Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Dear Mrs. Frosting,

Congratulations on your first wedding anniversary!

I know a lot of people save a layer from their wedding cake, to eat on the first anniversary. I have no problem with that (I don't remember anymore if we did or not, but if I ask Mrs. Grumpy she'll kill me for forgetting that important point).

Anyway, I'm sorry the cake was so badly freezer-burned that it was inedible. Sometimes that happens. I'm sure you were disappointed at having to throw it out.

Apparently, though, you couldn't bring yourself to do that. So why on Earth you decided to dump it off at my office as "treats for the staff" I have no idea. I can only assume you don't have neighbors or co-workers that you hate enough to give it to.

Mary and Annie have put your thoughtful wedding souvenir in an appropriate place. If the Audobon society calls tomorrow asking about a large number of dead pigeons near our dumpster, we're giving them your name.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Monday afternoon goes to hell

Sorry, guys, today was a disaster. Due to a problem in my office building, I had no internet at all. They tell me it may not be up tomorrow, either. Anyway, I apologize for not being able to put up your comments or post today's insanity earlier. But Grumpy Neurology, P.C. had temporarily been reduced to Screaming Obscenities into the phone at the ISP Neurology, P.C. instead.


Dr. Grumpy: "So we got you a wrist brace, and you went to physical therapy for the carpal tunnel syndrome. How's it been going?"

Mr. Mano: "Better. The therapy place is good. The staff there did a really good hand job. Um, I mean, job on my hand, because it felt really good and... Doc, that doesn't sound good, does it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, but I think I understand what you mean."



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Jobs

Like most doctors, I get boatloads of job offers. Tons. Every freaking day in the mail.

"Great Opportunity! Live in scenic Nofuckingwhere! Incredible Salary!"And they always have pictures of stunningly attractive men and women, with amazingly cute children, doing outdoor activities. Or attending the theater. Or doing anything but wading through a huge pile of charts with a lobby full of patients. They make the jobs sound so wonderful that you wonder why the previous doc left.

These things have all sorts of catchphrases about remarkable salary, fast-track to partnership, limited call, great public schools, outdoor activities, cultural events, etc. Usually it runs something like this: "Practice in a beautiful area, where you can live 5 minutes from the beach, mountains, and international opera house. World class schools in an area with absolutely no crime, drug problems, or pesticides. Enjoy year-round skiing, golf, wind-surfing, fishing, kayaking, and snowboarding. Call schedule is 1 in 365, with no hospital coverage. Earn $175 billion dollars a year and a generous program to help you pay back your med school loans, with a fast-track to partnership."

So, as a courtesy to other medical professionals, I've waded through these things and collected the most commonly used phrases, and now offer a translation:

"World Class Medicine": (which world? Neptune?)

"Directorship position": You're the only doc for 500 miles.

"Practice without limits": Patients will push the envelope like you wouldn't believe.

"Short drive from recreational opportunities": Not that you'll ever have time to go, but you can drop the kids off on your way to work.

"Theater events": The high school kids put on "Li'l Abner" in the fall.

"Low Crime rates": Everyone has a gun, and shoots on sight.

"Invigorating river nearby": We're downstream from a sewage plant.

"Unique patients": Inbred families with webbed fingers.

"Fine shopping": We have a Walmart AND a Target!

"Fine local cuisine": Whoppers, Big Macs, AND Wendy's"

"Wholesome community": Minorities kept out at gun point.

"Join a growing practice": You're it.

"Moving bonus": Biff will come help you unload your truck

"University town": ER is full of drunken fratboys.

"Physician-friendly hospital administration": And you can see Bigfoot here, too. Pigs also fly.

"Competitive salary": You'll make more than you would at the local McD's. But not much.

"Generous benefits": Secretary has a bowl of M&M's on her desk.

"Cultural offerings": Office fridge hasn't been cleaned in years.

"Topnotch school system": Most kids finished 8th grade.

And my favorite:

"Year round activities": What does that mean? Hell, cleaning my house is a year round activity.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Sunday morning, 6:47 a.m.

My cell phone rings. It's the hospital ID.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Ms. Huc: "Hi, I'm calling from 7-East. Did you get a consult on Mr. Whacky on Friday?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, but when I spoke to the internist he told me it had been written by mistake, and that they didn't need a neurologist. So I didn't see him."

Ms. Huc: "Ohhhhh... I was just looking through the chart, and trying to figure out why you didn't see him."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do they need him seen now? I can come in later today."

Ms. Huc: "Hang on, let me ask his nurse." (pause) "No, never mind. He went home last night."

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Memories...

In residency, young doclings have clinics, learning how to do outpatient medicine in the hopes that we'll be able to do it when we grow up.

Grizz, another resident in my year, had a clinic epilepsy patient who had HUGE surgically enhanced breasts. She also used craploads of make-up.

Anyway, another resident was getting married, and so we planned a bachelor party for him over at Local House of Boobies. It was a fairly successful event (from what I remember) involving alcohol, topless dancers, a large number of $1 bills, and I think some silly string.

Anyway, at one point I paid a stripper to come over and give Dr. Bachelor a lap dance. So she got started doing her thing, then abruptly stopped. She looked at Grizz and said, "Hey! You're Dr. Grizz! I see you over at the epilepsy clinic!"

Grizz looked like he wanted to die. He turned a shade of red I hadn't seen before or since.

She walked over and rubbed her breasts on his head "You're awesome! I love that new drug you have me on, because it doesn't affect my balance when I'm dancing!"

Then she resumed the show.

Grizz didn't go to anymore bachelor parties after that.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Sitcom in my office

Mr. Patient: "Dr. Internist told me to see you about my arm pain. He also wanted me to mention that I'm having memory loss."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, let's start with the arm. How long has it been hurting you?"

Mr. Patient: "I don't remember."

Things that make me grumpy

I had a hospital consult yesterday afternoon. So I swung by the doctor's lounge to grab a Diet Coke, and then went to find my patient.

While I was waiting for the elevator, I popped the can open. Unfortunately, it exploded, showering me and the floor with soda.

Shit happens. Oh well. I ran to the bathroom next to the elevator, grabbed a handful of paper towels, and came back to clean up the mess.

As I'm working on it, Dr. Helmsley wanders by, and asks me what happened. I told him my Diet Coke exploded, and so I'm cleaning it up.

He laughed and said "I wouldn't bother. You're a doctor. The hospital pays drudges to do that." Then he walked away.

Screw you, Dr. Helmsley, and anyone else who thinks like that. Just because we have advanced degrees and training, DOESN'T EVER exclude us from normal courtesy. My mother always told me that if I make a mess I should clean it up. Not leave it for someone else to deal with.

And if you think being a doctor , or driving a Porsche, or ANYTHING exempts you from that, then your mother needs to slap the shit out of you.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Attention patients, drug reps, and planet Earth!

Mary is trying to quit smoking.

Therefore, DO NOT, under any circumstances, give her attitude.

If you do, we at Grumpy Neurology, P.C., cannot be held responsible for anything she may do to you. And believe me, you don't want to find out.

Any attempts to give Mary attitude are at your own risk. So don't say I didn't warn you.

Wednesday afternoon front desk insanity

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Nutz: 'Yes, I need to make a new-patient appointment."

Mary: "Okay, we can see you tomorrow morning, at 11:00."

Mrs. Nutz: "I'm having a lot of leg pain. Can your doctor find out what's wrong, and fix it?"

Mary: "Well, he'll do his best, I mean, he'll need to evaluate you and..."

Mrs. Nutz: 'I'm leaving on a vacation this Sunday, and I need this problem fixed by then. Otherwise it will ruin my trip. Is he going to be able to do that?"

Mary: "Well, like I said, he hasn't even seen you yet, so it's hard to..."

Mrs. Nutz: "Well I need it fixed. This is ridiculous."

Mary: "Okay, how about I get you scheduled? What's your insurance?"

Mrs. Nutz: "I have a very high deductible, so I'll be paying all of this out of pocket. How much is it?"

Mary: "Well the appointment is $300, but if you need tests done it..."

Mrs Nutz: "$300!!! That's insane! Okay, I'll bite. But I will only pay it if your doctor can guarantee, in writing, that I will be figured out and completely fixed before I leave on my trip. Otherwise I want my money back."

Mary: "We can't do that. I won't schedule you under such a condition. I don't know any doctor who will see you like that."

Mrs. Nutz: "Doesn't anyone want to help patients anymore? Whatever happened to that damn oath they take?" (Hangs up).

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Not helpful

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you allergic to any medications?"

Ms. Vague: "Yes, several."

Dr. Grumpy: "What are their names?"

Ms. Vague : "I don't know. Can't you get the list from my last doctor?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, we'll have you fill out a release... What's that doctor's name?"

Ms. Vague: "I have no idea. It was a man. I think I saw him when I lived in Missouri. Does that help?"

You can't afford to be sick!

I hate these ads.

You've seen them. They're in newspapers and regional magazines across the country. Some smiling mom and her cute kid. It's an ad for some local clinic, always with a tagline like "You can't afford to be sick!" or "You don't have time to be sick!".

And they list things they treat, like headache, sore throat, ankle sprain, runny nose, and skinned knee (who the hell goes to the doctor for a skinned knee?). They make no mention of heart attack. Or accidental amputation. Or arrow through the head.

It's so comically misleading. As if there's something abnormal about being sick. Face it. The germs outnumber us. Being sick is part of the price of doing business of Earth. We all catch the crud here and there. And we all trip and fall, spraining this and scraping that.

These ads give the impression that it's horribly abnormal to catch some mild illness or suffer a minor injury. Better yet, they make it sound like they can magically fix you, like they're going to wave a wand, and the germs will suddenly vanish or you'll grow new skin immediately.

All they do is give you Sudafed and/or Tylenol and/or a band-aid, (which you could have bought yourself) and bill your insurance.

What really peeves me is that this enforces a cultural dependency on medical care. Yes, I'm a doctor. Medical care is how I earn a living. And there are certainly MANY conditions where you absolutely, positively, should see a medical professional. And I know sometimes it's hard to know what's what.

But did your Mom send you to the doctor for every little thing? (I know, some Moms did) Probably not. She sent you to bed, gave you some Tylenol, and told the school you were out. Or she gave you Tylenol and sent you to school.

And I'm willing to bet you felt a hell of a lot sicker at some point in college, after toga night at McBarfy's house of cheap beer. And you didn't see a doctor for that, either.

We have a lot of treatments in medicine. But the majority of things you get in your everyday life will get better with or without a doctor.

"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease."

Voltaire wrote that around 250 years ago. And, for the most part, I won't argue with him.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

So you are

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your parents?"

Mr. Huh: "I don't know. I'm an only child."

Monday night, 9:27 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mrs. Cabinet: "Yes, I'm one of your patients, but I'm calling about my husband. He was putting cole slaw away after our Memorial Day barbecue, and he bumped his head on a cabinet."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did he get knocked out? Or is he sleepy? Or weak anywhere?"

Mrs. Cabinet: "No, but he has this big lumpy bruise on forehead. I want an MRI on him, immediately. We can do it tonight. Just tell me where to go."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, I really can't order that on him. I mean, he's not my patient, and I can't set up tests after office hours. The best I can suggest is that you take him to an ER, and let them assess him, and see if they feel he needs further testing."

Mrs. Cabinet: "I don't want to take him to an ER. He only bumped his head. Going there would be overkill."

Monday, May 31, 2010

Memorial Day, 2010

The lawyer from South Dakota

On memorial day, veterans graves across the country are honored with wreaths and flags. But some veterans have no graves to honor, and can only be remembered.



Lieutenant Commander John C. Waldron, U.S.N.


He & his men changed the course of World War II in the Pacific, and didn't live to know it.

He was a lawyer, born in Fort Pierre, South Dakota. His father was descended from English settlers, his mother was a Sioux Indian.

He was married, with 2 daughters.

He was admitted to the state bar in South Dakota, but rather then going into practice decided to join the U.S. Navy. He was chosen to be a pilot, in the new field of naval aviation.

He trained to fly torpedo planes (no longer in use). Their goal was to fly close enough to an enemy ship to drop a torpedo into the water, then get away as fast as possible. This was a difficult job. It required the planes to fly in a low, straight line as they approached the enemy, making them easy targets for enemy fighters and anti-aircraft.

Waldron was a good pilot. He was chosen to teach at Annapolis, and later Pensacola. He flew planes off 1 battleship and 3 carriers.

He and his wife held parties for other pilots at their Norfolk home. He was very proud of his little girls. Some pilots remembered being taken to his daughters' darkened bedroom and asked "Did you guys ever see such pretty little girls?"

With war looming in the Summer of 1941, Waldron and his men were assigned to the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Hornet, in the Pacific theater.

He was determined. He once told his pilots that "if we run out of gas, we'll piss in the tanks." He wasn't looking for glory, or to become a martyr, or a hero. He was just doing his job.

On the morning of June 4, the Hornet was somewhere off Midway island, placed there to defend against the massive Japanese force sent to capture the Pacific base.

Waldron likely had few illusions about his chances. Although his men were well-trained, their "Devastator" torpedo bombers were already obsolete. The new "Avenger" planes were much better, but only beginning to roll out of the factories. And with the enemy coming, they had to make do with what they had. Before the battle he called his men together and said "If there is only one plane left to make a final run in, I want that man to go in and get a hit."

The Japanese "Zero" fighter was a lethal weapon. Though poorly protected, it was quicker and more maneuverable than it's American counterparts. And it was flown by some of the best pilots in the world.

On the morning of June 4, 1942, Waldron led Torpedo Squadron 8 off the Hornet. He had orders to search for the Japanese in a specific area, but had a hunch (he called it his "Sioux intuition") that the heading he'd been told to follow was wrong. He disobeyed orders, and it turned out his intuition was correct.

Waldron led his 15 planes straight to the enemy fleet. Forced to fly straight & low to aim their torpedoes, they were sitting ducks as the Zeroes swooped down and destroyed them one by one. Out of 30 men, there was only one survivor, Lt. George Gay. He saw Waldron stand up in his plane as it burst into flames, just before his own plane was shot out from under him. They didn't get a single hit.



The 15 pilots of Torpedo Squadron 8, photographed in May, 1942. Waldron is standing, 3rd from left. Lt. George Gay, (circled, 1st row) is the only man in the picture who survived.

In a few minutes all the planes of Torpedo Squadron 8 had vanished beneath the Pacific, leaving only Lieutenant Gay hiding from the Zeros under his flotation device. It was a disaster for the Americans.

But unbeknownst to all but Lt. Gay, they changed the course of the Pacific war.

The deadly Zeroes were now at sea level, on the prowl for more torpedo planes. But the next American wave, this time of dive bombers, was high above. They might have been easy targets, too. But as they came down the Zeroes were no longer in a position to defend their fleet, and couldn't gain altitude in time to stop the bombers. Between 10:20 and 10:25 a.m that morning the Japanese lost 3 of their 4 aircraft carriers to the bombers. The last carrier followed them a few hours later.

The loss of the four carriers, with their planes, pilots, and crews, was a blow the Japanese navy never recovered from. The war went on for 3 more years, but the tide was turned by the sacrifice of a group of men, led by a 41-year old lawyer from South Dakota.

A
ll my readers, no matter what country they're in, owe their freedom to soldiers in all military branches. So remember them today.


The fallen from Torpedo Squadron 8. Their only grave marker is the blue Pacific water.

Lt. Commander John C. Waldron
Lt. Raymond A. Moore
Lt. James C. Owens, Jr.
Lt.(jg) George M. Campbell
Lt.(jg) John P. Gray
Lt.(jg) Jeff D. Woodson
Ens.William W. Abercrombie
Ens. William W. Creamer
Ens. Harold J. Ellison
Ens. William R. Evans
Ens. Henry R. Kenyun
Ens. Ulvert M. Moore
Ens. Grant W. Teats
Robert B. Miles, Aviation Pilot 1c
Horace F. Dobbs, Chief Radioman
Amelio Maffei, Radioman 1
Tom H. Pettry, Radioman 1
Otway D. Creasy, Jr. Radioman 2
Ross H. Bibb, Jr., Radioman 2
Darwin L. Clark, Radioman 2
Ronald J. Fisher, Radioman 2
Hollis Martin, Radioman 2
Bernerd P. Phelps Radioman 2
Aswell L. Picou, Seaman 2
Francis S. Polston, Seaman 2
Max A. Calkins, Radioman 3
George A. Field, Radioman 3
Robert K. Huntington Radioman 3
William F. Sawhill, Radioman 3
 
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