Tips from Dr. Grumpy

I'm spending this holiday weekend being abused by my kids AND evil archenemy (the Wii Fit trainer). So to keep you guys entertained until I return to my desk, I'm providing awareness of important news stories (this and the previous post).

Obviously, if you're a veteran of huffing paint/glue/whatever, I don't expect you to still have all brain cells working.

BUT here's a tip: walking around with the lower half of your face spray-painted a lovely shade of metallic gold, like this guy, WILL NOT help you blend in with a crowd (at least most crowds).


I'd like to thank my reader Kayden for submitting this.

NEW! Treats pain AND fatigue!

I'd like to thank my reader Ellie for submitting this.

(click to enlarge)

Excuses

Dear Patients:

Apparently this 3 day weekend snuck up on many of you, to the extent that you frantically canceled yesterday's appointments at the last minute. I assume this was so you could leave town/start drinking/both early (Americans love a reason to drink. I think we're the only country that steals holidays from other countries, like St. Patrick's Day or Cinco De Mayo, just to have an excuse to drink).

Anyway, the day started with a typically full office schedule, but by the time you guys were done canceling, I'd worked a total of 2 1/2 hours, and we gave up and closed down at 1:25.

I appreciate those of you who were considerate enough to call. This is actually preferable to the ones who simply don't show up, leaving me in suspense. At least by calling you let us know we can shut down early.

I'm sure some of you had legitimate reasons not to come in. But it's hard for me to tell. So here, in no particular order, are some of the excuses we received.

1. I broke my arm.

2. My kid broke his arm.

3. My car died on the freeway, and I'm up here on the off-ramp waiting for a tow-truck (the message on this one featured loud music and a guy ordering beer in the background).

4. My hemorrhoids are killing me.

5. I don't remember why I see you anyway (possibly legitimate given the nature of my practice).

6. My ex-husband is in town.

7. My kid lost my car keys.

8. I have to go to Costco.

9. My cat threw-up.

10. I'm in the middle of my pap smear, and my GYN just called out for an emergency, and I'm up in the stirrups and don't know when she'll be back.


THE WINNER, however, has to go to Mr. Bowman. He's been a reliable patient of mine for a long time, and knows I'll forgive him. He also knows my sense of humor. And he left this message (Mary didn't get it, but I did).

"Hi, this is Mr. Bowman. I need to cancel my 2:15 appointment today because OH MY GOD! IT'S FULL OF STARS!" (click).

Have a good weekend everyone.

Good answer

Dr. Grumpy: "Is that mark on your eye a lifelong thing?"

Mrs. Literal: "Well, it's been there since I was born. Before that I'm not sure."

Geography FAIL!

Okay, I'm doing a research survey this morning, and screen #1 asked me which country I resided in. So I checked "USA".

The next screen came up, and asked me what state I lived in. It featured a drop-down menu with all the states. And the "A's" went like this:

Alabama
Alaska
Alberta
Arizona
Arkansas...


I REALLY hope they did that to see if I was paying attention.

Another one bites the dust

I don't do that much teaching anymore. I like it, but the constraints of time with a family and solo practice make it damn near impossible.

But I still do it, albeit rarely, on special requests from friends, nurses or docs I know, etc. And yesterday was one of those days.

I got my start in a college program where I shadowed docs to see if I wanted to be one, and so I have a tender spot for those kids. Last week one of the hospital nurses called me. Her son is in his 2nd year of college, and is thinking about medicine. She was calling around to see if anyone would let him watch for a day. And since I'm a softy, I said sure.

He shows up, neatly dressed, trying to look young, eager, and professional. My first patient was in for an EMG (electrical test of the nerves and muscles), and she didn't have a problem with the student watching.

I fired up the machine, and made some notes. Joe College leaned over my shoulder to see what I was doing. I stuck a needle in the patient's deltoid, and turned to the machine to look at the results.

There was a loud "thunk" behind me. The patient and I both turned to see Joe College sprawled unconscious on my exam room floor.

The patient began laughing. I pulled the needle out of her arm and called Mary for help. We got Joe out to the break room as he woke up, and got him some water.

By the time I was done with the EMG he was gone. He'd told Mary he was thinking about becoming a pharmacist or accountant. He also asked for her phone number.

History FAIL!

"I had my kids way back, in the 1970's. They were complicated births, because they hadn't invented the C-section yet."

Only outside Sleepy Hollow

Mr. Patient: "My chiropractor says this is because the top of my neck attaches to my head. Is that a common problem?"

Attention Drug Rep!

Thank you for bringing lunch today.

I am married. You may not have noticed my ring. Or my kid's drawings all over the place. Or the brief phone call I had with Mrs. Grumpy in front of you to work out who's picking up the tribe tonight.

Batting your eyelashes, adjusting yourself in your chair so that all of us could see you're wearing a thong, talking about how lonely you are being new in this town, and giving me a card with your home phone on it "just in case you have questions about the drug, or anything else" does NOT score you points in my office.

Try the plastic surgeon downstairs. His trophy wife (3rd wife, 28 years younger then he is) just turned 35, so he's likely looking for a newer model.

Thank you.

Is that your final answer?

I'd like to thank my reader Kate for submitting this. She found it on Answers.com.

Beyond the question of "Why the hell is this listed under 'math'?", is the remarkable answer itself.

(click to enlarge)

Early monday hospital rounds

Dr. Grumpy: "Why did you call 911?"

Mr. Phlush: "Because my toilet was clogged."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why on Earth did you do that?!!!"

Mr. Phlush: "I don't know any plumbers."

Today's Health Tip

Just reminding all my readers to eat plenty of ice cream, because it supports a healthy lifestyle. After all, it says so on the carton.

(click to enlarge)




And thank you to my reader Trout for submitting this!

Memories...

One of the most hated parts of residency is having to call an attending at night about a new admission. In most programs this is required, and you don't have a choice. It consists of dialing up the senior doc on call, running a case by them quickly, and making sure they agree with what you're doing.

Generally you try and make it quick. You're busy. They're trying to sleep.

There was one doctor in my program, Dr. Flat, who was notorious for his rapid monotone. He spoke at warp speed, but his voice never changed, and he never strayed from business. If he had a sense of humor, none of us ever saw it.

One weeknight I was on call, and was admitting a stroke patient. It was about 10:00 p.m, and I made the obligatory call to Dr. Flat.

Dr. Grumpy: "So I'm admitting him to the telemetry floor, and started him on Aspirin. I've ordered an MRI, and..."

Dr. Flat: Mmmmm. YAWNNNNNN

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry, sir. Did I wake you up?"

Dr. Flat:"No, my wife and I just finished having sex. What's his blood pressure?"

Patient quote of the day

"I forget the things I can't remember. When I was younger I used to remember that stuff. I mean, I'd remember the stuff I hadn't forgotten."