finger that killed animals it touched. Another alien was more friendly, and befriended a human child.

For various reasons Night Skies was never made. But it wasn't forgotten, and eventually the idea became 3 other Spielberg films.

The idea of malignant aliens taking over a home and terrorizing it's occupants gradually changed, and in 1982 was released as the horror film Poltergeist.

The same idea was reused in 1984, but this time the idea of the single friendly alien was in the plot. The movie was Gremlins.

And the third movie?

The evil animal-killing alien leader (with the glowing finger) from Night Skies was combined with his friendly colleague, and the 1982 film was called E.T.

Have a happy Halloween, everybody.

And never, ever, ever feed them after midnight.