Strange Compliments (I think)

Dr. Grumpy: "Who referred you to me?"

Mr. Spiz: "Well, I asked Dr. Dipchit about you, but he told me not to, because he thought you were incompetent and stupid. But I personally thought Dr. Dipchit was an idiot, and didn't know what he was doing, so I figured he wouldn't know a good neurologist if one bit him on the ass. So since he didn't recommend you, I decided that was a good reason to come here."

Annie's Desk, February 10, 2010

Mrs. Seizure: "They're giving me generic. I don't want it. What are you doing about this generic medication?"

Annie: "I called you earlier. Didn't you listen to my voicemail from this morning?"

Mrs. Seizure: "No. I don't have time for that. I've been too busy trying to call you."

Annie: "Instead of listening to my message about the issue, you just keep calling me?"

Mrs. Seizure: "Yes. What else was I supposed to be doing?"

Annie: "Your insurance is deciding. I didn't even know you got the generic until you called me this morning."

Mrs. Seizure: "Well I called you yesterday about it, but only got your voicemail, so I hung up."

Annie: "I can't help you if I don't know what you need."

Mrs. Seizure: "I refuse to leave messages."

Annie: "Apparently."

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

Kids, when you come to my office with your friends, it is extremely important that you remember which of you had what complaint.

I know that when you come to me during recess (usually the one before your math test), you do not have a note from the teacher telling me what your symptoms are. Generally, if something were hurting you, I'd assume you'd remember what it was. But, silly me, this isn't always the case.

By way of example, 2 of you demonstrated today how it should NOT be done. Faker and her bff Fakess came by today, with Faker complaining of sand in her eye and Fakess complaining that her hand was hurting.

Skool Nerse: "Which hand is it?"

Fakess: "The one I write with."

Skool Nerse: "And that is...?"

Fakess: "Um, did my Mom put it on that card she filled out?"

Skool Nerse: "No."

Fakess: "Okay it's, um, uh, ah, this one?"

Skool Nerse: "That's the hand that hurts? Is that the one you write with?"

Fakess: "Let me think..."

Skool Nerse: "You do that." (turns to Faker) "What's wrong with you?"

Faker: "I have sand in my eye."

Skool Nerse: "Which eye?"

Faker: "This one."

Skool Nerse: (carefully examines eyeball) "Hmm... I don't see any sand, or redness..."

Fakess: "Oh, that's because I'm the one with sand in my eye".

Faker: "Yeah, I forgot. It was her. I hurt my hand, this one."


As you can see, this duo made a number of mistakes that might have been avoided with a little practice beforehand. Therefore, kids, when trying to lie your way out of math tests, please remember that consistency in doing so is the key.

This has been a public service announcement.

Seizurebowl

Look, dude, I'm sorry your team lost the Superbowl. I'm not a big sports fan, but I used to be, and so I understand you taking the loss personally.

I also understand having a few drinks to calm down. But being so upset that you missed 2 doses of your epilepsy pills wasn't a good idea (granted, you'd probably have gotten trashed and missed your meds even if the Colts had won, you'd just be happier about it).

No, the state MVD does NOT have an exception to allow you to keep driving in spite of stupid behavior. So you're done driving for a bit.

I AM serious! See? Here's the form, let's look at the exception boxes:

1. Seizures only occur during sleep (not you).

2. Patient has a warning that allows him to take protective action (not you either).

Nope, there isn't a box that says "Patient got shitfaced on cheap beer following his team's Superbowl loss, forgot to take his pills for 2 consecutive doses or go to work on Monday, and had a seizure while arguing with his girlfriend (who happens to be a New Orleans fan but was still nice enough to drive him to his appointment today)".

So let's take our pills and try not to watch sports for a while.

Thank you.

Heard in passing

Walking down the hall outside of ICU, I passed a teenage girl with a nose ring mumbling into a cell phone.

"Yeah, cuz, like, everyone is like, just not happy. I mean, not at all. They're like so not happy. I mean, to see all these unhappy people is, like, really totally sad."

2 tomatoes, pickles, hamburger buns, lettuce, and a dessert

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Oh, hi Dr. G! How ya doin'?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, uh, fine, um, I didn't recognize you when I got in line."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Yeah, I'm workin' at Local Grocery now. Ya got a Shopper's Card?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Here, thanks."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Lemme ring this up. Looks like you're havin' burgers. Paper or plastic?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, I guess. Paper."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Ya know, my back is still killin' me, and it goes down my right leg."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, why don't you call Mary and..."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Some days it goes around into my groin, too. Got any coupons?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No..."

(Lady in line behind me grabs her basket and runs for her life).

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Sometimes it burns, ya know, like I have a rash going down my butt and the leg. That'll be $18.73. Credit or debit?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Credit."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Can you sign here? And then when I look, there's no rash, it just feels that way."

Dr. Grumpy: "You should call Mary tomorrow and..."

Mr. Lumberpain: "Nice seein' ya, doc. Hi, lady. Ya got a Shopper's card?"

Office buffet, part 2

For those of you who survived the dreaded holiday food onslaught, comes the sequel:

The "dump your Superbowl party leftovers in the office break room" buffet.

Featuring: deviled eggs, soggy nachos, hot wings, pizza, a variety of chips, bean dip, spinach dip, artichoke dip, cheese dip, the remains of a vegetable platter, pie, cookies, sliced turkey, mini-wieners, rolls, Miracle Whip, crackers, brownies, 1/4 of a cheese log, swedish meatballs, rolls, a tupperware thing full of barbecued something, and a cookie that the staff calls "Hillbilly Crack".

I'm gonna hit the Protonix samples.

Monday morning, 12:45 a.m.

Tap tap tap

Dr. Grumpy: "Hmmm."

Tap tap tap

Dr. Grumpy: "Mmm... Frank, what do you need?"

Frank: "Dad, can I turn on your lamp? I want to show you something."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's the middle of night. What do you..."

CLICK! AAAAAHHHHH! BRIGHT LIGHT!

Dr. Grumpy: "Holy crap, Frank! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?!!"

Frank: "I gave myself a haircut!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, yes. Why on Earth did you do that?"

Frank: "I couldn't sleep."

Sunday, 1:18 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Pigskin: "Yeah, um, you see my wife for seizures, and she's had 3 today. Big ones, I mean, she bit her tongue a lot, and now I can't get her to wake up. She's breathing and all, but..."

Dr. Grumpy: "That sounds serious. You need to call 911, or take her to ER immediately."

Mr. Pigskin: "Really? Um... Okay..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have them take her to Local Hospital, and I'll see her there, and they have all her records."

Mr. Pigskin: "How long will this take? I mean, the Superbowl is today, and..."

Dr. Grumpy: "This is very serious! You need to get her to ER NOW!"

Mr. Pigskin: "Do they have TV's in the ER there?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes!"

Mr. Pigskin: "What do I tell my buddies? They were gonna come over, and I mean, she's starting to wake up, and oh, she's seizing again."

Dr. Grumpy: "You stay right there. I have your address, and I'm calling 911 now for you."

Mr. Pigskin: "Cool, thanks, doc. That's a lot of help. Hey do you want to come over and watch the game?"

May I take your order?

So last night we went to La Enchilada Grande for dinner.

I ordered the enchilada platter, and perky waitress says "That's a good choice. My dad over there just ordered it, too."

Whatever. Our dinner goes on. A few minutes later I hear a lady across the aisle order a taco salad, and Ms. Perky says "That's a good choice. My dad over there just ordered it, too."

And a few minutes later a new group was seated in the booth behind us. A guy ordered the Grande Chimichanga, and Ms. Perky, of course, says "That's a good choice. My dad over there just ordered it, too."

Now, granted I wasn't really watching where she was pointing with "over there", but I can only come up with 3 options:

1. She's full of shit.

2. Her Dad has a huge appetite.

3. Her mother was remarkably promiscuous, and by an amazing coincidence all of this girl's potential dads felt like Mexican food last night.

My readers write

Patients drive doctors nuts, and doctors drive patients nuts.

But in all of that, sometimes we overlook the stupidity that can surround a visit to the doctor, where neither side is at fault.

So I'd like to think my reader Cheryl for submitting this picture.

Her husband went to see his cardiologist. After the appointment he found that the helpful parking garage staff had filled in a pothole behind his truck, and roped it off.

Food ads you don't see everyday

This was in a "healthy eating" type magazine that showed up in the office one day.

Quotable patients

"I was dizzy, but the pills made me undizzy, and I've been undizzy since."

These are not negotiations

I'm here to try and help you, people. You may not believe that, but it's true.

I'm not ordering the tests for MY benefit. They are so I can figure out what's wrong with you, and fix it.

Personally, I don't give a crap if you don't have them. That's your business. You came to me for my advice, and I'm giving it.

Don't try to negotiate with me on this. They are entirely for your benefit, not mine.

Therefore, comments like the following WILL NOT get you anywhere in Dr. Grumpy's world:

1. "I'll have the brain MRI, but ONLY if you'll waive my co-pay."

2. "Okay, I'll do the CT scan, but you have to pay whatever my insurance won't cover."

3. "If the labs are that important I'll get them, on the condition that you order some for my husband, too, because he's due and doesn't want to see his internist."

4. "You can do the test, but only if the MRI place agrees not to charge for it."

And my personal favorite:

5. "I'll only let you do the tests if you'll double my monthly Percocet."