Uh, I Hate to Tell You This, But...

I see Alzheimer's patients all the time. Usually early on, but sometimes one is so advanced when they get brought in for the first time that you wonder how the family ever DIDN'T notice this before.

So today I had a talk with a family who swears grandma is fine, even though she doesn't know the year and thinks Eisenhower is President.

At one point the son said to me "Doc, Mama's perfectly fine. She can watch TV all by herself."

Sorry, folks. The ability to watch TV all by your lonesome does NOT constitute proof of a healthy IQ. Not even in the land of the couch potatoes.

You're lecturing ME???

We all have our vices. Mine is Diet Coke. I admit it. If my carbonation perversion offends you, go read another blog.

My 8:00 patient this morning, who smokes 2 packs a day and reeks of it, chewed ME out for drinking a Diet Coke during the appointment!

She gave me a 10 minute harangue of how bad it was for me, and how she never touches the stuff because she'd NEVER put something that dangerous in her body!

She had an unlit cigarette in her mouth the whole time, too.

More Wii

For the record, I'm not generally planning to make video, or non-medical posts, a major part of my site.

BUT since my post on self-inflicted Wii injuries (see below) has generated such an outpouring of comments and email, I thought I should put this up.

Death to the Wii Fit Trainer!

After returning from my exciting hour at the hospital, I decided to indulge in that perennial hobby of modern America- namely, trying to lose a few pounds.

So I got out the Wii Fit, chased the kids away from the TV (if I don't, they watch me exercise, like some sort of studio audience from hell, and make sarcastic comments).

I did some strength training exercises, as demonstrated by the Wii Fit trainer. For those of you don't have a Will Fit, this is a buff-looking computer animated trainer, male or female, that demonstrates exercises and tries to give you encouragement.

At one point, while balancing on one leg, I fell off and twisted my ankle. I'm lying there on the floor, in pain, holding it and trying to figure out if I broke something.

And while I'm lying there clenching my teeth, the Wii Fit trainer suddenly notices my weight is no longer on the balance board, and starts talking smack! "Hello? Are you still there? Where did you go? Your muscles aren't going to train themselves, you know!"

Without even thinking, and clouded with pain, I yelled "Shut the F--K up you digital a**hole!!!"

I looked up to see all 3 kids staring at me in shock. And Mrs. Grumpy looking REALLY pissed. All 3 dogs immediately ran away down the hall, realizing that this was NOT a good time for them to take my side.

I am in DEEP trouble.

Stupid Wii Trainer. This is all his fault.

Fun With Alcoholics

I got woken up this lovely Sunday to do a hospital consult. So I slugged down a Diet Coke and dragged myself in.

It was a guy in alcohol withdrawal (or "DT's" as we say in the medical biz).

Normally I'm used to these guys seeing bugs or animals crawling all over, but today I got something, uh, different.

I went into the patient's room. He was tied down to the bed (they usually are until they start to clear).

He thought he was at a pizza joint!

He offered me pizzas of various types, thick and thin crust, various toppings. As we talked he flirted with an imaginary waitress and spoke to imaginary friends that were going in and out of the restaurant.

He also kept asking if someone would bring him some Parmesan cheese and (of course) another pitcher of beer.

Why Didn't I Ever Get This Stuff?

The good old days of drug reps giving us pens, paper clips, and other pointless promotional items officially ended on January, 1, 2009. I miss them.

This was something the Viagra reps apparently gave to urologists. Regrettably, being a neurologist, I never received one.

New Antibiotics Research, Maybe...

I just had to put this up. It is so gross. Basically, an office refrigerator in San Jose was so full of moldy food that a Hazmat team had to be called to clean it.

Does Anyone Else Get These Calls?

Alright, so I saw a guy 9 years ago, when I worked for (or was enslaved by) a different practice. I haven't seen him since I left there in 2000.

He called my office today to make an appointment, so my secretary was getting his info. As it turned out I'm not contracted with his current insurance.

So does he cancel the appointment to go elsewhere? Does he ask what my cash pay rates are?

NO! He begins SCREAMING at my secretary over the phone! And I mean SCREAMING! I was up front faxing stuff, and I could hear him yelling from 15 feet away, over the clatter of the fax machine!

He was, I swear, claiming that the doctor-patient relationship is a lifelong binding contract, and that I am legally obligated to see and treat him free of charge for the rest of his life (or mine, I guess).

I got on the phone to calm him down. Didn't work. Instead, he told me he is going to sue me for not taking his insurance.

I thanked him for calling and hung up. You can't reason with the unreasonable.

Uh, What Are We Refilling Here?

This is weird. And it's real. I promise I didn't photoshop this. The only thing I did was take out as much identifying stuff as I could find.

This is a fax I got from Walgreens, to refill meds. I get lots of these every day. I sign and fax them back. But this one caught my eye.

In the middle of the script, right after the patient's address, is the phrase "Give a dog treat always!"

I have no idea why it's there. The patient isn't a dog. She doesn't even have a dog.

Astounded, I called Walgreens. The pharmacist didn't know why it was there, either. He also doesn't have a dog.

(click to enlarge)

Those Whacky Brain Surgeons!

Okay, gang, a pair of news articles about my fun-loving colleagues in neurosurgery.

First, we have a guy who just sort of wandered off while he had a patient on the table!

And second, we have a neurosurgeon who was suspended for something REALLY serious- taking extra croutons from the hospital cafeteria.

Medical Research

Our Science Marches On Department, in North Carolina, has brought the existence of this medical journal to my attention.

It was sent to the department, unsolicited.

We have no idea how we got on their mailing list, or how to get off of it (for questions about getting off in general, please read the journal).

(click to enlarge, no pun intended)

For This You Went to Law School?

Occasionally I do a legal deposition. So yesterday I was being questioned by a lawyer. We had this exchange:

Mr. Legal: "Doctor, your note says that the patient's symptoms started one month after his car accident in November, is that correct?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes"

Mr. Legal: "So, it would go to assume that his symptoms started in December, correct?".

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes".

Mr. Legal: "Doctor, in your opinion, does December always come after November?"

Uh, That's the Point

Yesterday afternoon I was lecturing a non-compliant patient on the importance of taking his medications as prescribed. His wife got defensive, and said:

"Doctor! My husband ALWAYS takes his medicine as directed, except when he doesn't take it."

No Wonder It's Being Closed

Mrs. Grumpy is out of town, so I had the pleasure of taking the tribe to school today.

The kids' school is being closed next month due to budget cuts. So there's a sign on the notice board outside the school office. It said this. I am not joking.

"Help us say goodby to our belovid school. We are having a farwell party at Dave's Piza on May 21, 2009 at 6:00 p.m."