Do you hear what I hear?

Dear CNN,

I usually skim your web page a few times a day, and noticed your health headline yesterday on "Secrets you shouldn't keep from your OB/GYN". Since I personally don't need the services of an OB/GYN, however, I didn't read it.

This, as my reader Webhill later pointed out to me, was a serious mistake.

Most of the article was fairly helpful, inoffensive, medical info. But it was the last paragraph that got Webhill's (and my) attention.

Quoting Dr. Lissa Rankin (OB/GYN): "When a woman comes into my office, we sit on two red leather chairs across from each other. I give them a hug. I offer them a cup of tea. I ask them, 'if your vagina had a voice, what would it say?' "

WOW!

I've been a neurologist for quite a few years, but it's NEVER occurred to me to ask what a brain, spinal cord, or carpal tunnel would say. Maybe I'm just being remiss. I've never offered patients tea, either, and I don't have leather chairs.

Talking vaginas are nothing new. The movie "Chatterbox" (1977, starring Candy Rialson) was (I swear!) based on the premise of a woman with a talking vagina. The vagina was talented and went on to a singing career (REALLY!). It was sort of "Deep Throat" in reverse (uh, um, I mean, that's what I've heard).





But back to your topic. I took an informal poll of women I know, and posed the same question. I received several answers:

"It says it wished it hadn't pushed out four kids. C-sections are starting to look better and better as I sag."

"No more fucking pantyhose! I need some air!"

"Eat me!"

"It would say you are a whack job, please forward a copy of my records to my home address at your earliest convenience."

"Hello?!!! Why the hell are you talking to a vagina?"





Another point that a (unidentified) member of Dr. Pissy's staff made: "You know the tiny little cover-nothing-but-a-few-pubes paper things that we have to put on at the GYN? They don't cover your butt AT ALL. So if I'm sitting bare-assed on a leather chair, MY vagina is going to ask if the chair gets sanitized between patients."

I think this is also something a female doctor could get away with, that a guy couldn't (which is interesting, because you interviewed a female doc, but had a picture of a male one). Let's face it: Take away the medical atmosphere, and you've got 2 people in leather seats who've just hugged, one has bought the other a drink, and now wants to talk to the others genitals.

Obviously, I don't have a vagina. But, let's say I went to a doctor: He puts me in a comfy chair, offers me a Diet Coke, tries to hug me (I don't think that's going to happen) and then says, "So, Ibee, if your penis could talk, what would it say?" (Does that sound like a pick-up line from a gay bar?).

My mouth (not my winkie) would likely say "Get away from me!" grab my pants, and be grateful he hadn't gotten to the turn-your-head-and-cough part. Tell me this- if a male urologist asked guys that, would you feature it in an article about good medical practice?

I have nothing against Dr. Rankin. I'm sure she's an excellent physician, with far better taste in office furnishings and beverages than me (the red leather chairs, by the way can be seen on her blog. It's called "owningpink.com". Honest!). But I personally would be a little skittish of doctors wanting to have a conversation with my nether regions.

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Things that make me grumpy

Dear Dr. Irritating,

I'm just writing to let you know that there is NO cure for Alzheimer's disease. There are some marginally effective treatments to slow it down a bit, but NOTHING that cures it.

I thought you knew this, but obviously you have no freaking clue. Or are just stupid. Or ignorant. Or don't care. Or believe whatever the pfarmaceutical reps tell you.

Patients and families say funny things, and sometimes hear only what they want. So if one makes an odd comment about you, I tend to ignore it. But when I start hearing it from others, and see a trend, then I think differently.

I treat patients to the best of my ability with what I have. In the case of Alzheimer's disease, it isn't much. They all get worse. I tell families that in advance, because reasonable expectations help all of us.

What doesn't help is YOU. Several families have told me that when they say the memory is getting worse, you immediately tell them to return to me "so he can do something about it."

And then, yesterday, a referral from your office showed up on my fax. You'd written: "Please refer back to Dr. Grumpy for Alzheimers. His treatment isn't working, as she keeps getting worse. Needs to change meds to get her better."

I know your handwriting. Now you can't blame your ignorance/stupidity on anyone else.

Being realistic with patients and families is the best treatment for anything. No matter how many times I see them, there are limits to what I can do. But at least I can do better than you in telling them the truth.

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Loose associations

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I'd like to start you on Lyrica..."

Mr. Goofball: "Oh, no. That drug doesn't work for me."

Dr. Grumpy: "I didn't know you'd taken it before?"

Mr. Goofball: "I haven't, but it gave my cousin's buddy a stomach ache."

I prefer to check the old fashioned way, thank you

Yesterday Local Radiology Place brought lunch. I wanted to hear about their new MRI, but the sales rep was determined to give Dr. Pissy and I her complete sales pitch about everything. Of course, that covers a lot, so she was talking incredibly fast. At one point she threw out this line:

"Doctors, our new digital mammogram system is extremely accurate at determining the presence or absence of breasts, and is faster than previous methods of doing so."

Concerned children

I picked up the kids from school and headed home.

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, gang, listen up. Mom had to go home sick from work today, and is not feeling well. So when we get home, she's probably in bed. I want you guys to be VERY quiet when we go in the house."

(long pause)

Craig: "Dad, I have a question."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Craig: "So Mom is already at home?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Craig: "Then can I get my potato chips out of her car?"

Lost in translation

Yesterday I saw a nice lady, who spoke reasonably good English, but her primary language was French.

So she was accompanied by her niece, who said she was here to translate.

I only speak English. And guess what? So does the niece!

Her idea of "translating" was like the old SNL "News for the Deaf" skit. Like this:

Dr. Grumpy: "Where is the pain?"

Ms. Niece: (pulling on patient's sleeve and shouting in her ear) "THE DOCTOR WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOUR PAIN IS?!!!"

This went on for an hour. The patient spoke good English, and could hear perfectly well. By the end of the appointment I think we were both ready to strangle the niece.

Sorry, dude

I hear some great excuses, and Mrs. Grumpy hears more. Some are less believable than others.

But, look dude, if you're in a car by yourself, AND the cops find a bag of cocaine crammed in your butt, it's really not going to fly to claim it ain't yours.

Like this guy.

I'd like to thank my reader Lee for submitting this.

Get down! Get funky! Get green!

I'd like to thank The Mother for sending this in.

Yes, the economy is getting better, but I think we're all looking for ways to save money. Of course, we all want to be environmentally conscious, too.

So here's a truly heartwarming (or whatever you're warming) story of how a brothel is giving clients who ride a bike there a discount. Isn't that nice?

To read the article, click here.

Nice job, ad agency

While catching up on journals this weekend I found this ad, featuring a June Cleaver (ideal American mom, circa 1950's) knock-off. To me, it seems June is unlikely (not impossible, but unlikely) to be this guy's mother. But hey, that's just me.

(click to enlarge)

The aliens have landed!

Our house has white carpet everywhere. We didn't pick it out, it was that way when we bought it. So, with 3 kids and 3 dogs, it's gradually become more of a tan color, with spots of varying origins.

But never fear, we have a Spotbot. The miracle of modern housecleaning that targets one small circular area with it's cleaning powers.

Yesterday, Mrs. Grumpy had a bunch of errands, and was gone most of the day. She asked if I'd do something about the large number of food/crayon/who-knows-what stains in one room.

So I got the Spotbot out and attacked the areas. I thought it went pretty well. It returned the stained area to their original whiteness, without too much work on my part.

Mrs. Grumpy got home, and was not as impressed with my work as I was. While she agreed that I had, indeed, done a good job of whitening the affected areas, she wasn't happy with the overall results.





I tried telling her that I took the kids to a movie, and that crop-circle making aliens had invaded and been working on a smaller scale in our home.

She didn't buy it.

2010 Ig Nobel Prizes

Okay, Grumpyites. In the interest of science, I'm devoting today to the recent Ig Nobel prizes.

For those who don't know, the Ig Nobels are awarded to real research which is, um, more unusual than that typically considered for Nobel prizes.

If you missed the 2009 Ig Nobel awards, click here. They featured studies on the solidity of beer bottles vs. skulls, the ability to make diamonds from tequila, and a bra that could convert to a gas mask in an emergency.

The 2010 Ig Nobels included research on oral sex in bats, techniques for collecting boogers from whales using a remote-controlled helicopter, and a special award to British Petroleum for disproving the long held belief that "oil and water don't mix".

To read these, and many more, click here.

Thank you to everyone who sent in links for this.

Reasons I love my patients

Today a patient came in for the first time since she had a baby. We had this exchange:


Mrs. Kidz: "I've got a boy and a girl now, and I'm done."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you get your tubes tied?"

Mrs Kidz: "That's what my OB did, but it's not exactly what I wanted. I'd specifically told him to tie my tubes, then crush and burn them, then use tractors to pull them as far apart as possible, and scatter the pieces to the 4 winds. But all he did was tie them."

I laughed VERY hard.

Did you bring a sleeping bag?

Guy comes in, stands at front desk.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Kampout: "Yeah, I have an appointment with Dr. Grumpy next week."

Mary: "Okay..."

Mr. Kampout: "Can I be seen today or tomorrow instead?"

Mary: "Let me see... No we're all filled up, but I can call you if someone cancels."

Mr. Kampout "Thank you. Can I wait here until then?"

Dear Mr. Winkie,

I try to be prompt, and run my schedule on time. I really do. Most of my patients are used to that, but you're new to my practice.

So I understand you bringing something to read. People often do, as the assortment of People, Newsweek, Home & Garden, and other lobby magazines can be boring. So I see people with books, newspapers, knitting stuff, Nintendos, laptops, and such to pass the time.

But if you're going to bring something to your next visit, please DON'T make it another issue of Penthouse.

I've got nothing against porn specifically. If that floats your boat, more power to you. But reading it in my lobby, where one of my patients had her kids, didn't make for the calm and tranquil environment Dr. Pissy and I try to cultivate.

So next time, just stick with the Newsweek or Glamour* issues in my lobby.

Thank you.

(*we Seinfeld fans know who we are, huh?)