Dear ICU Nurses,

I'm really, really, really, sorry.

I feel terrible. And I know I will pay for the consequences of my actions.

But it's been a horrible shitty awful weekend on call.

And it isn't MY fault that one of you put A WHOLE BOX of Reese's peanut butter & chocolate valentine hearts next to the phone I was dictating on.

So I'm sorry there aren't any left now.

Yours truly,

Ibee "Dr. Fatso" Grumpy

Today's Quiz

You're in the ER with your grandmother and the rest of the family. The neurologist, while hacking & sneezing, has informed you that Grandma has suffered a massive bleed into the brain, and is going to die. You cope with this by:

A. Crying, and holding your grandfather.

B. Silently hugging your parents and kids.

C. Offer the neurologist some Sudafed and a Kleenex.

D. Looking up at the ceiling and yelling, "WHY?" repeatedly.

E. Complain loudly that you've noticed the wall sink in the ER room (which you're being moved out of, anyway) is broken, and demand to talk to a maintenance supervisor immediately.


If you answered E, it was a blast meeting you this morning. As you requested, a plumber and a neurosurgeon have been called, in that order. I think we can fix the sink.

Sunday Morning Rounds

Dr. Grumpy: "They told me you had a seizure last night. What do you remember?"

Mrs. Ictal: "I remember that bitch nurse waking me up. She kept asking me if I was okay. Of course I'm not okay. I'm in a fucking hospital, and seizure or not it was the first decent sleep I've had since I got here, and she had to ruin it."

Deja vu all over again

A stroke is very sad and serious. But sometimes all you can do is see the humor in a situation.


Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I'm Dr. Grumpy. I'm a neurologist and..."

Mr. Stroke: "IT'S SATURDAY! FUCK OFF!"

Mrs. Stroke: "George! Calm down!"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry, they said..."

Mr. Stroke: "IT'S SATURDAY! FUCK OFF!"

Mrs. Stroke: "Sorry, doctor. He can't help it."

Dr. Grumpy: "I understand. What happened?"

Mrs. Stroke: "Well, he was fine last night, but since waking up this morning all he's been able to say is..."

Mr. Stroke: "IT'S SATURDAY! FUCK OFF!"

Mrs. Stroke: "... like that."

Dr. Grumpy: "Anything else you've noticed?"

Mrs. Stroke: "No. Why does he do that? He's actually very polite."

Mr. Stroke Jr.: "Yeah, normally Dad would never swear."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, the stroke has affected the speaking part of his brain, so even though he may want to say something nice, the damaged part can only produce a few words, like..."

Mr. Stroke: "IT'S SATURDAY! FUCK OFF!"

Mrs. Stroke: "This is so awful!"

Dr. Grumpy: "That's true, you're absolutely right."


REALLY old SNL fans may recognize the humor in my last comment, but no one in the room, or the nurse outside, did. Which is probably good.

On call and sick

Call is not joyful,
And fun it is not
When you have to take call
With a nose full of snot.

With a throat full of phlegm
The constant clearing (ahem)
And a head full of pain
And a fuzzy clogged brain

It is so hard to round
When you want to fall to ground
Your muscles are mud
With bad bugs in your blood

And you go home to rest
But the ER knows best
And they dial your cell
So you drive back to hell

But your throat feels sore
So you're a Tylenol whore
With boogers you abhor
Give me Sudafed- MORE!

This fucking sucks
Regardless of the bucks
I hate being on call
That is all.

Dear Middle-of-Nowhere Medical Center

Thank you for faxing me Mr. Crunch's hospital records from his overnight stay there last week.

You can stop now. I swear. We faxed the release 5 hours ago. So far we've received back 22 faxed copies of MY OWN RELEASE (it was a fax, I promise we have the original) from you and 18 copies of his 14 page hospital records. At this rate I'm going to have to send Mary to Costco for more paper.

I'm sure getting a release from a real gosh-durn big city doctor-o-medicine was the most exciting thing to happen at your hospital since a paint truck overturned there in 1999, but you should try to curb your enthusiasm. I have all that I need now, and you can stop.

But can you see Russia from the ship?

Dr. Grumpy: "Where are you guys going?"

Mrs. Geography: "We're taking a cruise out of New York. We fly to Niagara Falls, and board the ship. From there it goes up to Alaska, and we spend a few days there, and after a week we're back in New York. I'm looking forward to it, because I've never been to Alaska before."

How NOT to get in to see Dr. Grumpy

Yesterday afternoon.


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Hag: "Yeah, I have a 4:00 appointment today."

Mary: "Yes... It's 3:55 now. Where are you?"

Mrs. Hag: "I'm leaving my house now. I'll be there in about 30 minutes or so."

Mary: "Uh, we close at 5. Dr. Grumpy has to go to the hospital."

Mrs. Hag: "Bullshit. You can wait for me. I'd have been there sooner, but had a lot of laundry to put away, and lost track of time."

Mary: "No, we can't, but I can reschedule you for..."

Mrs. Hag: "LOOK, BITCH! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I AM ON MY FUCKING WAY AND YOU ARE GOING TO WAIT FOR ME!"

Mary: "Don't speak to me like that."

Mrs. Hag: "I'll talk to you however I want! I'm a paying customer."

Mary: "You..."


Dr. Grumpy reaches over Mary's shoulder, silences the speaker phone, and picks up the receiver.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Mrs. Hag: "Yeah, I'm on my way to my appointment, I'll be there in about half an hour, and your phone bitch is telling me I can't come in today! I need help, and you're going to wait for me!"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm not. Since you weren't here on time, we are leaving."

Mrs. Hag: "Then you damn well better see me tomorrow!"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. You are not coming to see me. Today, tomorrow, or ever. I will not see anyone who treats my staff like this."

Mrs. Hag "WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE ARE YOU TO TREAT A SUFFERING PERSON LIKE THIS? I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO THE MEDICAL BOARD AND POLICE AND CITY AND HOSPITALS AND MY INSURANCE AND..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have a nice day." (Hangs up)

Patient quote of the day

"I take all of my medicines once a day, except for the ones that I take twice a day."

Thank you for coming today

Dude, it was so nice of you to drive your Mom to the appointment today. Her seizures are getting better, but she still can't drive. So it's good that she has a devoted 16 year old son like yourself to help. I'm sure you had better things to do with your brand-new driver's license (hell, I was 16 once, too), so I think you're a good kid for doing this.

I don't blame you for hanging out in the lobby during Mom's visit. That's the new 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue out there, and I know it's a hell of a lot more interesting than sitting back here listening to your Mom and I talk about her medications and side effects.

But, ya know, pretty much ALL the office staff, and likely some of the other lobby patients, noticed that you took the issue into the bathroom with you for a few minutes.

You can keep it. I'm serious. Dr. Pissy and I really don't want it back now. Consider it your reward for bringing Mom here today.

Things that make me grumpy

Doctors who dump patient test results on me.

I don't mind being the bearer of bad news. I don't like it, but hey, it's part of the job.

But it really chaps me when a patient shows up "because Dr. Doofus said you'd tell me what the MRI showed". Most of the time Dr. Doofus hasn't even had the common courtesy to send me a copy of the damn report.

And in almost every case the studies are NORMAL. That's all. Or have some minor, benign variant like a harmless cyst. And so, because of human nature, the patients assume the worst. After all, Dr. Doofus is stonewalling them, and sends them to a specialist, so it must be time to draw up a bucket list.

Or they have a minor, benign, variant, and Dr. Doofus tells them it's either something horrible (because he has no idea what it is) or that it's sole the cause of ALL their symptoms, and Dr. Grumpy will know how to fix it. When in reality it's as relevant to their headaches (or whatever) as a hangnail would be.

I don't understand a lot of stuff in my own field, let alone outside of it. I don't expect other doctors to be any different. But if you don't know what it is or means, just be honest and say "I don't know!"

And DON'T tell them that they have to see me to get the results, then refuse to give them. They spend sleepless nights worrying about them. And when they invariably find out the test was normal, they get really pissed off at you. I've seen patients change doctors over that. And I don't blame them.

Strange Compliments (I think)

Dr. Grumpy: "Who referred you to me?"

Mr. Spiz: "Well, I asked Dr. Dipchit about you, but he told me not to, because he thought you were incompetent and stupid. But I personally thought Dr. Dipchit was an idiot, and didn't know what he was doing, so I figured he wouldn't know a good neurologist if one bit him on the ass. So since he didn't recommend you, I decided that was a good reason to come here."

Annie's Desk, February 10, 2010

Mrs. Seizure: "They're giving me generic. I don't want it. What are you doing about this generic medication?"

Annie: "I called you earlier. Didn't you listen to my voicemail from this morning?"

Mrs. Seizure: "No. I don't have time for that. I've been too busy trying to call you."

Annie: "Instead of listening to my message about the issue, you just keep calling me?"

Mrs. Seizure: "Yes. What else was I supposed to be doing?"

Annie: "Your insurance is deciding. I didn't even know you got the generic until you called me this morning."

Mrs. Seizure: "Well I called you yesterday about it, but only got your voicemail, so I hung up."

Annie: "I can't help you if I don't know what you need."

Mrs. Seizure: "I refuse to leave messages."

Annie: "Apparently."

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

Kids, when you come to my office with your friends, it is extremely important that you remember which of you had what complaint.

I know that when you come to me during recess (usually the one before your math test), you do not have a note from the teacher telling me what your symptoms are. Generally, if something were hurting you, I'd assume you'd remember what it was. But, silly me, this isn't always the case.

By way of example, 2 of you demonstrated today how it should NOT be done. Faker and her bff Fakess came by today, with Faker complaining of sand in her eye and Fakess complaining that her hand was hurting.

Skool Nerse: "Which hand is it?"

Fakess: "The one I write with."

Skool Nerse: "And that is...?"

Fakess: "Um, did my Mom put it on that card she filled out?"

Skool Nerse: "No."

Fakess: "Okay it's, um, uh, ah, this one?"

Skool Nerse: "That's the hand that hurts? Is that the one you write with?"

Fakess: "Let me think..."

Skool Nerse: "You do that." (turns to Faker) "What's wrong with you?"

Faker: "I have sand in my eye."

Skool Nerse: "Which eye?"

Faker: "This one."

Skool Nerse: (carefully examines eyeball) "Hmm... I don't see any sand, or redness..."

Fakess: "Oh, that's because I'm the one with sand in my eye".

Faker: "Yeah, I forgot. It was her. I hurt my hand, this one."


As you can see, this duo made a number of mistakes that might have been avoided with a little practice beforehand. Therefore, kids, when trying to lie your way out of math tests, please remember that consistency in doing so is the key.

This has been a public service announcement.