Sorry, dude

I hear some great excuses, and Mrs. Grumpy hears more. Some are less believable than others.

But, look dude, if you're in a car by yourself, AND the cops find a bag of cocaine crammed in your butt, it's really not going to fly to claim it ain't yours.

Like this guy.

I'd like to thank my reader Lee for submitting this.

Get down! Get funky! Get green!

I'd like to thank The Mother for sending this in.

Yes, the economy is getting better, but I think we're all looking for ways to save money. Of course, we all want to be environmentally conscious, too.

So here's a truly heartwarming (or whatever you're warming) story of how a brothel is giving clients who ride a bike there a discount. Isn't that nice?

To read the article, click here.

Nice job, ad agency

While catching up on journals this weekend I found this ad, featuring a June Cleaver (ideal American mom, circa 1950's) knock-off. To me, it seems June is unlikely (not impossible, but unlikely) to be this guy's mother. But hey, that's just me.

(click to enlarge)

The aliens have landed!

Our house has white carpet everywhere. We didn't pick it out, it was that way when we bought it. So, with 3 kids and 3 dogs, it's gradually become more of a tan color, with spots of varying origins.

But never fear, we have a Spotbot. The miracle of modern housecleaning that targets one small circular area with it's cleaning powers.

Yesterday, Mrs. Grumpy had a bunch of errands, and was gone most of the day. She asked if I'd do something about the large number of food/crayon/who-knows-what stains in one room.

So I got the Spotbot out and attacked the areas. I thought it went pretty well. It returned the stained area to their original whiteness, without too much work on my part.

Mrs. Grumpy got home, and was not as impressed with my work as I was. While she agreed that I had, indeed, done a good job of whitening the affected areas, she wasn't happy with the overall results.





I tried telling her that I took the kids to a movie, and that crop-circle making aliens had invaded and been working on a smaller scale in our home.

She didn't buy it.

2010 Ig Nobel Prizes

Okay, Grumpyites. In the interest of science, I'm devoting today to the recent Ig Nobel prizes.

For those who don't know, the Ig Nobels are awarded to real research which is, um, more unusual than that typically considered for Nobel prizes.

If you missed the 2009 Ig Nobel awards, click here. They featured studies on the solidity of beer bottles vs. skulls, the ability to make diamonds from tequila, and a bra that could convert to a gas mask in an emergency.

The 2010 Ig Nobels included research on oral sex in bats, techniques for collecting boogers from whales using a remote-controlled helicopter, and a special award to British Petroleum for disproving the long held belief that "oil and water don't mix".

To read these, and many more, click here.

Thank you to everyone who sent in links for this.

Reasons I love my patients

Today a patient came in for the first time since she had a baby. We had this exchange:


Mrs. Kidz: "I've got a boy and a girl now, and I'm done."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you get your tubes tied?"

Mrs Kidz: "That's what my OB did, but it's not exactly what I wanted. I'd specifically told him to tie my tubes, then crush and burn them, then use tractors to pull them as far apart as possible, and scatter the pieces to the 4 winds. But all he did was tie them."

I laughed VERY hard.

Did you bring a sleeping bag?

Guy comes in, stands at front desk.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Kampout: "Yeah, I have an appointment with Dr. Grumpy next week."

Mary: "Okay..."

Mr. Kampout: "Can I be seen today or tomorrow instead?"

Mary: "Let me see... No we're all filled up, but I can call you if someone cancels."

Mr. Kampout "Thank you. Can I wait here until then?"

Dear Mr. Winkie,

I try to be prompt, and run my schedule on time. I really do. Most of my patients are used to that, but you're new to my practice.

So I understand you bringing something to read. People often do, as the assortment of People, Newsweek, Home & Garden, and other lobby magazines can be boring. So I see people with books, newspapers, knitting stuff, Nintendos, laptops, and such to pass the time.

But if you're going to bring something to your next visit, please DON'T make it another issue of Penthouse.

I've got nothing against porn specifically. If that floats your boat, more power to you. But reading it in my lobby, where one of my patients had her kids, didn't make for the calm and tranquil environment Dr. Pissy and I try to cultivate.

So next time, just stick with the Newsweek or Glamour* issues in my lobby.

Thank you.

(*we Seinfeld fans know who we are, huh?)

Yes, that's a very common disease

I was doing an online medical survey this morning, and encountered this question:

(click to enlarge)

Important safety measures

Mrs. Klumsy: "I used to fall when going down stairs, but I was able to stop that."

Dr. Grumpy: "How did you stop it?"

Mrs. Klumsy" "Now I only walk down them with my eyes open."

Detective work

Dr. Grumpy: "So what kind of symptoms are you having?"

Mr. Papyrus: "Didn't Dr. Imed send you a note?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. Are you hurting somewhere?"

Mr. Papyrus: "Yes."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where are you hurting?"

Mr. Papyrus: "It said in his note."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, but where do YOU remember the pain being?"

Mr. Papyrus: "Wherever Dr. Imed told you it is."

Dr. Grumpy: "How long has it been hurting?"

Mr. Papyrus: "How long has what been hurting?"

(long pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "By any chance did Dr. Imed think you were having memory problems?"

Mr. Papyrus: "Maybe. That sounds familiar. Why? Did you find the note?"

Welcome to Grand Rounds, year 7!

As you're all aware, I was asked to host online Grand Rounds this week. So thank you all for coming! I'll be returning to my regularly scheduled whining tomorrow.

Coffee and bagels are in back. Sign in on the sheet. Medical students, please remember that you're allowed to sit ONLY if there are chairs left after the attendings, fellows, residents, and homeless people (here for the bagels) have been seated.

Food was provided by our drug rep Rikki, on behalf of Wirfliss Pharmaceuticals. She asks that when writing a prescription, please keep their many Wirfliss products in mind.

Before beginning, I'd like to thank Dr. Fizzy for her suggestions on doing grand rounds, and (as always) her totally awesome collection of medical cartoons. If you don't already read her, then (after this) click here and get started.

A big thank you to everyone who sent stuff in. I received A LOT of submissions, and unfortunately couldn't use them all. So if you didn't make it, I'm sorry. Everything I got was good. Some of you sent great anecdotes and stories, but in keeping with tradition, I limited it to links for blogs.

And we're off! The topic was: THINGS THAT MAKE ME GRUMPY!


To start, I present: THE PHARMACISTS!




The king of pissed-off pharmacists, The Angry Pharmacist, submitted this post about an issue that drives him (and many docs) nuts- the prevalence of meds ending in -XR, -XL, -CR, etc.

My esteemed colleague Pharmacy Chick sent her list of pet peeves from the other side of counter. And I have to agree with her.

Next up in the center ring: THE NURSES!





From the Florida keys, we have Mojito Girl. She brings us stories from the ER "spa" there. Mojito, dear, although your email promised "truckloads of money sent to a Swiss bank account" for putting this up, I still haven't received it. Perhaps this is because I don't have a Swiss account. Or simply the logistics of you driving trucks from Florida to Switzerland.

Nurse Running Princess (like many of us) finds herself stymied by some of the asinine ideas that drift down from hospital management.


Here they are: THE MEDICAL RECEPTIONISTS!





My idol, Dr. Oscar London, once wrote that "The doctor is your humble servant. The secretary is Her Majesty, the Queen", and I quite agree. You all know my boss secretary, Queen Mary, but she's far from alone in the combat of front desk medicine.

Queen Kate sent 4 totally awesome examples of the insanity that goes on in the trenches, and I couldn't pick one over the others (I tried). So here, in no particular order, they are:

Crayzee 1, Crayzee 2, Crayzee 3, and Crayzee 4.

I think if Mary and Kate start a blog together, they'll drive me off the web.


Next up: THE PARAMEDICS!





Medic999 had a lot to say about the insanity of an answering service that doesn't quite grasp what "the patient is dead!" means.


Now taking the stage: THE DOCTORS!





Dr. Orion, from the wild world of psychiatry, writes about misadventures on a book tour.

On the topic of false advertising, pathologist Gizabeth writes in about being promised a lab specimen of gangrenous hemorrhoids (doesn't that sound horrible?), and her disappointment when they weren't.

Doctor D gets peeved over patients who want a doctor to have superpowers to diagnose and treat without ever seeing them.

Jill-of-all-Trades, M.D. wanted to stress ways to avoid being grumpy (no, I don't understand that, either), and sent in tips to properly conduct the circus of medical practice.

Master Surgeon RLBates wrote in concerning a trend that makes her (and me, too) grumpy: A TV show that's promoting plastic surgery as a prize package for brides!

Manixter, an anesthesiologist who specializes in passing gas, writes in to tell us what it's like when you have to use bedside manner with a relative. She also had a Jeff Foxworthyesque piece on you may be an anesthesiologist if...

Dr. Kirsch, while not necessarily grumpy, sent in a poignant post on faith and medicine.

Glass Hospital sent in his secrets about working at a university student health center.

Dr. Dalai, a radiologist who specializes in the "I'm tearing my hairs out by the roots" field of IT, sends in his grumpiness over trying to set up a PACS system.


Entering the spotlight: THE RESIDENTS!





MD Resident, who's surviving the hazing ritual of call, wrote about annoying aspects of residency.


And now... THE MEDICAL STUDENTS!





Action Potential wanted to gripe about schools promoting "new curriculum" ideas that do nothing but make you look socially inept.

Mack wanted to grump about the serious medical condition Facebookalgia.


And last, but certainly not least,... THE PATIENTS!





The Banshee, who recently had a baby without any freakin' pain meds, sent in this story of a whiny family member.

Pink Tee Shirt sent in her peeves from the patient side of the medical world.

Copewithpain wanted to discuss problems encountered at the doctor's office.

Joseph Morris wanted to discuss disgusting things about public bathrooms.

While I, personally, revel in my grumpiness, the folks over at Bedside Manner wanted to suggest ways to avoid being Grumpy. Here are their suggestions, though they forgot to list "don't run out of Diet Coke."





It looks like we're running out of both time and bagels, so I'll wrap up. In closing, I'm going to post my own pick, something entirely unrelated, and one of the best pieces of blog writing EVER. Nurse Maha's awesome take on Edgar Allan Poe's classic poem, The Raven.

And that's all! Thanks for joining us for Grand Rounds. Let's have a round of applause for Nick Genes (no relation to Splice) and Val Jones for asking me to do this (I'm still waiting for my Diet Coke, by the way). Next week Grand Rounds will be held over at Sharp Brains, so tune in then.

Medical students, please don't put the leftover bagels in your white coats until the residents have picked them over.

Homework

Tonight Marie asked me to look over her math homework. It featured this:

Question: "Write a word subtraction problem using the numbers 18 and 10."

Under it Marie had written: "Frank had 18 words and gave 10 of them to Craig. Frank had 8 words left."

More Medical Research

I'd like to thank my reader PMH for submitting this.

I think we've all played beer pong. I mean, what would college be without it?

And most of us, especially shitty players like me, can attest that you can get pretty damn drunk playing it. Definitely more so than other drinking activities, such as watching football or flying a commercial plane.

So you can ask pretty much any college student "Hey! Do you get really drunk when playing beer pong?" And the answer will be "Yes!".

Of course, walking around a college campus and asking such questions, or simply hanging out in a bar and taking notes, are way too simple for your average researcher. So instead the folks at one university had to create a simulated model of beer pong using computer software. Really.

What did they learn?

That playing beer pong leads to increased alcohol consumption. Shocker, huh?

Here's the article.